Grandmother!

[topthelot]

My grandmother is 90 and generally very well for her age although she suffers with a few aches and pains and her mobility is reducing.

GM is seen by a physio, podiatrist and sometimes has a few extra appointments too with the nurse or the GP.

GM has children and grandchildren who all work full/part-time with the exception of one daughter and her husband who are both retired.

All family members are in a group chat, set up to arrange who can take GM to the appointments as we try and take it in turns where possible and consolidate as many appointments together as we can.

GM's daughter, my aunt and her husband, despite being the only retired members of the family, have on only one occasion taken GM to an appointment.

Sometimes, when we arrive to collect GM or drop her home, they are sat in her house!

Some of us have babies, and my aunt will see the request for help in the group chat, ignore it and wait for someone else to volunteer, including her own children who also have babies!

AIBU to think that this is actually taking the piss! If we say anything or ask her directly face to face to take GM to a certain appointment, she cries and makes a fuss and just says she wishes she could help more but she can and chooses not too!! SO ANNOYING!!

Sometimes, when we arrive to collect GM or drop her home, they are sat in her house!

Which would be the time to say "Janet, excellent job you're here for the appointment, next time let me know so as to save me the trip" and turn and walk out. Otherwise - totally her choice whether or not she helps out. You could be more direct and tell her it's her turn but either she's thick skinned or being assertive

Difficult one because it's not them who'll suffer if you refuse to help, it's your grandmother.

Has this actually happened? Has any other family member actually refused?

If the aunt literally cries when asked if she'll pull her weight, then I suspect you're up against a highly pass-agg manipulator. In which case you'll probably get nowhere.. might have to suck it up for granny's sake...

Your aunt actually cries?! Well she sounds totally mental. Stop offering to help. Or make a point in the chat "happy to take GM to this appointment if you're busy Aunt? Let me know if you're free that day before I confirm, thanks"

Clearly you are seen as staff op.

Suggest the lazy fuckers help or send links to outside bodies who can help.

If we say anything or ask her directly face to face to take GM to a certain appointment, she cries

Sometimes, when we arrive to collect GM or drop her home, they are sat in her house!

The crying is absolutely bonkers and the ACTUALLY BEING THERE when you turn up to collect your GM to give her a lift is outrageous. The absolute bloody nerve of that.

Have you spoken to your aunt's daughter about it? It must drive her insane too, surely? Would she better placed to tell her mum she needs to pull her weight?

In the WhatsApp group, I think I would be a lot more direct and not just wait for her to offer. I would start with a brisk 'Hi - Aunt So-and-So, GM needs taking to the doctor next Thursday - could you do the honours? Cheers.'

"she cries and makes a fuss and just says she wishes she could help more but she can and chooses not too"

Stop the mercy. I can't believe she won't take her own mother to doctor's appt. So cruel.

If aunt is a lazy bonkers narcissist then she's not going to turn round and say 'ooh, you know what. You're totally right. I need to be doing more. In fact I'm happy to'.

I fear any attempt to get her to help will just result in hardship for granny.

I feel for you. My mum does 100% of the care for my gran (same age) despite being 1 of 4. I live abroad, but when my mum was going away for a few days, I was the one to fly over and take care of her (all others bar 1 live in the UK). My cousins see her a couple of times a year, and after lockdown was lifted, prioritised seeing friends/concerts etc before going to see her (lockdown lifted in late March if I remember right - they didn't see her until September but had time for socialising left, right and centre). We slap on the brave face, and there is nothing in the world we wouldn't do for gran, but mum and I are so resentful that she particularly is being taken for a mug while the rest 'have their lives'.

She's not going to though is she? Then what?

You say your aunt and uncle are 'sat' in your grandmother's house. Is that all they do? Or do they also take on other responsibilities like helping put the bins out, doing things around the house, providing much needed company?

We have a similar situation in our family, and it is easier for those working to respond to fixed requests, like picking up prescriptions or taking relative to appointments. In our family, the retired person puts in much more time behind the scenes, and is the one who is always there in an emergency. We are glad that everyone shares the load. The retired person also has their own life and it seems unreasonable if we expect them to do the majority of it.

Do the retired aunt and uncle drive?

Do they have any mobility issues themselves or disabilities?

How old are they?

If it’s a struggle to get your GM to her appointments for all involved then it may be best speaking to your GMs GP about this and see what solutions they recommend.

@orwellwasright She isn't doing it now because she's being given a choice. When she doesn't volunteer, others are stepping in. The rest of the family need to be absolutely clear that they're not available.

'GM needs taking to the doctor on Thursday. I won't be able to do it unfortunately as I can't get the time off work. How about you, cousin/niece/whatever?'

'Sorry, I'm not available either - I can't take any more time off work as I've already taken several afternoons for this kind of thing.'

'OK - sorry, aunt, looks like it's your turn then. Can you let GM know?'

Then if aunt objects, the answer is 'OK, well, you'll need to speak to GM and get her to rearrange her appointment then, because none of us are available this time, so if you can't do it she can't go.'

@topthelot What does your GM actually say about all this? When you turn up to take her to an appointment, despite the fact that her daughter is sitting right there with her, does she not ask why you've turned up when her daughter is already right there? And when you arrive to collect GM for her appointment and aunt is there, what does she say if you ask her politely why she couldn't have given GM a lift given that she's clearly got free time? Crying or not, I think you need to be a lot blunter with her. I would come right out and say 'We have all taken GM for X appointments in the past few months. We have full time jobs and childcare responsibilities. Can you please tell me what is stopping you from taking your mother to the doctors, given that we have to take time off from work and you don't? What is the issue? What else would you have been doing this morning that couldn't be rearranged?'

@OnlyLosersTakeTheBus I did do this once a long, long time ago but my GM called me back and said “Please can you still take me?” I would, never, ever say no to her, in that situation so I stayed. When we were in the car I asked if everything was ok and GM said “You know what she’s like”

It absolutely is Aunts choice to help or not, but why the crying and the drama? It’s infuriating.

@orwellwasright None of us would refuse as we wouldn’t do that to GM.

Whoever takes to the last appointment, makes the next batch so we try and have 4-6 weeks worth at a time, they are posted in the group and people come forward and say which one they will do.

Aunt never does this, never volunteers. Nothing.

Last week we made an additional appointment and most people said they couldn’t as working or away on holiday or whatever, fair enough, the day before I asked again, specifically directing message to Aunt. No reply. I took a days leave and did it myself but did not put this in the group so as far as Aunt concerned unless she spoke to GM on the appointment day, GM didn’t go to the appointment.

I think she is a manipulator! I’ve never shared that about her with anyone before, but the fact you’ve picked that up makes me happy!

From what you've written and tried - then I don't think she is going to change either. Yes, it does sound like she's a manipulator and I would have lost all respect for her.

I would mentally take her out of the equation as even being a possibility to help with your grandmother (her mum!). It would irritate me that she is in a group chat about helping if she is of no help at all. Does she do anything like admin/cleaning/gardening for her mum when she visits?

You have a choice:

put up with it for a quiet life- not a terrible option as everyone else is pulling their weight. Everyone will know that she is a lazy, selfish person.

Or

Talk to the others and make a plan. You could remove her from the chat so she doesn't know what's going on- after all, it's a chat to organise lifts and she doesn't do that. You could all agree to apply pressure in the group 'Right Freda, it's your turn, you haven't done one for ages'. 'Right freda, take gran to the physio, and from now on you book the physio ones and look after that side of things.'

It's possible she's afraid of catching all the care, as the only retired daughter, and set her boundaries too hard in an attempt to avoid it.

It sounds like there are a few of you who are helping and perhaps 3 appointments per month. Presuming you don't live very far away that's perhaps half a day each per month? I would think you would see her once a month or so, so it isn't actually a major imposition. Sometimes in life it's easier to just accept someone won't do certain tasks, you won't change them so all you're doing is winding yourself up.

BTW, my Nana's podiatrist used to do house calls, might be worth looking into that as it removes one item from the list. Some physios also do house calls. It's nice for your Gran to get out I expect, but you could take her out somewhere interesting on a weekend instead.

I wonder who will rush to volunteer to drive your aunt to her appointments, when the time comes?