to only visit my nan once a month?

[salviapages]

She lives an hour drive away. We used to meet in the city between us, she got a 20 minute train from the station at the end of her short street.

She has trouble walking long distances but refuses to use a walker or any walking aid or see a doctor. IMO she could manage the walk to the station (about 10 houses away) if she took a break or used a walker. I could then pick her up from the city station and drop her directly at a restaurant while I parked the car.

Basically she refuses to do anything aside from have me drive to her an hour away. I'm 25 weeks pregnant so lots to sort out. I'm a full time teacher so spend most of sunday working so I basically have 1 day off a week during term time and we have lots of other people to see eg husbands family, our friends. Petrol is ridiculously expensive.

So I'm only managing to see her once a month. But I'm the only family she sees as we are small and everyone else has moved away. Should I be making more of an effort to go more often? AIBU to only go once a month?

IMO she could manage the walk to the station

YABU here. Older people often lose their confidence and have a fear of falling. Many older people don’t want to use mobility aids for a whole load of reasons and many burry their heads in the sand and not go to the Dr for fear of what they may find out.

YANBU to visit less if the travelling is too much for you though.

You say this is your nan but how old is she? You'll have to be firm with her and say you can't do it any more and certainly not when the baby's here.

You can only do what you can do

Neither of you are being unreasonable really. YABU to say what you think she can manage in terms of walking. She is the boss of her and her body, and gets to say what is and isn't manageable for her. There could be a whole host of reasons as to why she no longer feels comfortable to do the walk. These might range from "she got a bit accidentally intimidated by some rowdy teenage boys the last time she went out" to "she recently had a stumble she got away with." You aren't to know.

But YANBU to say to her that you are finding the regular travel, and giving up the better part of a whole day, a bit much. And you'll only find it harder when baby comes.

I don't know what the answer is, but you need to have an honest discussion with her, and hear what she has to say. She's as much responsible for keeping the contact going as you are. And as the saying goes, "roads go both ways."

I don’t think you can really claim she can walk to the station if she has to take a break and use a walker to get 10 houses away. There can still be a lot of walking to do inside the stations at either end. If she used to get the train then it’s not just that she’s being difficult.

Once a month is fine if that’s genuinely all you can manage, but tbh I’d be trying to go twice a month now because you might not be able to go at all for a few weeks when you’re heavily pregnant or have a newborn.

An hour isn't that far, but once a month is fine as you are so busy.

I understand the points about my comment on her being able to walk. I think I'm biased as she has a history of suddenly deciding she 'can't' do many things when she can, often at the inconvenience of myself and other family that used to live nearby that then need to do more to support her. I'm really not sure what will happen when baby is here

How old is your nan OP? You aren’t being unreasonable, and obviously have a lot on your plate, but just remember, one day she will no longer be here. We can only ever do our best.

@Roselilly36 she's 77

Once a month is fine. You’re busy and don’t have much time so what else can you do?

My parents are both a bit younger than your nan and both are getting more fearful of falls.

10 Houses away is a lot with a walker. Then trying to get into the station and board the train which often have high steps. Can she be sure to get a seat on the train? Then she has to get off the train again sometimes there are large gaps between the platform and the steps. People rushing with bags etc. I am not saying you are wrong for having to limit your visits but I can see where your nan is coming from.