To ask how I can get over my fear of having people over

[cadburyegg]

When I was in primary school I would have friends over to my house all the time, but I got to the teenage years and I stopped because I felt really paranoid about having people over to my house. Some of my friends I had as a teenager never visited to my house even though I would spend many a weekend at theirs. Looking back I have no idea what their parents thought as I never reciprocated invites. I think the fear stems from the fact my dad could be verbally and physically abusive and showed his true colours sometimes when I had friends over as a young child.

Problem is this has continued into my adult life! I really don't want it to affect my kids' social lives, they are 7 and 4 now so I know would love to have more playdates here but I haven't brought myself to invite any of their friends back in a few months. The pandemic hasn't helped my fear either because I got out of the habit of having people round. It doesn't help that my house isn't immaculate (single parent) and I'm just scared of being judged!

How can I get over this or is it just a case of biting the bullet and doing it regularly?

Start small. Invite one mum for a coffee. Or invite one child to play with yours.
Try that just a few times with one person. If you feel comfortable move on to two.
I think Covid has compounded a lot of things but if you make the effort for your dc you’ll gain confidence.

I think it is a case of biting the bullet and just doing it. A bunch of 7 year olds don't really care what the house is like. they care about how much fun they have when they get there. And unless your house has mould growing up the walls and stinks, I honestly think very few people will care what it looks like inside.

Are your DC being invited to other people's houses? Because I can assure you, that will stop if you don't start reciprocating.

If you really can't face it, then suggest to a friend's parent that you take the children out somewhere.

I was similar, never had friends over really as my parents house was so messy which was embarrassing and my mum was always complaining. But looking back I feel guilt for not reciprocating.

Exposure therapy OP. Just do it. If you feel more comfortable around kids than adults then get one of your 7yo’s friends over and then you just have to face the small talk with the parent at pick up. Start there. I have a just-7 year old too and have realised that their social life really relies on us parents at this point. It’s facilitated by us. So you have to get out of your comfort zone. Covid really mucked me up as I didn’t get in there in that first term of reception, and since then we’ve had covid restrictions. So I’m really making an effort with the school friends now things are back to normal!

Find a mum friend who you like and just ask her for a coffee then you can build up to more people

Your house doesn’t have to be immaculate if you can be a good host; have tea/coffee and biscuits available; make sure it’s all clean even if not tidy

If you have a safe time and place where you won’t be disturbed, could you try sitting with the feelings, thinking about your dad and just letting the feelings rise up. Or if counselling us an option, you could do this with a professional.

Feelings need attention before they can subside and if you can get yourself to a state of detachment where you can look at them with something like curiosity, it can be very healing.

I’d start with a play date - arrange to leave the other dc home afterwards which will give you control over the time it ends. Get some nice food in (I usually do a fruit platter and let them pick their favourites), and leave them to it. When you have some experience of being a good parent in this situation it will help. I imagine a lot of your fear stems from the helplessness as a child, whereas you will actually have a lot of control as an adult.

I was exactly the same as you - had a dad who had an explosive temper and took delight in humiliating me in front of other people and so i never wanted people to come to my house. Took me years to realise that's why I felt the same as an adult, so you've done the hard bit already because you know the cause. I am really outgoing so I know people found it weird that I didn't like people coming to my house. I really worried that my kids would feel embarrassed by me in the same way I felt appalled by my dad. Once I confided in my DH that's how I felt he helped me when I started having kids friends over by either being there as well as me or doing the cooking or just talking to the kids friends. After a few times I realised it was no where near as bad as I thought it would be and now my teens have their friends over whenever and it doesn't make me feel panicked or sick! You aren't your dad and you can do this.

I grew up in an abusive household that was also dirty and messy and it's really hard to get over the shame and paranoia of exposing yourself to how you had to live. It's deeply confronting. It's taken me a very long time to feel comfortable about inviting people over, although there are a few people I'm absolutely okay with being here. Have a tidy up if you want to, then take a deep breath and invite someone for a cuppa. Rinse, spin on gentle, and repeat.

My home now is completely unlike the one I grew up in and while I'm not massively house proud or even that tidy, it's clean and comfortable and extremely homey. It's not that modern indoors, nor remotely fashionable, but the taste is mine and there is nothing to be ashamed of in it. These days I tend to think 'This is my home and this is how I like it' so people can accept it or not.