Is it me being unreasonable?

[JohnPrescottsPyjamas]

DH has recently met up with half sibling for the first time from his late father’s second marriage. She seems absolutely lovely and we all got on well for the evening.

However, she lives 3 hours away and the get together was easily arranged as she happened to be on holiday in our area and staying in a local B&B.

DH is now very keen we drive to visit her and I overheard him ringing her and asking, “When are we are coming to stay with you?” He then told me she had invited us! I’m uncomfortable with 2 things. I get completely his excitement at finding a sister after being an only child but I’m not comfortable with the fact I feel her hand has been slightly forced through her politeness and personally, I don’t actually want to stay in the house of someone we’ve only spent an evening with. I know staying in a B&B is a strangers home, but the set up is somewhat different. Spending an evening with someone new is quite different from spending night and day with them at this stage of the relationship.

I’ve suggested that we offer to stay in a local hotel but he is insistent that she would be offended if we didn’t “take up her offer” and has told me I’m being miserable by not wanting to stay in her home. This morning he snapped at me and said if I feel like this, I might as well stay at home and he’ll go alone - which will look incredibly rude to her. I’m actually really cross with him as I feel I’m being made to look like the awkward one her - or AIBU?

I think you're being really unreasonable actually - your husband is trying to build a relationship with a member of his family, a sibling it sounds like he never had a chance to know before. I'd be bending over backwards to facilitate this if I were you.

You might well have a point but go with it for now. She'll soon make it clear if she feels he's overstepping.

Hotel or you don’t go. More than fair. It’s great he’s happy and wanting to make an effort but no excuse to drag you into something you don’t want or to bully you when you raise completely sensible points.

Tell him to stop being a dick and hassling you.

You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with to appease his excitement.

I also think you're being unreasonable too. You're totally putting your preferences before your DH's excitement at meeting a sibling after years.

You don't say anything about if you liked her, or her family situation or the relationship between your DH and her.

Just all about what you want in terms of staying over/accommodation.

I think you'd be better off staying at home too.

or to bully you

No-one is bullying her! But she can dictate what she wants?

I think your DH is being a CF. You don’t invite yourself to stay at someone’s home regardless of the relationship. You wait to be invited.

So YANBU and I do think it’s right to stay in hotel, first because she didn’t actually invite you to stay in her home and two it is still an early relationship and everyone being under the same roof may be too much while you are all getting to know each other

Neither are BU you just want to stay different places for your own reasons. You'll now need to come to a compromise.

I think you should go with the flow as determined by your husband on this one. I would only put my foot down if he is suggesting you stay for a week, that would be too much, a night or two is really no big deal.

This actually my point - far better articulated than my original post!

I love the fact he’s found a sister and she genuinely seems lovely, I just feel that it IS early days and to build a relationship takes time and just because there’s a blood connection doesn’t mean everyone will be completely comfortable to start with.

I would go and bring a big bunch of flowers and some nice food to appease any sense that you're putting her out. And if you feel awkward, you can go to bed early under the guise of letting them catch up. I would also try my very best to facilitate this relationship.

I think it's incredibly unfair to call OP's husband a dick. I've actually been through something very similar to this and the emotions can be extremely overwhelming.

Afraid I think YABU. There must be a huge amount of joy in connecting with a blood relative especially when you've been an only child. My dad connected with a long lost sister several decades ago, having spent most of his life thinking he was biologically alone in this world. He wanted to make up for lost time and fill in all the gaps of knowledge, as well as just bond with a member of his family. It's likely this is a hugely important and significant event in your DH's life. A little temporary discomfort for you seems a small price to pay to enable him to have quality time with his sister.

You have to trust that if the sister agreed for you to stay, that her offer was sincere. Tell your DH that you support him and are happy to go and then go and buy the sister a nice gift to take with you. A small sacrifice might result in you having an unexpectedly lovely time.

Some people like having others to stay and don't regard it as an imposition. You're projecting your own caution around visitors on her. Do you prefer not to have people stay with you?

Your husband clearly wants to spend more time with her. What is it that is making you so uncomfortable? Did you not take to her when you met? Is his enthusiasm worrying you? Do you feel peripheral to the arrangement? All perfectly understandable.

I'd probably go to support him, but if you really don't want to I'd reframe dropping out of the arrangement as giving them an opportunity to talk and bond without you around as a distraction.

I’m thrilled he’s found her and he’s happy. It doesn’t mean he can insist OP stays in her house when she doesn’t want to. Or tell her to stay at home if she’d rather stay in hotel.

He’s invited them to his sister’s and lied to OP about it. He can be excited but I maintain that the approach he’s taking makes him a dick. His wishes aren’t more important than his sister’s or his wife’s.

I think you’re assuming she feels the same way as you about visitors. I’ve had friends of friends I’ve never met stay at mine occasionally as a favour - I’m by an airport! No drama at all.
So don’t assume she’s being “polite”.
As to your own discomfort - in this situation, I’d say suck it up, for him.

I would want to ensure that no matter what happened, whether they become best friends or it all fell apart, that my husband could look at me in the future and know I supported him and followed his lead, however I felt about it.

In saying that, there are different kinds of 'I don't want to'. One is, 'this is absolutely beyond something I can do', and the other is, 'I would rather not but would if I had to'. If you are closer to the second type, then I would do it.

I understand your point of view, and if you'd suggested this before she invited you both, then I'd have been with you on it. But the fact is that no matter why she invited you, she has done so and I would think it pretty offensive to now inform her that you don't want to stay at her house.

How do you know that there wasn't a unheard first part of the conversation were she invited him and he was just pinning it down? Some people love a houseful and overnight guests. She might be one. I'd just go with it for now. He needs to be aware that if there's too much too soon, then the relationship will suffer. I've had this in my own family.

Staying in someone’s home is so intimate and tiring. You are both always on. I really dislike it - we did it a lot with kids with relatives in other countries and I vowed as an adult I wouldn’t do it.

how about you say you want to make a holiday of it - stay a few more nights - so a hotel would be easier for everyone as the relationship is established.

the last thing you want is for any tensions to emerge this early on. And staying in a strangers home is tense for everyone

I don't think you're necessarily wrong, but in this situation, I wouldn't push it. You've expressed your concerns, I'd leave it up to him now. If it was my family, that's what I'd want from my DH.

I think you need to trust your instincts and maintain that you won't stay in her home but in a local b&b.

That is enough facilitation from you, your DH asking more from you in unreasonable.

Thank you all for your feedback - much appreciated.

I think I’m assuming she would feel like I do about having unfamiliar guests to stay. She may well be very chilled whereas I would find it stressful and be so focused on everything going well so that I wouldn’t relax. Plus, the element of potential intensity. If things started to ‘dry up’ between them, we would have the excuse of getting back to the hotel and perhaps meeting for lunch the next day.

But I think overall, for me not to go with DH would look like a snub from her new SIL and could potentially start a new relationship off on a bad footing.

I'm always grateful to guests who, when we're a bit talked out and have had enough of each other, declare themselves in need of a walk to stretch their legs or say they have some reading to do and they're just going to retire to their room for an hour or two.