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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to never speak to my mums side of the family again?

40 replies

cloverpie · 04/06/2022 15:14

This is going to be a long one.. But because i lost all my friends but one during the pandemic, i could really use some advice from outside the box.

My mother, and her mother, my nan, have always been off.
My mother did hard drugs when i was a baby and i was placed in the care of my nan, who ultimately abused me, shutting me in a room for 6 years, no friends, no tv, no nothing. She also groomed me from the age of about 4 to believe that my mother hated me and my grandfather [her ex] had raped me, and fed me little bits of normality like sweets and jewellery if i told her friends that he raped me. He hadn't. When i ran away at 15, back to my mum, who had settled and had a new family, i didn't know what the internet was, or condoms etc etc... I knew nothing a 15 year old in the 2000s should know, at all. My mum used this against me, and abused me too. She would starve me until i became so small i could fit into my little sisters clothes [she was 7] and call me a slut and a bad child, even though i had never slept with anyone and just stayed in the house all day, as i didn't have friends or a phone. She started going out on benders again when her boyfriend left her and i became a permanent live in baby sitter.
I ran away again in the same year, and went to live with a good friend i had made at a youth program at a community college. I ended up dating him, and his mum took me in and raised me for the rest of my childhood. The first time my boyfriend said 'do you want to see this meme' i was so confused because i didn't know what any of it was.

A few years later, we got our own home, had a baby and settled down. I had next to no contact with my nan, due to her own choice, and rarely saw my mother so she could see my son, who is now one and a half, current day.

I thought we had moved past all the things said and done in the past.. But unfortunately, my grandad, bless his soul, couldn't keep the secret anymore.

He said he felt terrible, but my mum would hold weekly meetings about me, because i was the 'Rogue Child'. She would proclaim that i was a Satanist, that they saw me do drugs, that i would abuse my sisters when around them, and that my son needed to be taken from me as i wasn't coping, and they even made arrangements to do so.

To clarify, i have never done drugs, i don't even drink, my partner has never done drugs either, and has the occasional cider... I am not religious in any way, and i am not demonically inclined. My sisters have no problem with me, i barely know them so its very cordial when we get together. And me and my fiancé are coping perfectly with our little one. Both of us have never felt happier than we do now.

I will make a short list of things relayed from my grandad of stuff that she called me and accused me of.
Toxic
Snake
Apostate
Drug User
Unfaithful to my partner
Slut
Teen mother [ i am in my twenties??]
That my house is dirty [ I have OCD towards cleaning, so that isn't possible]
I ruined the family
My partner beats me, because he is black
My son is dirty and uncared for
etc etc etc

After this, i just sent her a short and calm voice message explaining that i knew she was talking behind my back, and then i blocked her. She then messaged from different numbers demanding to know who told me, and that it wasn't true. I just blocked those too. Then she pretended to be my sister and accused my grandad of breaking up the family. Posing as a 12 year old is not sensible at all.

AIBU to block her without listening to her reasoning? She is the cause of my PTSD and Anxiety.

OP posts:
Dmacka75 · 04/06/2022 15:21

Block and try to move away from the whole lot of them

LaBellina · 04/06/2022 15:23

So sorry for what you have been trough.
Did you see a therapist? Because that must be an awful childhood to come to terms with on your own. You’re definitely not being unreasonable to never speak to them again, they sound very damaging to your mental health.

A580Hojas · 04/06/2022 15:33

I think you should get it off your chest by writing a book about it all OP. There's certainly enough material there.

Unbelievable that you've had any sort of contact with any of them since you ran away from home.

itsgettingweird · 04/06/2022 15:48

Block.

And move on in the way you've managed to do the last 2+ decades.

You KNOW you are the wrong one and you can do this. You've proved it to yourself and to them.

Now believe it in yourself and enjoy your partner and lovely son. Flowers

itsgettingweird · 04/06/2022 15:48

Aren't in the wrong.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 04/06/2022 15:53

You’re definitely NBU to cut those people out of your life entirely. It might sound alarmist, but if I heard people had made arrangements to take my child from me, I’d be going to the police for advice.

Luckingfovely · 04/06/2022 16:07

Please please please do cut them completely out of your life, immediately and very strongly.

You should be very, very proud of how far you have come on your own given your early years.

Focus on your partner and child and have the happiest possible life you can with them.

Maytodecember · 04/06/2022 16:13

I thought my family was toxic but your mother and Nan sound downright dangerous.
You cannot even try to have a sensible conversation with people like this, they are so damaging. No idea why, they just are.
Block on everything.
Change your number.
Do not engage with them. Just ignore, ignore, ignore.
Eventually they will lose interest.

Concentrate on your own happiness and your partner and child. Your dc doesn’t need a toxic granny, he’ll be fine with mum and dad who love him. Stay strong, stay resolute— no contact. 💐

ThreeRingCircus · 04/06/2022 16:19

Luckingfovely · 04/06/2022 16:07

Please please please do cut them completely out of your life, immediately and very strongly.

You should be very, very proud of how far you have come on your own given your early years.

Focus on your partner and child and have the happiest possible life you can with them.

Exactly this. Be proud of yourself for how far you have come. I feel proud of you and I'm a total stranger!

Cut them all out without another moment's thought. Live your life as best you can and just go and be happy.

hattie43 · 04/06/2022 17:11

Good god , I'm surprised you need to ask .
Block them move away and make sure they never ever have contact with your child .

Bonjovispjs · 04/06/2022 17:27

So sorry you went through all this, block them completely and your life will be so much better for it!

Needanotherholidayasap · 04/06/2022 17:34

Block them all. Sorry you have been let down by those who should have loved and protected you op. I hope you find comfort in giving your dc a better life.

maddy68 · 04/06/2022 17:39

Block them. Do not engage at all with them ever again

Iateallthechocolate · 04/06/2022 17:40

Goes without saying block them. Report to police as historic child abuse if you wish.
Just a thought, where was your grandad when your nan locked you up and your mum starved you? Be careful of him too.

Herejustforthisone · 04/06/2022 18:25

Block her. Block all of them. My god, you poor thing.

Fernticket · 04/06/2022 19:11

Don't just block them. Get legal advice and get their attempts to take you DS away recorded in case they try it again.

cloverpie · 04/06/2022 20:14

I am actually in the process of it! My fiancé suggested it a while back x

OP posts:
cloverpie · 04/06/2022 20:16

He was given a court order to stay away from my nan, as she made all sorts of false accusations against him. If he had reached out, he would have gotten in legal trouble 😕

OP posts:
cloverpie · 04/06/2022 20:18

I tried therapy for over a decade, and usually , once i had finished with my story, the therapist would sit there blankly and not know where to start. NHS mental health care hasnt been too good, and i cant afford private. But im always willing to try again and again, just incase someone knows how to help. But i have done well working through it on my own so far xx

OP posts:
cloverpie · 04/06/2022 20:18

i have a habit of giving bad people too many chances 😓

OP posts:
cloverpie · 04/06/2022 20:20

My partner says that for a while i had a form of Stockholm Syndrome. I was convinced it wasnt their fault and they needed me to help them in some way. I dont think that way anymore, thank the lord x

OP posts:
cloverpie · 04/06/2022 20:20

Thank you. You are very kind xx

OP posts:
cloverpie · 04/06/2022 20:21

That is so sweet.. Thankyou! I will try my best xx

OP posts:
Noelsjumper · 04/06/2022 20:23

Block /distance yourself from all of them. Ask yourself why your grandad is telling you this now? Not saying it's untrue, just that he may have another motive for telling you. It doesn't sound like any of them have your best interests at heart and not the type of people you should want your DC around.

Moodycow78 · 04/06/2022 20:29

You need to get you and your son very far from your mum and nan and never have anything to do with them again, I'm so sorry x