To wonder if all 10 years old are this dizzy?

[CheshireDing]

Walked over her boots and shoes which were blocking the doorway rather than putting them in the shoe cabinet she was walking past, so expects everyone to keep stepping over them all day it seems

Used a tea towel to clean something of hers from the garden which has been out all winter, slimy, slugs on etc, then leaves the tea towel on the kitchen worktop for someone else to come along and use (rather than putting near/in washing machine)

Spits toothpaste round the sink, leaves soaking wet cloth in sink, leaves lid off toothpaste, now doesn’t know where the toothpaste is

the list goes on ! It’s like this every day with her.

I don’t know whether it’s dizzy, apathy, lazy etc. it’s so annoying. The others can shift stuff, she’s the oldest.

She goes to school September 2023, I can see her permanently being in detentions for this sort of behaviour.

anyone else’s 10 year old (or older) still like this? I need some ways to help me cope, what if she is still living at home in her late 20’s !? How much wine will I need ???!! 😬

Depends on the child. My eldest wouldn’t have done this when she was ten. My five year old doesn’t actually do any of this, he’s better at cleaning himself up than I am! However I do have an eleven year old who does all this and more, and I can’t see her growing out of it anytime soon. It is pure laziness to me

Dizzy? Are you sure that's the word you meant to use? My understanding is that "dizzy" is the feeling you get after going on a roundabout, for example, which might cause you to lose your balance.

None of the examples you mentioned seem like particularly big deals. She's only 10. It's normal at that age not to think through the consequences of her actions for other people. It's your job as a parent to help her gain that awareness.

If you think she's extra impulsive or careless than might be expected for her age, is there a possibility that she has ADD or ADHD?

I'm also confused about the school thing. She's starting school in September, yet she's 10 now? What has she been doing for education up until now?

You all really wouldn’t expect her to move shoes for right in the doorway or a gross tea towel?

She doesn't see those things as a problem, so won't do them off her own bat. Similarly, she wasn't stressed out at the idea of packing at the last minute, so didn't feel motivated to do it 24 hours in advance.

She's 10, she's got different priorities from yours. You set the expectations for what's expected and then remind, remind, remind in the hopes that it eventually becomes a habit.

It might be worthwhile looking up some of the old threads on here about starting secondary school, there will be loads of useful tips from old hands (like me) on getting them to be more organised.

They do tend to hand out detentions to Y7's.

By the way my DDs are 16 and still kick their shoes off where they stand but I think it's genetic because DP is just the same.

She sounds really lovely from that description!

My nearly 10yo is just the same. Tbh, sometimes I am too!

One of my pupils turned out to be dyslexic and dyspraxic; very bright, so got through to Oxford before he hit the buffers! (I stayed in touch with his parents through singing in the same choir) When he was in my form, it was a standing joke that you tracked him down by following the trail of possessions! We just thought he was ditzy.......
When the revelation came, they realised that it explained a lot about one of his sisters!
I'm not saying that sticking a label on her will achieve anything in and of itself, but you might need to be more proactive about her being disorganised, and put more "scaffolding" in place. It's a possible reason, not an excuse.
At home, being a bit cynical, she will pick up a bit when it inconveniences her a bit!
Shirley Conran suggested tidying the room by putting everything left lying around in a big box saved for the purpose; eventually, she claimed that her offspring got fed up with riffling through the box for their property.
As for school; if, as you say, she's basically a good kid who doesn't want to be in trouble, start insisting on everything ready for the next day at school before she gets to the fun stuff, for her own good.
A combination of encouragement, and letting her slip up occasionally, should get her there in the end.

This.

My 17yo tells me off for stuff like that. She is naturally very tidy and I am not.

Is there any chance your DD could have ADHD? It is hard to spot in girls. I work with a 17yo who is like this. She is genuinely trying her best and is an extremely nice and hard working person but the ADHD makes her extremely scatty. It's no good telling her to do 2 things or telling her to do x in an hour. She is likely to forget the second thing or forget about x.

one of my DC was totally capable of packing for a residential trip aged 10: everything neatly organized in piles on her bed for checking over before going into a bag, double and triple checking things, using her own initiative to cover different eventualities etc.

my other dc just would NOT be able to do it aged 10, without lots of direction and guidance and a little nagging. Nothing wrong with him, his brain just doesn’t work that way in the specific realm of personal organisation (and yes, I’m well aware of the sort of adult male he might turn into if he doesn’t sort it out).

both dc are NT.

children are different from you and from each other. They just are. You have to work with the child you have, not stress over or pine for the child you don’t have. Your dd May well have her thoughts and head elsewhere: lucky her, living in an imaginary, ruminative, far away world! What a luxury, dreamlike childhood that of course she won’t want to punctuate with boring mundanities such as boots and towels.

perhaps get her to set aside 20-30 minutes in a day in which she MUST focus to get herself organised after the day she has had and for the day she is going to have tomorrow. Make that a prerequisite to something else (dinner, shower, reading time or whatever). Stand over her giving her directions and teaching - even if you’re treating her like a 5yo - for as long as it takes for her to not have to ask you again. Make it part of life for her. You’re teaching her life skills, how to look after herself and organise herself. And, if it does become apparent that something really isn’t right when you’re doing this, you’ll know.

and always remember, she isn’t doing this TO you. At worst, she’s just thoughtless. She’s 10. She’s allowed to be a little thoughtless and she can be taught not to be. Don’t take it personally. Parents always pick up the slack. That’s our job.

@CheshireDing I've got adult sons do all these things....... And yes wine consumption has gone up over the years😂

When she starts secondary prompt her to have her bag ready and down by the front door the night before. After a few weeks of assisting/prompting warn her that it is now going to become her responsibility and leave her to suffer the consequences from school and I'm sure she will sort herself out for the essential stuff! As for the rest I can't bear nagging so I move the shoes and moved house so I have an ensuite that only I use, they can leave the toothpaste lid off to their hearts content so long as I don't have to use it💐

Totally normal, my 13 year old son is lovely but jeez I have to repeat everything 8000 times and he can't see his uniform hung up, gets totally distracted etc.

Kids in his class get detentions all the time for forgetting books, PE kits, wrong books and losing kits!

I'm like this when I'm in the house on my own. It's just laziness. I'm not dyspraxic, don't have ADHD, just can't be arsed. I'm 40 so I tidy up before others get home, but she's 10 so she doesn't have that level of self awareness yet.

I think it's totally normal. It could ALSO be a sign of something else.

But certainly, shoes, dish towels etc lying around - that's just normal childhood cluelessness.

Is she disorganised in class? I think that's a key indicator if she's just not that interested in sorting out her clothes for the residential vs if there's an actual problem. Interestingly, DS (suspected dyspraxia, significantly reduced executive function - ie planning ) is terrible at school. But has slowly learnt to be better at home as we've established consistent routines eg chooses to get his clothes "ready" (shoves them on the radiator) night before so he doesn't get stressed in the morning, now routinely puts his clothes in the laundry basket (mostly), understands that his clothes will be either a) on the line b) in "his" tub or c) in his cupboard (if he's moved them from the tub).

Consistency and repetition have helped. But th ebig thing with him is that he HATES the stress of not knowing where things are/what's happening next. So he is driving some of this work to put processes and routines in place.

Putting shoes away, wiping the sink, and not leaving a slime covered dirty tea towel in the kitchen? I must have shockingly high expectations of my 10 year old if that’s expecting too much.

Just tell her put your shoes away/clear up your things/don’t leave dirty things on kitchen surfaces etc. If you keep reminding her she’ll get it.

I think at this age they are a bit like dogs - they live in the moment and simply don't really think about the consequences or potential pitfalls of what they are doing. In some ways, I love the fact that my 10 year old isn't always weighing up the potential downsides of what he is doing- it's quite an adult way to think and there's something liberating about the childlike mind that doesn't get bogged down in the negatives. I'm sure they will all get there in the end, but so long as they aren't rude or take things for granted and are prepared to pick things up/deal with their messes when asked, then they will get there in the end.

Sounds like my dyspraxic (I think poss adhd) 11yo!

She basically has no ability to think things through - she never 'means' to do anything but it's pretty bloody obvious what will happen......she leaves a trail of 'stuff' everywhere. If it's not everywhere it's stuffed under her bed in the name of tidying up! Toothpaste in sink, pencil sharpenings over floor she just doesn't 'see' it!

I.e if you balance a full cup of milk on a sofa cushion where you are sitting on the other one you can guess the outcome.....!

You need to let her fail a bit, rather than following her about clearing up after her. Remind her to put the shoes away - if she doesn't, they go to the charity shop. Same with clothes/toys left lying about.
Packing for a trip? Ask her to do it, offer some help, but if she is dancing about/faffing/reading, no problem - she can go without essential items and possibly be excluded from certain activities. It's called accountability.

What consequences are there for her? If she leaves stuff lying around or a mess who cleans it up? My kids (younger than ten) tried to leave shoes in the doorway, toothpaste in the sink, paper cuttings all over the floor etc, until they learned it was a pain to have to come back and fix it so they just did it properly the first time. I don’t “remind”, “nag” etc with that kind of thing, I stand over them while they do it there and then as soon as I discover it, and I don’t care if it interrupts their tv show or gaming level or whatever. It seems petty to make them come and move a pair of shoes a few inches but it’s the only way mine learned to put them where they go instead of just leaving them where they fell.

Obviously if she’s actually got ADHD or similar then that strategy is unlikely to work, but most of the kids I know who leave a trail of mess are those whose parents just sigh and clear it up.

It's just her personality, a bit of a dreamer. But that's OK. I think for a school trip l would work alongside her to get things ready as it's probably her first time packing for herself and needs to be taught. Some kids are born tidy and others need to be taught in a gentle, side by side manner.
If you reframe it and see it as she hasn't learnt that yet rather than she expects me to pick up after her.
Her day dreaming may pay off some day!!
That book How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk...gives good ideas for reminding them without them feeling resentful.

Two weeks ago, DH, a responsible adult in a responsible job, broke his ribs after falling over his own shoes which he had left in the middle of the floor.

Our 9yo is the same. She needs support to keep on track and tidy up. I think she may have ADHD but really don't want to give her a label because experience has shown she stops trying if she thinks there's a reason.

LOL sounds like my DP!! Some people are just not very aware.

I think parents overestimate how much kids understand about the world around them. It honestly never occurred to me (for example) that the toilet needed cleaning until my mum stood over me one day and told me that it needed doing every day and showed me how. The other part of understanding is that if You (the child) don't do it, you're making someone else (usually a parent) do it for you, and that's not fair because you live in the house and make 1/4 (or whatever proportion) of the work.

You know this because you're an adult and the buck stops with you but growing up kids do need this explaining!

(Btw I still hate packing my suitcase and make my OH come and chat with me while I do it - using my own list)

Try not to compare her to her younger siblings, it'll only make her sad and cross and you don't know what horrors they'll be later on!

I’m curious- when you say this is normal 10 year old behaviour, is this something that develops as they get older? I ask because I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old and right now they’re really good at putting away their stuff and really well organised - they actually remind me about all the things I need to bring when we go out. Now I’m wondering if that’s going to change when they get older.

I think you have to be careful letting them fail too much as it just leads to poor mental health and stress..

Re the residential mine would have done the same gone up with good intentions and got distracted....

Packing Monday morning would be too stressful so would have packed together on the Sunday and started the scaffolding then... eg lets write a list ...get everything together , then pack... although would have done it on Friday probably in case stuff was dirty..

I learnt to give time and short focused bits of activity whilst being present...

Now dc know to write a list in advance, check stuff is washed, pack as little as possible...it is not a natural skill for some nt individuals never mind those that are not ...
Some other dc may just pick this up and some maybe lazy but would rather coach the skill than deal with the stress even if slower..

Sounds absolutely normal to me. My son was like that. He still is at 43. My daughter was the complete opposite, and was said to be 'thirteen going on twenty-seven'.