AIBU but I don't know what else to do

[OnTheGoAlways]

I have posted a few times recently, last time was in the parenting thread regarding my sons behaviour (he hit and punched teachers), I'm in crisis.

I have 2 sons, DS1 is 11 and DS2 is 7. I was with DS1 Father for 7 years and DS2 for 4 years...both cheated. I have been on my own for 5 years.

DS1 is doing great, DS2 has had regulation and behaviour issues since he was in nursery, he also tics and has done for 4 years. The nursery suggested he may have ASD, took DS2 to GP twice, both times it was brushed off. We're many sticker charts and rewards and coloured sheets down the line, DS2 is on the neuro-developmental CAHMS waiting list, has been nearly excluded 3 times, one bought of isolation from the rest of the school and HT, GPs and CAHMS clinician belive autism to be at the root. We live rurally, I work FT and after school club told me they no longer can look after DS2 for any more than 1 hour as they don't have the staff for the support he needs. This is on top of my grandmother almost dying then needing a life changing op, having to sell her house, my LL telling me she's looking into selling and cost of living. I broke down at the school yesterday and after seeing GP have been signed off.

DS2 Dad and I do not get along at all. He doesn't belive there is anything wrong with DS, and that the root of the problem is that I work and the school is bad. He wants DS to live with him, says he won't have to attend ASC and has a bigger support network (this is true). He has a gf, but when I phoned to ask about some more support during summer (as I can't imagine DS will get on well on summer camp now), she shouted at me that they won't provide free childcare, and to go and spend time with DS. Ex has said many times that DS should live with him, and at one point set up a school visit, although he never had permission for this.

I don't know what to do. I'm going to lose my job. I could cut my hours but we are already living on a knife edge, I already eat weetabix for dinner some nights. I can't imagine I could get a mortgage if I earned any less, and I was applying for more senior roles before this crisis. But the thought of only seeing DS at weekends kills me. And then I have my other son to think of too.

If DS moved what would I need to consider? I feel like such a failure.

You poor thing, that all sounds so tough.

Why does it need to be binary? Could he stay with his dad 3/4 nights a week so that there's less afterschool club and his dad gets to do active parenting?

You are not a failure for wanting to provide a better/easier life for both your sons and yourself. If your ex can take on the majority of child care, (he'll soon realise that it's not because you're at work and the school is wrong) then I'd take him up on it while you get other things sorted. He is his dad after all, and just because you're the mum, doesn't mean you have to take all this on on your own.

You are not a failure. The failure is the system. Your child has a right to be educated and cared for rather than excluded and treated as a nuisance. You have a human right to accommodation and food. I’m so sorry that you and your boys are without the basics that you need. I defy anyone to cope with this.

I’m sorry that I don’t know what to suggest but I wanted to tell you that this is a very difficult situation and I’m sorry you are not being supported.

Thank you for replying...and reading the bible above!

Ex lives an hour away and is across the border so he has never helped during the week since DS2 started school. That means DS would go to an English school, where he might be able to access more support than Scottish. I meet with the school frequently and additional ta hours I'm told are not possible.

I feel like it'd just be really irresponsible of me to send DS off to his Dad's, and after the shouting from his gf, I worry about her turning DS against me and I worry about her thinking it's okay to do things like that, I don't know what type of person would shout at someone they have never met when asking for support. A bully I think.

You are definitely not a failure and as you are so stressed I think it would be a sensible thing to think about the possibility of ds living with his dad. His dad is soon going to see that it is not your parenting or the school that is to blame, but you will have more energy to give to your other child and your job. Your job and your mental health are crucial for your to be able to live a life and not just exist. Let your ds live with his dad and try to get some equilibrium back in your life.

Does your ex live with his new partner? Is it possible that he wants your son to come and live with you but it would be her doing the bulk of the childcare? Would she want this?

You're not coping, schools not coping and not is ds2. Time for a change, see how he does in his gathered care. At least it means you can carry on working.

I do feel like I am just existing...I think I have felt that way for a long time. DS2 doesn't have the same issues at home as he does at school, because I placate him and police the relationship between him and DS1 constantly.

My DB said to me a few days ago that when he visits he sees me without a life, eating weetabix and wearing old clothes and attending constantly to the children and not able to pay attention to anyone else. I think he was being extreme to prove a point, and I know all parents sacrifice for their children, but I can see some truth in it.

Could either of you move closer to each other so that there's more practical support on a day to day basis? And then both parents can engage with school etc

I would take him up on his offer and send your son to his father. It will open his eyes to the problems you are dealing with, I doubt it will be long term that he keeps his son, he'll get fed up eventually. It will be hard at first but I imagine you'll get your son back quickly.

I've got dc with asd - I take my hat off to you. I know how bloody hard it is to get any adequate support in a Scottish school and yes, yes, family support really helps.

Both of my dc improved hugely when I gave up on holiday clubs, after school clubs and having a career I wanted.

I'd take him up on his offer but I'd want to talk to his extended family and the gf to find out exactly how good this support was or at least have the care plan shared.

You are not a failure. DS2's behaviour will improve if he is more comfortable and regulated - that's not because he's not autistic that's because his needs are then being met.

All the flowers and all of the cake for you xx

Ps, can you go around the school too? Post on SN chat as your ex would need to get different things in England than Scotland.

But honestly, yanbu, x100m and not a failure to be considering a better school solution however it is achieved.

I'm sorry that your ex is one of those 'they're fine it's your parenting' people but maybe a bit more contact and school engagement will be good for him - my dh was similar until he got more involved and he gets it now.