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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don’t like myself

15 replies

NewMe5452 · 07/06/2022 06:14

I really don’t like myself. I get stressed really quickly. I worry about everything, I cannot relax and I don’t think others like me. I really want to make changes. I feel life is slipping me by. I don’t really have any close relationships. I have kids aged 3 and 7. I just see other people my age living their life and going yo play dates. I feel sorry for my kids as no one wants play dates with them because of me. I do try to arrange things but always met with replies that they’re too busy etc.

i don’t know how I come across. I do have one or two really good mum friends who I walk to school with occasional and have asked them to be brutally honest about what puts people off me but response is always nothing you’re a lovely and caring person.

OP posts:

carefullycourageous · 07/06/2022 06:24

Sorry you are feeling bad

I have had two useful bits of advice in my time when feeling a bit down:

Never judge your insides against someone else's outsides - meaning you are assuming everyone else feels great but statistically that is unlikely, it is more likely that some people are putting on a brave face and also have worries of their own.
Don't focus on what you can't do, focus on making the very best of what you can do. You have two good mum friends - enjoy them. Take your kids to the park for a picnic and a game of hide and seek with you. Focus on making something really fun for your kids after school the next chance you get, take a photo of it and put it on your wall. Build up from there.

You sound so worried, but I am pretty sure you are no worse a person or less likeable than others. Your friends say you’re a lovely and caring person which is a compliment.

Original poster

NewMe5452 · 07/06/2022 06:32

@carefullycourageous thank you. In truth I don’t feel they really are my friends as I’ve had a big birthday recently and none of them know. We don’t even know each other’s birthdays. We don’t really meet up outside of school run. I feel like I’m pestering people when I arrange to meet up!

OP posts:

peoniesarejustperfect · 07/06/2022 06:42

Sending you a big hug. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. It can be so difficult to make friends, especially at the school gate where we are all thrown together. You may find it useful to listen to Brooke Castillos (sp?) podcasts branded The Life Coach School. There are over 400 of them and there are several on friendships. Her real thing is to learn more about yourself and become happier with who you are. Have you got any hobbies you enjoy? Agree with previous poster about not judging your inside against someone else’s outside - I haven’t heard that before and it makes total sense.

KangarooKenny · 07/06/2022 06:45

I think that feeling like life is slipping you by is common as you get older. I’ve often wondered if going to bed early is actually a waste of life.
Do you have family nearby ? Have you ever thought of having counselling to find out where your stress comes from, or told your GP ?

Fritilleries · 07/06/2022 06:51

Birthdays are overrated. Nobody tracks them! I would see a doctor about your mood. Unfortunately if you're feeling shit then it creates a 'vibe' that people steer away from.

Original poster

NewMe5452 · 07/06/2022 06:55

Thank you all. No I have no family near by. Honestly when I do see family it makes me worse as something they have said stays on my mind. They’re no nice people. I feel my personality is the direct result of my family and childhood. I wish I had real friends who would replace family.

I’ve noticed at school gate people don’t talk to me or say hi unless I do first.

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 07/06/2022 06:57

There are many people on here, including myself, who don’t have any friends. It seems to be a modern problem, and I’d think that ‘artificial’ friends on SM doesn’t help.

carefullycourageous · 07/06/2022 07:08

It sounds like self-nurture and a nice day with your children would be a well-deserved treat today. What could you do today after school to make you all have a lovely time you remember? Just something little.

Being lonely is very hard, but not uncommon. Maybe today you can't fix the big problem but you can make today a nice day for you and your kids.

Bloodyel · 07/06/2022 07:16

A lot of people feel this but it's usually not the case that you're you're likeable it's just an anxiety you're projecting onto others. Most of the time when people turn down meeting up or whatever its because they're busy or they can't imagine the plans because they don't know you well enough/the plans aren't specific. If you know someone well enough, perhaps the other mums you walk with, suggest something specific like a park/event/ attraction and see, but if they say no it's very u likely to be something personal. As others have said focus on what's working and making nice memories with your lovely children. The more relaxed you are about how easy it can be to be happy the more friends will drift your way I promise.

Bloodyel · 07/06/2022 07:16

*not the case that you're not likeable

Original poster

NewMe5452 · 07/06/2022 08:09

Thank you all. Yes I’m going to make today a lovely day for myself and my kids. I just feel overwhelmed and house is a mess all the time and I’m constantly worried about everything

OP posts:

Mytoddlerisamazing · 07/06/2022 08:11

Honestly I think 1 or 2 mum friends is normal (at least I hope it is!). The only people who know my birthday are my immediate family plus a couple of old school friends who might send a text. Agree that social media doesn't help as it seems like everyone is of on holidays with their "girl gang" all the time but I think for most people it's not like that.

Also, lots of people are busy! Do you work? Have hobbies? I think sometimes it's better to "get out of your head" by focusing on something other than yourself iyswim.

(If this sounds like I'm preaching I'm really not - I do feel like you do sometimes too)

Ironmanrocks · 07/06/2022 22:47

I had a horrid time when my child was small. Lots of friends and family died around the same time, I'd moved away and left all of my lovely large groups of friends and knew no one. It built slowly. I went to baby groups, joined the pta etc and gradually I discovered the people who I really consider good friends now. That still took a while and sometimes I would wonder where the old me was, under all of the anxiety and grief I was experiencing. I was still there. I've emerged stronger (mostly). I'm probably not as 'nice', as I have learned to say no to things I don't want to do, but I've kept a few solid friends. It's so hard and I hated that stage, but it really does get better. Good luck.

Ironmanrocks · 07/06/2022 23:01

Boredsoentertainme · 07/06/2022 23:03

You come across as confused, you say you’ve one or two “really good” mum friends, but then say they aren’t friends, they don’t even know when your birthday is, and you don’t even meet up outside school runs, you just walk to school with them, but you actually asked them why people didn’t like you.

this is a really disconcerting thing to ask someone who isn’t a friend. How would they even know, they only walk with you occasionally. Can you see why this is disconcerting to ask someone you aren’t actually friends with and who is simply an acquaintance?

I will be honest as you want to know, the mere fact you asked them shows a lack of boundaries, a lack of empathy and a high level of self focus and this maybe part of the issue. How would they possibly know, they don’t even know you well enough to know when your birthday is, and even if they did know, of course they would never say it to your face, who would when you are simply an acquaintance they see on the school run.

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