But… what am I supposed to look like after having a baby?! (Lighthearted)

[ChuckGarabedian]

I had my third child by c-section a week and a half ago. Like anyone with a new baby, I haven’t had much sleep. I’m still recovering from the surgery, as well as looking after my 3 and 5 year olds as normal, so not much chance to sleep when the baby sleeps.

Various relatives haven’t held back their opinions on my appearance, including:

”You look washed out”
”Are you feeding him yourself? You look very pale” (am usually pale 🤷🏻‍♀️)
”You’re looking very drawn out”
”You should be resting, you look tired”
”Chuck, you look like five kinds of shite”*

*I may have made this one up but it’s pretty much what they’re driving at…

Now, fair enough if you have a relative who’s looking a bit peaky and you don’t know why and you’re concerned. But I just had a baby not a fortnight ago, of which they’re well aware. AIBU to think this is just how many women look in the immediate aftermath of having a baby and it doesn’t help anyone to essentially tell them they look like crap?!

Or maybe I just need to grow a thicker skin… or at least slap some fake tan on it.

Be rude right back: “I just had a baby, what’s your excuse?”

My particularly awful Great-Aunt was awful for this. Five weeks after EMCS: “You seem very tired… quite low… where’s your pep gone?” Dunno, maybe all my pep haemorrhaged away in surgery?

Mil commented I was still carrying the baby weight.
Ds was 2 weeks old and I was back in size 8 jeans.
She was an awful woman.

“Yep, and in a year I’ll look fabulous again and you’ll still look rude”

I’ve said YABU only because I wonder if they’re concerned and expressing it poorly.

I had two CS and after the second I wasn’t looking well and was readmitted day 5.

After my first I had a terrible time but actually looked ok in spite of no sleep and feeding issues.

One of the assessment criteria for doctors is how the patient ‘looks’. On my readmission I was sure I was wasting my time at maternity triage and has been sent by community. Midwife explained that there was a long wait for a doctor as she did my obs, disappeared and returned with a doctor in less than 5 mins.

I was completely bemused as I just thought I was tired.

Make some remarks about how they look, fire with fire.

Or just deploy a traditional “fuck you”.

Are they saying this shit followed by "give us a hold of baby and you go sleep for 2 hours"/"let me make you a brew"/"you put your feet up I'll bring you lunch"?

If not they are being arseholes.

Arseholes! Ignore, ignore, ignore. What you look like is nobody’s business, unless they’re genuinely concerned for your health and well-being and willing to help out, id needed.

Here’s a story to cheer you up though: my FIL turned up at the hospital a couple of hours after I’d had DS (yes, HOURS), I was a knackered, shell shocked, pale and dehydrated mess. He looked at me very carefully, literally studied my face, and commented: “you look different today”.

@Susurrar That did make me laugh 😂 cheers!

"I've just had a baby via major surgery, what's your excuse heifer?" Might work here. Or the traditional: "You look like you need a big mug of shut the fuck up."

Or: "I'll remember that when my stitches heal."

Sadly not! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there’s any malice behind (most of) the comments, just seems pretty tactless. It’s mostly coming from older female relatives and in-laws who are mothers of adult children themselves, I think they’ve forgotten what it’s like!

I agree with @Merryoldgoat - do you FEEL ok?

I would expect a new mum to look tired and not have time to care about her looks, but I do think there is a point where someone looks dreadful and unwell and it's strange that several people have said it.

Hopefully they are just insensitive!

How rude of them op. I shall say to you what I always say to new Mum's 'You look great how are you feeling? What can I do to help?'

Next time someone tells you that you look tired say 'Yes I am, can you do me a favour and load the dishwasher while I have a nap'.

It sounds unusual that everyone has lost their race. Is it possible that the birth has led you you becoming anaemic so are genuinely much paler than usual and in need of iron?

*race = tact!

Just say, I keep getting bloody visitors when I want to rest.

All new birth mums have gone through labour/surgery and most also have lack of sleep from having to deal with a newborn.

But not all are having to deal with two other children, and many will have additional family support if they do. Where's your partner? Are the grandparents/uncles/aunties rallying round?

Not that I’m aware of - I was told my iron levels were good after the birth and I’m naturally very pale as it is.

Tell them that of course you look like shit you got cut in half last week! See how that goes down

Daft question, do they know you've actually had a csection? Long story, but DH never actually told my in laws I'd had a section with my eldest. It wasn't until I was pregnant with my second baby that they found out because I told them. They understood then why I didn't want any visitors in the hospital!

Secondly, do they actually know what a csection entails? I don't think people actually realise how major an operation it actually is. It was only my mum who really understood how big of an op it was. Especially for me because I'd never actually been to hospital for anything before having him! Everyone else just kind of expected me to crack on and couldn't understand why I wanted to live in my stretchy leggings.