What do other people do in this situation??

[sickbabyagain]

When your child is repeatedly unwell and you have to be off work (again)? Toddler is almost 14 months, since Christmas she has had multiple viral infections which have meant she can't go to childcare. We have no family support so DH and I just taking it in turns to be off with her.

Docs see her every time and say it's "normal" for her to have so many infections at her age and we are in fact "lucky" that she's "only" had 4 or 5 since Christmas and not 10?!

Anyway. I'm off again today with her (DH's turn tomorrow) and I'm just so worried about our jobs! We are both public sector (I'm NHS).

Do you think work run out of patience for this sort of thing? Could my job be at risk? I'm so worried but I don't know what the alternative is!

I’ll have to be honest and say it was one of the reasons dh and I moved back home to be near family.

I don't know about your work and I know children do get bugs on and off, but this seems a lot to me too. I don't know if my dd is normal i this regard but she would maybe have had 1 in the same time. Especially if they are more than just snuffles. Is she on vitamins of any kind? Is her diet good? You could keep a record of all the ones she has with a view to going back to the docs and asking them to have a further look into it.

It's difficult. Thankfully you're able to share the childcare - I know of plenty of families where Busy Important Man simply refuses to take time off work.

If it's any consolation, this will improve as she gets older. Plus there are so many bugs circulating ATM now that we're all properly mixing again. It's really bad timing for you.

What sort of leave are you taking from work? If you're using your annual leave, you can't be sacked for that. There are probably some laws around taking time off for dependents too. Not sure how much you can take though. Tbh it's a very unsympathetic employer who would sack you for having an unwell child. It's not in their interest to be training new staff.

I'd be looking for a different kind of childcare (I'm presuming she's in a nursery setting atm).
A regular childminder who could come to your home and look after DD on a 1-1 basis ideally or a childminder who looks multiple children but who realises viral infections are rife in childhood and your child doesn't need to be 'off' for every sniffle.

Work will lose their patience.

I think this is a very good point too. Is nursery refusing her if she has a runny nose for example?

Although judging by people on MN the slightest sneeze and every child should be quarantined...

Vomiting or a temp- yes they have to be off. Anything else, carry on as normal.

I would question how reactive you are to your daughters illness? Is she really unwell?

Have an honest conversation with your employer. If DC is going to Drs send notes to substantiate but depending on what they are like expect your absence to be 'managed' via company policy. Get to know the policy yourself and make sure you follow your obligations within it.

Thanks for the replies.

It's a bit more than a sniffle, unfortunately. She has repeated throat / chest infections. She is coughing to the point of vomiting, her temp is above 38 (though is starting to come down with calpol & nurofen), and I can hear the a rattling in her throat/chest as she breathes. She's also refusing pretty much most solids and reluctantly taking sips of water. All she wants to do is sleep. I don't know how to help her anymore. She was like this last time too. It wouldn't be fair to send her to childminder like this, on either her or the childminder (or the other kids!)

The worry about my job as well as worrying about DD's health is so stressful. 😥

The year DS started nursery was a constant struggle. Luckily his nursery was realistic about the fact that toddlers get lots of bugs, so I absolutely sent him in coughing and snotty, as did every other working parent. However he still got chicken pox, a stomach bug...and this was all before COVID. I just had to test my manager's patience and be grateful I had worked there for years with a rock solid track record.

On the bright side he got all those bugs out of the way and has hardly missed a day of school.

To be fair it depends on the childcare provider. Ours panics at every cough incase of covid. My daughter has been unwell quite a bit since xmas. Lots of it has been colds I would go to work with. Sometimes the nursery has been ok but she has been sent home 2 or 3 times with connected coughs and not had covid but still had to be off then until next session. She has had chickenpox which was a week off. She has also had a cold where she has actually been unwell and needed to be off (not covid) and then been off with covid but was perfectly well ironically

She has taken child to GP and they've said it is normal though. GP will not be impressed with them going back and taking up an appointment to have it looked into further.

I think you are just very lucky - almost everyone I know has had their child off with multiple infections at this age - doubly worse now due to pandemic lockdown/ non mixing.

It’s shitty that first year they’re in childcare and you’re back at work. It does feel never ending but it will! In terms of taking time off, if neither of you has a flexible job that can be worked from home with a sympathetic employer, then sharing 50-50 is really all you can do. It might be worth one person taking the whole of one sick leave incident, then the other the next - it might look better on your absence record or be easier for your employer to cover? You just have to play it by ear, really. We didn’t have local backup of relatives either and just had to work out whose job was most/least important at any given day. If I had non-movable meetings, he’d be at home. If he had a busy period I’d have to do it.

It sucked, basically.

It sucked, basically.

Yes, this sums it up. I had forgotten or repressed how much it sucked, but it's all coming back to me now.

This sounds really hard. It is why we had a SAHP (shared it) for quite a lot of years, the stress is just unbearable.

Talk to your work about it, you could take unpaid parental leave if necessary, they won't just dismiss you unless you have been there less than two years - they would need to speak with you/performance manage you as ringing in to say 'please can I have the day off for childcare reasons' is not gross misconduct.

Read all your work policies.

When my youngest was at Reception, he got so many sickness bugs, literally just recovering from one, going back to school and then catching something else. it was a nightmare. I worked in a small, local business run by a childless (by choice) couple.
My DH actually took much more time off than me and I had a school mum friend who helped in an emergency, but it's hard to ask others with children as obviously they're not going to want their kids to catch anything.
In the end, I went part time on flexible days. I didn't see another option, and employers didn't like it, but I had to say it was that or I'd leave.
Not ideal. Good luck.

My DS has been ill almost every month since he started nursery last year. It's then passed to his younger sister & me. This has included 5 hospital admissions. I'm also NHS & have been granted special leave for most days but unfortunately I have also been ill so had to take sick leave for those days - 2 of the occasions were D & V where its policy to stay away for 48 hours from last episode - this has triggered a warning with review/meetings etc but there is literally nothing I can do if I'm told to stay away (I work with the vulnerable so couldn't just go in regardless)

I'm hoping everyone is right & both kids immune systems are better by school

I remember practically weeping at getting another call to pick up DC1 from my (very lovely & pragmatic CM) - I was newly pregnant with DC2, knew DC1 probably wasn’t quite well enough to go to childcare but in that borderline early morning way where they might have perked up so we chanced it (with CM happy of course) because neither DH nor I could truly afford another day off. I felt the guilt about work, the guilt about sending my sick child to someone else, and the worry about my sick child. Awful. And I had pretty sympathetic family-friendly employers too!

It does get better op. The 1st year of my children's nursery life were spent mostly at home 😂 with all sorts of infections / viral illnesses/ bacterial etc etc 1000 x hand foot and mouth

After a year or so they started being immune to everything 😄 so hang in there. It will get better xx

@packedlunches GPs are generally very good, but they do miss things as they are so rushed. I had undiagnosed glandular fever when I was little for 3 months before they finally did a blood test. Doc said it was normal that I was tired and had lots of sore throats as I was at school. A friend of ours also had a ds with regular sickness viruses and it turned out they have an illness that is affecting their immune system. I'm not saying it's anything like that of course, but if it carries on I would want my child to be checked to make sure nothings been missed.

GP has agreed to see her this morning. Let's hope they can help!

We were so lucky with ds as he was rarely ill enough to be off nursery. dh was self employed so we had a bit more flexibility (cost us with lost work, but not as awkward as being an employee). SIL had it much harder as her dd were only 18 months apart and both ill frequently, she eventually became a SAHP for a few years. Some children just seem harder hit by bugs than others.

If you don't have any emergency childcare all you can both do is to be honest with your employer. Can either of you work flexibly and make up time in evenings and weekends, highlight your previous strong attendance records and explain it is a temporary blip and you and your dh are sharing the load so it doesn't impact one employer more, ask what the absence policy is for parents will dependents as you are concerned about what you have had to take off, perhaps offer to take it as unpaid leave.

Mine were like this when they went to nursery. I did have to take quite a lot of time off which was unpaid. I was part time so it reduced the impact on my employer and my dh could sometimes use holiday or work from home so we coped. You won't be the first parent in this situation. My contract states that I am supposed to make alternative arrangements for childcare after the first day if my kids are sick but I've never been able to do that and it's never been a problem.

Do check the NHS guidance on whether kids can attend school e.g. once the rash has appeared they often aren't contaigous. Ours was great and they were happy to take slightly snotty toddlers ect. It gets better!

Unfortunately, this is the reality when both parents work. We want women to work (and our economy needs them to work) but no-one has an answer to what parents are supposed to do when their children are ill.

I feel sorry for the employer but I also feel sorry for the parent.

There is no answer if you don't have family who can help. My assistant at work has family who can look after her child when her child is ill. I would be annoyed if she kept taking time off work when her child was ill as I would have to cover for her.

So should I not employ someone who does not have family support in the future? I think I would be really tempted not to as I would have cover for them every time their child was ill.

I really don't know what the answer is.

I think unfortunately both the type of cold and quantity is very normal. I know my employer isn’t bothered at all, but then I WFH permanently as does DH so we can sort of work around sick DC.

Thai must be awful for you all.

how is your employer recording the days off? Is it special leave, sick leave or annual leave?

there will be a policy about how much of each category you can take