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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have called it a day with my ex-best friend

7 replies

BethMK · 14/01/2008 10:06

Hi there,

Will try and probably fail to keep this short and sweet. I have been best friends with one of my school friends for about 12 years now. We always used to get along great, although over the last couple of years, a few things haven't gone her way (jobwise, relationshipwise etc) and as a result she became increasingly bitter and just became, quite frankly, a nastier person.

I have sympathy with her up to a point, but I think if she's unhappy with her life she should concentrating on improving it instead of lashing out and making nasty comments about people (generally people in happy relationships, come to think of it).

Anyway, it all came to a head last year and I finally said that I found it really upsetting when she made scathing comments about me and/or others and that it was putting a real strain on our relationship. We took a break from each other for a while, then saw each other a few times. She was already invited to my wedding before we fell out and said to me that she still wanted to be there and made (an unsolicited) promise to be on her best behaviour.

So, the wedding day arrives - I don't see much of her really, I glance her during the ceremony with a sour look on her face and obv have more important things to think about than that so ignore it. I see her later on during the reception whereupon she marches up to me to tell me that one our mutual schoolfriends is "really annoying me, I'm so glad I didn't have to sit with her". The friend in question is a very dear friend of mine, and had checked herself out of hospital to travel 4 hours to be there.

Anyway, after we got back from honeymoon about 4 different people (who didn't know each other) made a point of telling me that she was basically a complete b*tch all day until later on in the evening when she got drunk and launched herself at the best man. Apparently she spent a good deal of time slagging off our mutual friend to the other guests. The best man (who likes everyone) confided that she seemed to have no control over her mouth or what was appropriate to say at a wedding but that she came across as having a huge chip on her shoulder.

She did come to the wedding alone, which may have felt awkward to her. Although this was her choice - I offered her a plus-one to bring somebody else but she refused repeatedly.

Anyway, I kept away from her for a bit as I was angry, but didn't want to have it out with her. Eventually it all came out and I told her I was really disappointed in her behaviour. Her response was that she thought that me getting married would "make me less insecure, but clearly not as I still see her as the bad guy when she's done nothing wrong". I don't understand her logic here - she seems to be suggesting that I'm imagining her bad behaviour. I don't see how I can be when people told me about it.

Anyway, I told her I didn't want to see her anymore and we haven't spoken since. I have since found out however that after not bothering with the mutual friend she was so rude about for years she has been bombarding her with texts and calls asking her to go for a drink!! Am I being unreasonable to think this is a bit cheeky? And am I unreasonable to not want this woman in my life any more (the bitch, not the mutual friend)?

OP posts:
WezzleWoo · 14/01/2008 10:27

Hey Beth, she sounds like a complete pain in the arse and i reckon you're better off without her. A real friend would be happy for you on your wedding day no matter how shitty their lives are. I'd warn the mutual friend what a bitch she has been and let her choose whether to continue having anything to do with her.

filthymindedvixen · 14/01/2008 10:31

she sounds like quite a toxic person. Sadly we all change (usually we grow up ) and she seems like she will bring you
d
o
w
n

cut those ties and find someone more positive IMO

I have a small group of people I have known for a decade but when they are together they are such a bitchy, evil little snipe-fest that I end up feeling dirty after s[pending an evening with them. Think I'll take my own advice!

SheikYerbouti · 14/01/2008 10:35

She sounds like a nutter

I had a toxic friend, I had to cut her pout, she was making me miserable (I decided she was no longer my friend when she told me my house was a disgrace and my children are irritating. Fucking bitch)

Tell your other friend to steer well clear as well. she sounds poisonous

Izzybel · 14/01/2008 10:37

I don't think yabu at all. A friendship is not a friendship when you feel like you have to work at it. She sounds very 'me me me' and didn't even have the manners to congratulate you on your wedding day. No wonder she came to your wedding alone if this is her attitude towards people. It sounds as if you would be better off without her. Relationships like this only stress you out and make you miserable. It will be hard to not have anything to do with her, as she has been your friend for so long and when you look back you will remember the good times, but it is just not worth the stress!

WezzleWoo · 14/01/2008 10:39

i'd have given your ex mate a right hook for saying that sheik. nasty comments about kids are well below the belt

BethMK · 14/01/2008 10:42

I agree with WW sheik, that is totally out of order. Nasty bitch

OP posts:
snowleopard · 14/01/2008 10:50

Classic projection. She is insecure, not you, and you getting married and edging away from her is making her more insecure and she's lashing out. It's sad for her, but it's not your job to keep having to deal with someone who behaves badly and makes you feel awful. Well done you for ending it - I find this sort of thing very hard and would probably let it drag on. Make space for friends who suit you better - as you get older, that does happen.

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