I’m heartbroken. AIBU to not to know how to move forward with my life?

[NeedleDee]

I’m going to do bullet points, sorry I think it will be just easier to keep my thoughts on track.

• I am 30 and I feel like a failure, I’m not comparing myself to anyone else, but I thought I would be more and better by now
• I have a very though relationship with my family. I basically only have my parents left and we get on, however all the childhood memories and dramas don’t just go away. I try to manage and concentrate on the future and positives but I can’t just forget things. My sister is in no contact with me anymore, her choice.
• I have no friends. Moved around quite a bit, tried to make some friends but they didn’t stick. I’m lonely… but I’m socially awkward and weird and shy.
• I have a boyfriend, long term relationship. No future plans and tired of nagging him about the future. I would like a family, a dog … a home!
• I’d love to get married, although terrified to bring this up to my DP. He’s got loads of friends, big family, lots of work colleagues. Even if we were to get married, I will have pretty much no one to invite. I sometimes look at engagement rings and envy girl and couples getting engaged and looking forward to the future. I am envious of their plans of their of commitment and feeling safe and secure

I’m heartbroken… 😞 I have tried to talk to my partner numerous times but he is not the greatest at communicating. He’s also got lots going on and deals with his own challenges.

but I’m genuinely sad. I really want a baby and I may not be able to have one. I feel lost and losing interest in life bit by bit .

I'm sorry you feel so down about everything. I'd honestly look at ditching your bf, noone should feel like that in a loving relationship. A partner should want to talk about future plans with you.

Don't still be sitting at 40 wishing you had made changes. It's not too late to get back out there and find someone who does want that future with you.

Making friends as an adult can be tricky because everyone has so much going on it's hard to spend the initial time getting to know new people. Do you have any interests that you could join a club and meet new people?

I hear what you say, but should I really just throw away a relationship when he is probably not quite in the right place? (Neither am I as you can tell)
He said that sometimes he sees a future with me and sometimes he doesn’t but he loves me and he cares.
I don’t know… I’m just wondering if it is a rough patch and we should work on ourselves and our relationship.

Joining groups and stuff sounds great but I’m in a pretty bad place mentally (seeking help, although it seems to be a long process) and I’m pretty struggling to even make myself get to work

Sorry you are having a tough time. Of those bullet points which could you change?

1. do you have any aspirations for your life? Travel, study, further education?
2. have you accessed any therapy for your family issues? It may help you make peace with them?
3. You can make friends easily through voluntary work, even if you do befriending via telephone its chatting to someone for an hour a week. You would probably enjoy it & so would they! This might give you the confidence to join groups or volunteer in person and make friends this way.
4. if your boyfriend can't or wont commit then is this relationship for you? Don't hang on to something miserable because you feel like it's all you have. Although, maybe you are too reliant on your partner if you have no interests outside the relationship- once you make friends you may feel differently! If you did decide to marry then you could elope.
5. have you considered speaking to your GP about how you are feeling? It may be worth talking it over they may want to refer you for talking therapy or even look into medication.