MIL and 2nd pregnancy

[Queenofthedamned1]

Name changed...just in case!!

Been with partner for 5 yrs, mortgage, 3 yrs old, dog...all that normal stuff!

MIL has said to me in the past, comments like partner not ready to re-marry, he needs to be settled etc. A bit odd given our circumstances. He does have periods where he suffers MH issues, drives me nuts etc.

She cares for our 3 Yr old one day a week so we can work, and occasional weekends/evenings. She has great relationship with current child.

Anyway, she has said before partner shouldn't have another child, as MH would deteriorate. I kind of understand this, but partner and I have spoken at length and been trying for number 2 since Jan. I have raised this comment countless times too, just in case there is some truth in it.

Now, number 2 is confirmed, BFP this weekend.

Question is...how/when to tell her when I know she won't be happy.

AIBU, not telling her until I have no choice?! (Like until baby is here!!Joking/not joking!!)

She's a bit invested in her adult child's life isn't she.

Why all the 'I's? She's not your mother. Leave your partner to have that conversation. She can fret over his mental health directly to him rather than at you.

Also think she's a bit too invested here, and her opinions holds a bit too much leverage for some reason.

I do however sometimes understand grandparents lack of enthusiasm around second/third children etc if they've got caring responsibilities for them. There's a big difference looking after two children than one, and it's a big ask.

But ultimately, it's your life, not hers. The fact she even has voiced an opinion on whether or not you have more children is very weird to me.

Don't tell her anything.
Congratulations! Hope you have a very happy pregnancy.

Thanks both.

She volunteered childcare for 1 day a week. It wasn't expected. And I wouldn't expect it for number 2 either.

I just wonder at what stage in life do you feel like you have an adult/adult relationship with parents rather than child/adult? Maybe it's our upbringing, where we felt the need to meet our parents wishes rather than our own?!

This reads like you and your MIL are coparenting your DH.

She is far too invested in his life and you are encouraging it by not shutting down the conversation:

Who cares what your MIL thinks. If she doesn’t want a second baby, she doesn’t need to have one. You and your DH on the other hand, can do whatever the fuck you like.

You don’t tell her
he can.

also don’t raise her doubts countless times. She doesn’t need to have that much space in your relationship.
it feels like you’re presenting things to her, for her approval or opinion. It’s not her business.
obviously that also means you can’t expect her to be your childcare no questions asked though…

This is done by your DP. There comes a point he has to extract himself and develop an adult relationship with mutual respect and boundaries. He’s failed to do that, like many men because it’s easier to let their mother carry on as she is.
that’s why there’s so many MIL issues imo.
she didn’t get the memo that she has to treat him as an adult, and respect him/his choices and by extension you and your choices. She’s still treating him like a teenager who needs her supervision. And he’s still encouraging that supervision.

You have an adult/adult relationship by making it adult/adult.

Often one party finds it harder than the other but somebody has to make the first move to change the dynamic. At the moment it sounds as if you relate to MIL either as if she is your mum, or a fellow parent of your DP.

While you can't help what your DP does, you can help what you do. Get DP to tell her about the pregancy, much much later on, don't ask her for childcare, get on with your own lives and wishes not your parents.

Agree that he should just tell her himself.

I'd be taking a huge step back from this woman, and I would not tolerate her intrusiveness. She is far too involved in your personal matters. Telling you not to have another baby? Fuck that. I would have ended that conversation immediately and told her to wind her neck in.

Maybe shes just worried about him?
Either way, that's between him and her.

Any problems he had in his last marriage are his to have hopefully dealt with.

But you say he sometimes struggles and drives you mad so maybe there's some truth in what she says. In real terms, he already has times where you find him very frustrating and you know the state of his mental health and have chosen to have another baby. He says he'll be fine. Only time will tell.

Congrats on the pregnancy!

I'd wait as long as possible - we did with our second past 20 week scan as MIL was so negative about first pg.

Apparently we were too young DH was 30 and I'm few years younger - they had DH at 20 and 21 - it seemed to be MIL was too young to be a GM.

She actually wasn't so bad - shocked I think - other family members were negative for different reasons no really to do with us.

it cut down on comments and did make it clear the descion was ours - however it does depend on what your DP thinks as well - m DH was on board with waiting to say anything.