To be upset by these comments? Tw: babyloss

[Mat44]

DS and I are currently on a visit with my parents who we don’t see very often as they live far away.
Yesterday they kept saying to my son how they love him so much, how he’s their favourite grandson because he’s their only grandson, and talking about how they don’t have any granddaughters.

The thing is, I have both a daughter and another son who were stillborn in the last few years. My son is fully aware of these so it’s not like they were trying to protect his feelings. Myself and my husband are quite public about our losses as we do a lot of fundraising for babyloss charities, so it’s not a big taboo subject we’re trying to forget or anything.

the comments just felt so cruel. How on earth could they think this was an ok thing to say? I feel so sad that my other babies obviously mean nothing to their own grandparents.

I have been in your exact position. I have to remind myself that as parents we had actual relationships with our children that were still born whereas the grandparents did not have that physical connection as such. I would mention to them that it does hurt you when they say things like this though as it minimises your loss.

At least they are loving grandparents towards your son. Some GPS aren't.

Take care.

So sorry for your losses.

It seems like a slightly strange thing to say full stop, do they have form for saying cruel things or could it have been a thoughtless throwaway comment?

It slightly depends on the context as well. Could it have been some misconstrued strange way of trying to make you feel better about not having other living children?

I can see this from both sides. Obviously it was an insensitive thing to say. But equally they haven’t had the opportunity to build the same relationship with the babies you lost, in the same way that they have your son. It’s natural to think of him differently. Baby loss is a lot less tangible for those who are not directly involved I think.

That is strange.
ex Husband was one of three- His older sisters both died, one stillborn, the other, shortly after her birth.
Our DS was always told of his two Aunties who died very young.
Sorry for your losses OP.

Grandparents build their relationships with grandchildren as they get to know them. Which incredibly sadly they weren't able to do with your other children.

Unless they are awful people I guess their not being deliberately cruel just more thoughtless or different generation where still birth isnt really talked about or acknowledge.

Thanks everyone. It’s useful to hear all your insights. I feel like if they were just making small talk with someone they didn’t know very well and said they have one grandchild then I would understand that, but it was the way they went out of their way to repeatedly say it infront of me that really hurt. But I think those of you are right who said it was probably more thoughtless than deliberately cruel.

They never bonded or knew their other grandchildren and perhaps believe it's morbid to dwell on their deaths.

Understandably their passing is always going to be in your thoughts and they will always be with you in your's and your husbands hearts and minds.

I don't think they would be intentionally cruel but like anything related to death and loss it may cause awkwardness when talking about it.

Perhaps you could have a quiet word with your mother and say that you want your other children remembered. She may even say that she didn't want to mention them for fear of causing further upset.

Unless you communicate your feelings your parents won't understand.

I'm sorry you lost the babies but they do only have one grandson?

I'm sorry for your losses. I can only imagine how hard it is.

I appreciate you probably couldn't have corrected them in front of your DC but would it be possible to speak to them about it separately. Tell them your preference is to have all of your DC acknowledged.

Imo losses in generations gone by were not really acknowledged.. No support like there is now. Things sadly brushed under the carpets etc. Sorry for your losses. They should though have kept their gob shut...

Oh pal. I can see this from both sides. It was a silly thing to say and I don't imagine they thought for a second to say it to hurt you. Is it worth a chat?

I'm so sorry for your losses and for your parents' thoughtless comments.

I understand a bit about how you feel. My twin son and daughter were stillborn in 2019. We went on to conceive twins again later the same year and they were born 4 months early. My daughter survived but sadly my son passed away in NICU when he was four days old. My daughter is only two so we haven't told her about her twin brother yet as she couldn't understand. However, my parents talk like our daughter is their only grandchild too.

Last Summer after the worst of covid appeared to be over, we had a family party to celebrate our daughter's homecoming nearly two years after she was born as she'd been in hospital for 8 months and came home during lockdown before being shielded for months. My dad proposed a toast to our daughter (his granddaughter) and said a few nice words about what an amazing little girl she is etc. He then said "To (DD's name)". I'd previously asked him to mention her brother's name also, but he didn't. I added "and to (DS's name)" and people looked uncomfortable and didn't repeat it as they raised their glasses.

I just can't understand why. My daughter is not an only child. Not only is she growing up without her twin brother, she's growing up without her older brother and sister too. I never mentioned their names. My family's reaction felt - and still feels - like a betrayal.

I understand how much this hurts. They may not be here but they are still our babies and always will be.

I understand how you feel OP. My eldest daughter died in pregnancy my parents are wonderful about including her. They always say that they have two grandchildren. My DH's parents not so much. It is hurtful. There is so much taboo around babyloss still.

I suppose people are different. I always say I have 2 older brothers but I actually have another older brother who was stillborn. It might be a generation thing as my dm refers to having 3 dc never 4. She does on occasion speak about her loss but it was also different times she never saw him and he was buried in a communal grave she since located jis grave but i dont know when he was birthday was it was never celebrated.

I'm so sorry for your losses.
I hope you won't find my next sentences insensitive- it's an explanation of what I read in your words.

For me, there's a question of grammar and tense involved, which emotion may be blurring.

Those who say their child isn't an only child- the child is growing up alone so in every sense usually referred to is an only child.
Your parents have one grandchild. They were going to have more, they should have had more, but they sadly didn't survive.

I think that whilst it’s subjective, how people phrase how many children/grandchildren they have, what isn’t subjective is saying openly how they want a granddaughter, knowing about the loss of a daughter. You need to say something and they need to stop. Extremely hurtful and I’m sorry for your loss

No one’s trying to say your babies didn’t exist, they’re praising and chatting to the children who are alive.

I’d feel pretty odd if every time my mother spoke to me she also addressed herself to her late miscarriage in 1970. It shattered her, and she mourns the loss still.

But Mum doesn’t. Life is for the living. Spare a thought for your living DCs who shouldn’t have to negotiate other people’s grief in their youth.

And it’s very much other people’s grief - DD won’t ever feel her loss, thanks to you shielding her, so carry on with your own mourning yourself, and keep it personal.

things were very different in their generation so I think yabu but I understand why you’re annoyed by it

Could it have been a clumsy way to express how precious their DGS is to them? Arriving as he did after two losses.
I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to two of your children so soon xx

I went into early labour with my twin DD's, they were born just short of 3 weeks apart and sadly both passed away shortly after being born, they were both desperately longed for after struggling for years ttc. I now have a beautiful nearly 4 year old. It still upsets me when I get Christmas cards from close family that are addressed to just me and DD and not all 4 of us. To me, although they aren't physically here, they should still deserve to be mentioned, I've told family to always include them, but sadly, some just don't.

Sounds like a clumsy way to express hiw special your dd is. My friend experienced similar when her parents were joyous when their first granddaughter was born, only she wasn't their first granddaughter, friends had a stillborn baby girl a month earlier.

As for your parents, they didn't have the same bond you have with your children that were stillborn. They couldn't possibly because their relationship would have only developed after the birth as time passed. They didn't get that opportunity. You can't expect them to feel the sake way that you do no matter how much it hurts. You can speak to them, explain how you feel so they are more mindful in the future.

Thoughtless.
And you don't have the emotional energy yet to translate and hear the good stuff people are pointing out.
Hugs

I cannot fathom why 62% of voters have said YABU. Do any of you faceless and heartless people care to admit to why you voted this way? Have all 62% suffered baby loss? I somehow doubt it.

I found this post utterly heartbreaking. My daughter was in NICU. She thankfully survived but does have a disability and health issues. I met a lady in there who had twin girls: only one is alive now but she is very much a mummy to two children as you are to your four beautiful children.

My stillborn son was born in 2020 and I'm now pregnant with DS3. People ask me how many kids I've got and I always say this is my 3rd son.
DS2 is dead, not a figment of my imagination. He had a face, a name, was a little person and a member of our family like any other and being dead doesn't cancel that out.
I would be absolutely shattered if his grandparents insisted on pretending he didn't exist. Thankfully I know my boys memory is loved and cherished by all of his family.
YANBU to want the same for your child. Your baby deserves nothing less.