Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU not to go to this wedding?

30 replies

Shergill15 · 05/06/2022 21:28

Will try and keep this as succinct as possible. A friend is getting married this Summer. I have been invited but DD age 7 has not (am single parent). Absolutely their perogative not to have children at the wedding so am not offended by DD not getting an invite.

Am really struggling to find suitable childcare that would enable me to attend - ceremony is at lunchtime and wedding is at a location of sufficient distance that it would be an overnight stay (in area, no accommodation at venue) or a very expensive taxi ride back after evening part. So childcare would need to cover a minimum of 12 hours if not an overnight as well if I was to go, which is a pretty big ask of anyone even if you have a strong support network.

However I don't really have much of a support network:

  • DD's dad and paternal grandparents live abroad and don't see her often
  • My parents, DF is recovering from cancer treatment and is a carer for DM who is in the early stages of dementia. So whilst they would help in a dire emergency they couldn't cope for such a long time
  • Working hours mean I hardly ever do school run so I'm not really close enough to any school mums to ask them
  • Cost of a babysitter would be prohibitive for the hours involved (and I'm not really keen on leaving DD with a stranger for such a long time

Would it be unreasonable to decline the invitation in this case, or if you were the bride would you be offended/expect me to go?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 05/06/2022 21:32

If she's decided on a child free wedding she must surely expect some people not to be able to attend.

CornishGem1975 · 05/06/2022 21:34

It's an invite, not a summons.

I got married last year and when people declined I didn't even give it a second thought. People have other stuff going on. I never give a reason when I decline an invite.

JuneJubilee · 05/06/2022 21:34

If the bride is offended/expects you to go, she's no friend is she? Presumably she's aware of your situation?!

Cann you not just 'not drink' & drive home? Then it's just a baby sitter for the day/evening, not overnight.

Does your DD not have any friends that would have her for a sleep over? I'd happily have her if she was a friend of one of mine.

How much do you want to go to the wedding?

StoneofDestiny · 05/06/2022 21:35

Decline and say you have no childcare. No problem.

JudyRudy · 05/06/2022 21:35

You don't need to justify why you're not going. You see this a lot of mumsnet, people listing numerous reasons why they don't want to go, and others going on about how bride and grooms are ridiculous for expecting so much etc etc - whereas I don't know a single bride or groom who would be pissed off is someone said they couldn't go to their wedding. You've been invited, and they'd obviously love you to go, but if you can't then you can't. It's not that deep.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/06/2022 21:36

That’s a lot of reasons. You only need one - she’s having a childfree wedding, you have a child and it’s a ball ache for you to leave her. Just say you can’t go and hope they have a nice day.

Idontevenknow · 05/06/2022 21:38

Politely decline. You're not declining in a rush because you're in a huff that your child can't go. You've clearly taken time to think it all through and it's just not feasible for you. YANBU

ShandaLear · 05/06/2022 21:38

it is perfectly acceptable to decline the invitation. Send a nice card and say you hope to meet up after the wedding. I know how you feel. Sometimes, despite our best intentions, events like these take up so much brain space and the whole thought of it becomes overwhelming. You don’t have to go.

CrocodilesCry · 05/06/2022 21:38

A sleepover with a friend? Whoever drops her at school if you don't do the school run?

MrszClaus · 05/06/2022 21:39

Politely decline! We had a child free wedding, expecting that a couple of people might not be able to attend due to this. As long as you haven't RSVPd yes, then do a last minute cancel I can't see a problem.

Mally100 · 05/06/2022 21:40

Yanbu, is this a close friend? What does she expect you to do with your dd? I would decline and wouldn't even give it a second thought.

ColourfulOnesie · 05/06/2022 21:41

Is it explicitly child free or is she having children from the family but not everyone’s child kind of thing? Just because if she’s having some children she may consider letting your DD go under the circumstances
On our guest list we are only having family children and close friends but there is the odd exception where we know they have no childcare so their DC are also coming

But if it’s a child free wedding they will be prepared for people to not go

mumto2teenagers · 05/06/2022 21:44

I would just decline, no need to give a reason.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 05/06/2022 21:45

You are totally reasonable to decline and a decent friend would have no issue. People are entitled to have child free weddings but they must realise it might be unmanageable for some of their guests to attend.

heyitsthistle · 05/06/2022 21:45

Does your DD have any friends that she can stay over with? You can offer to repay the favour!

YANBU to decline the invitation though.

DogsAndGin · 05/06/2022 21:56

YANBU. However, if you do want to go, and drive, could you consider not drinking and leaving early to avoid having to stay overnight? Best of both 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Shergill15 · 05/06/2022 22:04

ShandaLear · 05/06/2022 21:38

it is perfectly acceptable to decline the invitation. Send a nice card and say you hope to meet up after the wedding. I know how you feel. Sometimes, despite our best intentions, events like these take up so much brain space and the whole thought of it becomes overwhelming. You don’t have to go.

I think you're right and it probably is taking up too much space in my head! I would definitely send a card and make a donation to their chosen charity (which they've asked for in lieu of gifts)

OP posts:
bettbburg · 05/06/2022 22:06

If the bride is offended then it's her problem, she's made it impossible for you to attend without great expense and inconvenience.

SandyY2K · 05/06/2022 22:07

If she a close enough friend she'll understand your situation. If she gets offended, she's not that good of a friend.

I had a childfree wedding, apart from children of the family. I bore this in mind when inviting people and where I knew childcare could be an issue... because the wedding was in a different city to my home town, I did allow a very limited number of other kids...no more than a handful.

Original poster
Shergill15 · 05/06/2022 22:08

CrocodilesCry · 05/06/2022 21:38

A sleepover with a friend? Whoever drops her at school if you don't do the school run?

She does breakfast and after school club at an off site provider. They do the school run but are only open as wraparound care unfortunately

OP posts:
cobden28 · 05/06/2022 22:08

Tje brider's wish for a child-free wedding and you not being able to find adequate childcare to cover while you're away is sufficient reason to decline a wedding invite IMHO.

Original poster
Shergill15 · 05/06/2022 22:10

Thank you to everyone who has commented, I think I do tend to overthink these things and tie myself in knots 😏so its really helpful to get a range of viewpoints x

OP posts:
MelonsMelonsMelons · 05/06/2022 22:13

I think declining the invitation in these circumstances would be completely reasonable.

We had a child free wedding. If someone had told me they couldn’t attend because of childcare, it would’ve been absolutely fine.

TotallyFloored · 05/06/2022 22:37

I had this with a family member. Child free wedding but all my childcare was invited too as it was a family event, so I had no one to look after my DD.

In those circumstances, I politely declined but did explain why. I knew they had other children there of similar ages (closer family than me) so it was up to them to say I could bring my toddler if they wanted. They didn’t, but I never got any bad feeling for not attending.

I’d explain why I was declining if it’s a close friend/family, so they have a chance to make an exception for your child if they wanted to with no pressure, otherwise I’d just decline.

N0tfinished · 05/06/2022 22:45

Could you attend the ceremony & not the reception? I've done that a number of times. People are usually touched that you'd attend the ceremony, and it's my favorite part anyway!