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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dads health

9 replies

hushpuppy22 · 07/06/2022 00:55

What would you do...

Dad has told my sister and I (separately) he has prostate cancer but doesn't want to spread the word to other members of the family.

AIBU to think that all his children should know? We don't know the severity of it yet or plan of treatment.

I only know because i'm nosey but very organised so help with his general day to day life admin and noticed when he said he has a few appointments. Sister knows because she lives close to him and noticed the same so we put 2+2 together something wasn't right.

I've asked him to be reasonable and think about how he'd feel if it was him and siblings and he has said he'd want to know.

I know he is scared. Naturally. I don't fault him for that. His excuse is that he doesn't want any fuss or anyone to worry about him. Which we will. Naturally.

We are all very close and all have our roles within the family - organised, logical thinker, HR adviser etc I'd like the others to know to share advise and off-load really.

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 07/06/2022 01:00

Telling half his kids and not the other is not really on. It's all in or all out, in my opinion. If I were you I'd tell your dad that you're not comfortable keeping this a secret, and say that if he doesn't tell the others by X date you'll fill them in yourself. Not in a threatening way though.

EmmaH2022 · 07/06/2022 01:33

So you found out, he didn't tell you?

i don't think he should feel pressured into anything. He might share the info if/when he feels ready.

RagingWisteria · 07/06/2022 03:19

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I also think that it should be his choice who he tells. He might very well be waiting until he has further tests results to see how advanced it is. Prostate cancer can range in severity depending on the Gleason Score and how far it has advanced. It is very treatable in it's early stages. Let him find out more information first and come to terms with his diagnosis. If the diagnosis is not good and he still doesn't tell them then yes by all means question it.

Original poster
hushpuppy22 · 07/06/2022 04:44

Thanks

OP posts:
SickAndTiredAgain · 07/06/2022 05:18

MolliciousIntent · 07/06/2022 01:00

Telling half his kids and not the other is not really on. It's all in or all out, in my opinion. If I were you I'd tell your dad that you're not comfortable keeping this a secret, and say that if he doesn't tell the others by X date you'll fill them in yourself. Not in a threatening way though.

Firmly disagree.

His health - his choice. By all means encourage him to tell the others, but to say you'll do it if he doesn't is out of line imo.

BluOcty · 07/06/2022 06:42

I can imagine wanting to know the severity and gave a plan before telling others. It's a lot of emotional labour, having people be worried about you. Maybe raise it again when he feels clearer and more in control?

Unescorted · 07/06/2022 06:54

Firstly, prostate cancer is a very treatable form of cancer. What is important is that he is being treated so it doesn't spread.

Both my parents have had cancer - and as soon as they told people they had cancer it is what defined them. Each time they spoke to anyone the first thing they were asked about was their medical history. It was really difficult for both of them. My Mum has made a full recovery and has been well for over half a decade, yet everyone puts the face of concern on and asks "Hows your Mum.......hmmmmm?" and offers advice of what they would do. I experience it 2nd hand and it is grinding. Imagine never being able to talk about anything except how many times you go for a piss at night for the rest of your life. My Mum cannot cough without everyone in the room giving each other looks of knowing concern and someone rushing off for a glass of water. You can see her trying not to cough in public.

I can understand your fathers reticence. It is his illness - be there to support him, but you cannot take over his life without his consent.

Moithered · 07/06/2022 06:55

hushpuppy22 · 07/06/2022 00:55

What would you do...

Dad has told my sister and I (separately) he has prostate cancer but doesn't want to spread the word to other members of the family.

AIBU to think that all his children should know? We don't know the severity of it yet or plan of treatment.

I only know because i'm nosey but very organised so help with his general day to day life admin and noticed when he said he has a few appointments. Sister knows because she lives close to him and noticed the same so we put 2+2 together something wasn't right.

I've asked him to be reasonable and think about how he'd feel if it was him and siblings and he has said he'd want to know.

I know he is scared. Naturally. I don't fault him for that. His excuse is that he doesn't want any fuss or anyone to worry about him. Which we will. Naturally.

We are all very close and all have our roles within the family - organised, logical thinker, HR adviser etc I'd like the others to know to share advise and off-load really.

His illness, his choice. No-one has the right to share his personal info, be they related to him or not. The posters suggesting you give him a dealine to tell your siblings or you will are outrageous. It is HIS health, HIS decision.
It doesn't matter if a person has a cold or cancer, they have a right to share with whomsoever they please. And they have the right to keep it to themselves
So yes, this is a hell of a piece of news you have nosied your way into discovering; he clearly hadn't wanted you to know, but you forced his hand. The least you can do is decide if he wants your siblings to know

TheSandgroper · 07/06/2022 07:59

If he thinks he is going to have to field continual enquiries about his health from a number of difficulties people, I can see his point. That’s not a prospect to fill a bloke with joy.

However, when my DM was unwell, I put together all her contacts into an email and sent out bulletins. It greatly reduced everybody’s stress levels because while everyone on the list was wanting to have the news and information, they were happy not to have to chase it down.

I had family, friends, committee members, accounts, financial advisor- I even had her haematologist on the list. He never replied directly to me but would make comments during her appointments which showed he was au fait with her day to day condition. He never told me to remove his name either.

Anyway, that’s my 2c worth.

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