To expect my BIL to do the explaining!!

[flossie64]

Last year just 3 weeks after my FIL died , my BIL announced to my DH and MIL that he was now cross dressing, had taken a female name and wanted to have a sex change.
We all thought the timing was awful , but accept that if hefeels so strongly that he must do what is right for him.
My biggest issue with it all is he is my DD's Godfather and I want to konw the hell he expects us to explain how Uncle is now Aunty.
I feel he should do the explaining as he will have had all the physc counselling not us,but my Dh will not even broach the subject with him.
I know it must all be very hard but I am at a total loss what to do .

Hmmm tricky one this, tbh I think it might be better if the explanation came from you, although I appreciate how awkward this is.

Are there any helplines you could ring or e-mail for advice.

Your DD might be puzzled if he tries to explain, or even scared (how old is she) - at least you could pick a good moment and be around for her.

Maybe you could do it together. Perhaps don't rush it though, give you BIL some time to get into his new life. But it can't be avoided. Sounds like your DH may need some support.

I have no idea where to start , I think she is too young to know or understand ( she's just turned 5)
I think all the help offered is to the patients not family.
I have a conseller myself as i am being treated for drepession. She was even shocked by this so I don't see that as being an avenue of help.

I think my DH is coping ok with it as He acyually works with someone who has done it.
I suggested he ask for adive from them ,but he says they no longer mix with anyone from work since the OP.

If she's that young, then she'll probably be fine. Children tend to see the situation around them as normal and are therefore very accepting.
TBH, I think that it makes too big a deal of it if she asks a question and you insist on setting up a big meeting with BIL for him to explain. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask BIL for help to understand it yourselves though, so you have knowledge when DD does ask questions.
Your poor DH by the way, he must be having quite a time of it.

Agree better coming from you. It sounds as if you are quite uncomfortable and perhaps even angry with the idea tbh. But your dd is your responsibility not BIL's, and a simple, age appropriate explanation, with you and dh presenting this as just a part and parcel of life without feeling awkward or uncomfortable (EVEN IF YOU DO), will mean she will accept her godfather (godmother?! Sorry wasn't measnt to sound flippant), for the person he is not the sex he is.
The fact that he's had the counselling is irrelevant - that's for him to come to terms with his issues. I'm fairly sure the counselling hasn't covered 'how to tell my x year old neice I'm transexual'. If she is quite young she won't bat an eyelid seeing him wearing women's clothes, and in due course having had surgery. I would suggest though that he sees her quite often so he is recognisable, rather than one year being uncle wotsit and a year later looking totaly different and being referred to as auntie wotsittette - you want her to realise it is the same person.

I keep thiking that it wiil all be ok ,but my DD is a subtle as a brick .She is bound to come out with something along the lines of "Why are you wearing your wifes clothes , did you make a mistake?"
We had quite a year in 2007 ,its fair to say . Both our fathers died (3weeks apart). We daelt with cancer and a near fatal car accident and my Dh starting working 200 miles away.
This year has got to be an improvment.

Titchy , I am not angry with him needing to do it ,I know its part and parcel of life that not everyones the same.
The thing is just that I do not know how to go about dealingbwith it.
By the way my BIL has not even told his own son who is 23, and lives with him. So in some ways I don't think he can deal with it all either. He has been seeing people about this for 3yrs now

It sounds as if he isn't ready or even definately sure - but that's for him and his counsellor. Is he at the stage of cross-dressing? If not you have some time - when (if) the time comes just tell dd that uncle x feels dresses are more comfortable and he likes playing dressing up the same as she does.

You are her mother, it would be best coming from you. Children are very accepting, that is what is so lovable about them at times. They just accept people for what and who they are, they don't judge like we do. Sure she'll ask questions, but then she'll just process the answers and accept him for this new person.

Sounds to me like you are using your dd to cover up your own shock and disgust.

It is your job as a parent to explain the world to your children. The responsibilty lies nowhere else.

Well maybe not disgust, but you are clearly shocked and angry.

Your dd will take the news much better than you have or other family members, so don't worry about her. If anything she'll be a shining example to you all about accepting people for who they are.

I agree it is best for you to explain this to your children, you can keep it simple and at a level they understand, you can cut out the stuff they don't need to know, BIL might not know quite how to pitch it and you will be able to comfort them if they get a bit upset and can give more info if they are confused.

TBH if its all new to BIL he is probably not the best person to explain it to your children, you might want him to be there though but tell him you will take the lead and not to get to indepth.

If he is crossdressing inpublic I would speak to her now if not I would leave it for now. Keep it simple and just say BIL likes to waer dresses, it makes him feel a bit better. Don't get to into the female bit for now, he may just be racting to his fathers death and decide he doesn't want to go through with it all.

Definitely better coming from you.

You don't need to go into great detail; children are really accepting and she will take it completely in her stride. Just say that some people are different to others, and that one of the things that makes Uncle XX different is that he likes to dress like a lady, and would like you all to call him XX now.

If she asks you questions about it, answer honestly, but don't feel you have to go into detail. Answer the questions she asks without volunteering any more information. She'll stop asking when she has as much information as she can take in.

And with regard to her asking him awkward questions, I'd say that's OK and nothing for you to be embarrassed about. He will have to be prepared for a lot more than a little girl's inquisitiveness if he's going to see this through.

Your dd won't have any of the preconceptions of an adult so I would say something like this;

"BIL is not happy being a man and is going to be dressing as a woman from now on". then I would just answer her questions simply, honestly and openly

She doesn't need to know about the sex change yet; IME she will only ask the questions she really wants to know the answers to. I would also add that it's up to her what she calls him/ her and he can deal with that at a later date.

A friend of ours has had the whole op recently and my dds are ok although they think it's all a bit weird - they are older though.

This is the first chance I have had to check on this thread again.
Thanks all for your replies.
Rhubarb - Your comments made me laugh as I can definately say I am not angry, shocked or disgusted by what he is doing, it is his life and everyone has to be true to themslves.I am just preplexed if anything as to how to approach the subject with a child .
I could be like some people and just ignore the situation, but when my children need to have something explained I always try . Therefore with something I know little about ,it becomes quite diffcult.