Partner won’t help himself

[Lucygogo]

My partner has a long term progressive illness. We are both in our 50s. He still works at the moment but is getting a bit worse as the years go by. However he doesn’t seem to want to do anything to help himself if it doesn’t involve taking a tablet. He has a physiotherapist and a speech therapist which he goes to however he will not do any of the exercises that they give him to do at home even if I try to do them with him which really makes his appointments pointless. I have tried various diets to help him lose weight and cook all the meals for him but after a while he just cheats and goes back to eating what he likes again. Exercise is supposed to be one of the best things he can do but apart from getting up and going to work he does nothing even if I try to do it with him. Although he admits that getting up and working makes him feel better. He hardly does anything around the house to help and virtually nothing on his days off. I research things that may help him and send him articles to read but he seems to do none of this for himself. We can hardly have a decent conversation as he’s speech is getting worse but he won’t do his speech exercises. When I ask him why he doesn’t do anything to help himself he just doesn’t answer or says he doesn’t know. I understand he may be a bit depressed - he’s on antidepressants already- but if he did what he’s supposed to he would probably feel better. I feel I’m doing everything I can to help while he does nothing but it will be me that’s left to care for him if he deteriorates more quickly than he should. I think about splitting up with him but the guilt I would feel is immense. I’m torn between ‘in sickness and in health’ and ‘you only have one life’. Any advice?

id find that very frustrating and also wouldn’t stay. He’s expecting you to pick up all the slack. He sounds very lazy, have you always gone everything?
i would leave for that reason alone!

It’s his life and his illness, so I’d leave him to it. He knows what he should do, and he knows you want him to do it, so drop it for you own sake.

I’ve always done more around the house and I understand that his disease may make him more tired than normal but his doctor said to him ‘ the more you move, the more you move’. So while I’m not expecting him to be as energetic as someone in good health I just want some effort!!

You can split for any reason. I've watched friends waste their lives with husbands in similar situations - or husbands with entirely treatable conditions - who just refuse to help themselves. I personally couldn't tolerate watching someone hasten their own demise - I think 'for better or worse' means 'within reasonable limits'.

Ultimately you can't make him do anything. All you can do is tell him how you feel, how it's affecting you, give him an opportunity to do things differently and great if he does but if not - put yourself first.

Tbh I'd find that hard long term. If he isn't interested in helping himself I'd stop helping him. I'd stop researching and suggesting things to help, and free up that time for some self care.

I'd probably also consider separating as I wouldn't want my future to be tied to someone who just expects that I'd care for them even though they couldn't be bothered to care for themselves.

I'd probably sit him down and ask him his plans for the future. I suppose he's just burying his head currently but he needs to understand the consequences. Is he working to put away money to pay someone to care for him? Or is he just expecting you to pick up the pieces?

If you can longer have a conversation I'd be looking at things like power of attourneys for when things get worse. Maybe considering things in this way will be a wake up call for him? Maybe you can speak to someone from a charity concerned with the disease he has and make him make some real plans for the future?

I can't wave the pom poms for someone who won't help themselves. It gets tiresome and tedious. If you don't want to stay with him you don't have to. If he's forced to look after himself, it might help him tbh

I have one of these at home too. I posted just this week about being at my wit’s end.

I feel exactly the same as you do, miserable and frustrated but guilty and conflicted. Unfortunately I have no wisdom for you, but wanted to send some sisterly solidarity.

You talk about 'for better for worse' and then say partner? Depending on whether you are married or not I would be taking some financial advise and separating your finances so that you don't end up loosing your retirement funds to fund his care which he sounds like he will need earlier than pension age of 66?

I’d go with “you only have one life”. You’re not his mother.

A partner not taking responsibility for their own health would be a deal breaker for me as I'd lose respect for them.

So you live with a lazy man who isn't looking after his declining health? Why wouldn't you walk away?

Unfortunately, my Dad was the same, even when we persuaded him to go into a local (for us) nursing home (he’d had amputations due to poor foot care, uncontrolled type 2 diabetes, depression and 3 minor strokes that he’d been in rehab care to regain movement, and moved to live 400 miles away). At the time we got him into a care home 6 years ago, he hadn’t had a shower for 18 months. And that was despite regular 800 mile round trips by me to try & get him showered - I succeeded once and that was with him threatening violence to me - and 2 carers once a week to try to shower him.

He died 2 weeks ago after being like this for 10+ years. It was only on the Tuesday before his death on the Saturday that the GP said he no longer had capacity to make decisions.

Even then, he was the one to decide that he wanted to withdraw from active treatment for his diabetes & wound care. Because - he was deemed to have capacity. So we watched him die a horrible death of starvation, infection, uncontrolled diabetes, blood clots in his legs & brain (he wanted his blood thinners withdrawn because, capacity) and it was, to be honest, fucking brutal. The GP was frustrated with Dad’s decision, the care staff tries to persuade him to not take this course of action, we did of course too.

If someone has capacity, you can do everything in your power to try & help them, but if they won’t engage, there is nothing you can do. It has broken our hearts that there was so much he could’ve achieved if he’d actively engaged (he was only 76 when he died).

We are sad. We are angry. There’s that feeling that we, his kids, we’re not good enough to try & engage with rehab to keep on living.

Capacity is a double edged sword that Dad is the poster boy for why it can go so fucking wrong.

If he doesn't do the exercises etc will he get to a point where you have to care for him? That would make me angry if he is going to get to the point when I have to do the care but he isn't helping himself

I wonder if he is scared and in a bit of denial.....

I feel I’m doing everything I can to help while he does nothing but it will be me that’s left to care for him if he deteriorates more quickly than he should

Yep - This is your life.

& since you're a woman there will be some who will encourage you to bend even further backwards in an attempt to help him, until your own health is shot to pieces at which point you'll be no use to yourself much less him.

I hope you get out and live your own life. Then again maybe you'll entrap yourself via guilt, who knows. But there really is only so much you can do. You are not a qualified counsellor/therapist etc

He'll soon access the care he needs if you go.

I think you should give him fair warning, and make plans to separate if he won't help himself.

He (or you) can ask for an adult care assessment (or re-assessment). I've had one myself. And he needs to do his physio - it's that simple.

If he's refusing to do his physio, he's saying a big 'fuck you' to you, his family, his friends, and all the professionals who have been involved in his care.

I have debilitating conditions and I have to be able to function. I have to do my physio.

What was he like before the illness? If your roles were reversed, do you think he would have done as much for you as you have for him?

Sit him down and have a honest conversation. Either he puts some effort into helping his condition by followung medical advice and doing the work, or it's over.

Are you married?
If not, start packing.
If you are, start looking at homes.

He has no interest in helping himself and is quite happy for your life to also be ruined.

He is very presumptuous expecting you to be his carer.
I would be telling him that, very clearly.

Antidepressants can be very sedating/numbing and remove all motivation to do anything except sit, eat and sleep - they may very well take the edge off the lows/anxiety, but can also completely erase any positive feelings.

DF died of a slow progress version of MND, and also had serious lung disease. He was exactly as you describe - took the tablets but little else. It was like watching the slowest car crash ever. We got all the equipment, made all the food that dieticians recommended etc, but he never did the exercises & would raid the fridge for junk at any opportunity. It was really frustrating.

Looking back I think we as healthy people can't really empathize with the level of fatigue that a lot of disabled people experience- look up the Spoon Theory Maybe your DH only feels like he can only muster the energy to work, and needs to rest too. Just before first lockdown hit, I was diagnosed with haemochromitosis- a blood condition. When it's uncontrolled, one of the symptoms is fatigue & joint pain. As I was treated I can't begin to describe how different I felt. I had so much more energy and felt so much more able for normal day to day life. Beforehand I would avoid trips to town or even had to ask my teenage son to come with me to do grocery shopping. I was only 49, not some decrepit old person! The thoughts of all the pulling and dragging of the supermarket was just awful. Now I do these things without a second thought. When I start feeling tired again it's a sure sign my blood ferritin is rising & I need to go to the doctor.

So what I'm saying is I've been on both sides of that equation (although my condition is thankfully not terribly serious & won't cause long term harm if it's controlled) I don't know if you were ever pregnant but do you remember the tiredness in early pregnancy? Just the feeling that your arms and legs were so heavy & small tasks are really energy sapping? The fatigue that comes from illness can feel like that.

All the best xx

He could try Noom - if he sticks with it, it is really good. You can hook it up to a pedometer and focus it on exercise not just diet, and it’s really helpful and inspirational, and helps you keep trying and trying again, not focus on failure. Sometimes you need someone other than the person you live with to help you motivate yourself.

Really appreciate you all taking the time to reply. I feel very supported. Thanks

@N0tfinished That was my first thought- that maybe he’s just too exhausted to do these things to help himself, especially as he’s working.

@Lucygogo I have a disability and several health conditions that I should be doing more to manage. I just can’t- going to work and doing the absolute basics at home are all I can manage most of the time. Sometimes I can’t even get up for work. So I don’t think you can put his lack of effort down to laziness or not caring about you. I know my lack of activity annoys my family but I just have so little energy. However unlike your husband I don’t have a progressive illness and wouldn’t need to be looked after.

It’s possible that he’s not just a bit depressed but severely depressed. That would put him into a spiral of doing nothing, getting more depressed and being less able to do anything. Would he be willing to ask his GP for more help?

Having said that you have your life to live, and if you decide to leave that’s entirely understandable. He’s not your responsibility.

No one has the obligation to do anything to better their health, it’s not immoral to be unhealthy. However, with the same sentiment you don’t have any obligation to care for him and it isn’t immoral for you to leave him because of his choices.