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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Holiday

10 replies

renley1982 · 05/06/2022 23:08

We've just come back from a holiday in and we will be going back again in the summer holidays. We part own a house (nothing fancy) with my in-laws and B-I-L. We've already been away with them there once this year and we're due to go away with the in-laws another 3 times in the coming months along with B-I-L.

I kind of feel that this is already a lot (especially as I've not been away with my parents since before lockdown), but they've now told my husband that they're expecting an invite to come along for a few days when we go for a week in the summer holidays (as they never go away with just us but do go away with b-i-l). I was about to suggest to my husband that we should invite my parents along for a few days as it will be my mum's 65th birthday, but put it off as know he'd rather it just be us and the kids.

I've had a big argument with my husband this evening because I've said I don't want them to come as feel like we're going away with them enough (my m-i-l has also always been unpleasant to me, so it's always an uneasy time) and that we should invite my parents. He said that wanting to invite my parents is a lie to get out of inviting his parents which isn't true, but yes, would prefer not to have to have them there. He has now said if my mum's birthday is so important we should cancel the holiday completely and he'll tell his parents he couldn't get the time off work. So my options are, go away on my mums birthday and not invite her and have his family instead, or not go at all and face telling my kids that! Apparently I've put him in an impossible position.

I was hoping to get other options on this as he's still not speaking to me and he's making me feel unreasonable.

OP posts:
RubyJam · 05/06/2022 23:12

I’d just do a separate holiday with my own Mum and dad …
Surely the owned holiday house is a completely separate thing
If my DH started to moan about it- I’d say “ well we have spent lots of time with your family , time to suck it up with mine “
It seems like he likes it if it suits him but not you

sunja · 05/06/2022 23:23

Sorry, you missed out where the holiday was?

lisavanderpumpscloset · 05/06/2022 23:44

I'd be looking to sell my share of that house and buying somewhere that's just mine and DH's pretty sharpish. Or using the money for a big holiday just me, DH and DC

In this instance, I'd be putting my foot down and making it clear I've spent enough time with his family, time for him to do the same and tell his parents to do one for that week

SmartCarDriver · 06/06/2022 02:50

Why did you ever book to go away when it was your mums birthday? Not sure why that is now a problem?

But the fact it's always his parents and family joining you, well that is wrong.

renley1982 · 06/06/2022 10:28

My mum often goes away for her birthday, but don't think she is this time (we're not the most organised of family and tend to go with the flow).

In answer to Sunja, it's a house in the UK. We went there in February, going in September and November for a weekend and going away for a week with them in Cornwall. It seems a lot!

OP posts:
sunja · 06/06/2022 10:32

renley1982 · 06/06/2022 10:28

My mum often goes away for her birthday, but don't think she is this time (we're not the most organised of family and tend to go with the flow).

In answer to Sunja, it's a house in the UK. We went there in February, going in September and November for a weekend and going away for a week with them in Cornwall. It seems a lot!

That is a lot! Also difficult with a critical MIL (I understand this). You have to be firm and put your foot down. It may cause arguments but you have to put your mental health and your immediate family's wellbeing first. DH will hopefully eventually see where you're coming from.

I think holiday with the in laws that much is unnecessary, what about your family? Friends? Just your family unit holidays?! You're not being unreasonable at all.

Swayingpalmtrees · 06/06/2022 11:04

Oh my I could not holiday with my MIL that many times in one year, it is already a lot! And unfair on your parents if you haven't been away with them. Why is it okay to go away with in laws three times and not with your dp??

I would compromise, we can keep the November date (taking into account we have been away once with your mother already this year) but I am going to take my parents for the summer stay.

I would also look to sell up, your dh is using this as a way to keep his parents happy and he does not seem so interested in your family. That is very selfish of him and unfair.

Swayingpalmtrees · 06/06/2022 11:05

I would hold firm on this op, and let him carry on sulking!

10HailMarys · 06/06/2022 11:39

Your husband is being a total dick and of course you should be able to see more of your own parents. Also, massive eyeroll at him 'preferring it to be just you and the kids' when it's your parents who are invited, but holidaying with his own parents three or four times a year. You really need to stand up for yourself a lot more here and set some boundaries and make it clear that spending time with your family is just as important as spending time with his, and that his parents' expectation to be invited on your holiday is not more important than your mum's birthday.

However, I think you were mad to agree to co-own a house with your in-laws in the first place. By co-owning it, you've all given yourselves an equal claim on it, which means having it to yourself or being able to invite your own family there was inevitably going to cause issues. Especially given that your MIL is unpleasant to you.

Your DH is the problem here in refusing to treat your family as equal to his and in refusing to say no to his own parents.

Lizzieismagic · 06/06/2022 11:41

Well it's hardly a bloody holiday if you are with same awful people imo!!
Treat your dm to a fancy day out if not a trip and let dh take the dc with his family.

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