To not want my mum to pinch my ds when he does it first

[LEMONADEGIRL]

Let me start by saying my mum is lovely but she and I have quite different ideas of childcare.

From the start it was about weaning then it was about sleeping etc.

Ds is a lovely lively little boy but has started to pinch really hard. My mum is due to be looking after him when she retires for two morinings a week to help save on childcare for us.

However today after telling her about the piching she stated emphatically, " well if he starts pichimg me,I will pinch him back." Ds is nearly 15mths.

I was really annoyed, perhaps she is joking but then she always jokes like this. She has said she did to my brother when he was younger and he stopped afer she did it a couple of times.

Of course saving us money will be great but just feel thst are different parenting ideas will lead to argument so aibu??

has she actually pinched him?

FWIW, if my MIL did this to my DS or even threatened it i would not be happy

I honestly think that family and childcare should be kept as seperately as possible

i have seen a lot of threads on MN about conflicting interests on just this sort of issue

My mil pulled my DSs hair when he did it to his brother. I hit the roof. I think you need to sit down with your mum and outline how you wish to discipline your child. I think at 15 months they do start to test you and I think you need to be sure that your mum is helping not hindering your process. Maybe buy her the toddler tamer or even the grandparents handbook - which tells her in a independent but tactful way to be sure to follow your rules. YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.

I don't think a child of that age will understand anything from being pinched back apart from the fact that someone has hurt him. They can't put themselves in someone else's shoes at that age and I think it would be absolutely horrible and totally uncalled for to do it. I think Penelope Leach has a good bit on this in her book (well worth a read if you can get it from the library, it's called something like 'Your Baby and Child'). If you're interested, I can find the book and summarise what she says. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. And I'd tell your mum very definitely that you don't want her to do this.

YANBU when I read the title and started reading the op I was imagining a 4 year old or so and was think my goodness now way would anyone get away with that but a 15 month old is even worse, at that age they are testing but they have no idea it hurts or that it is not a socially acceptable thing to do.

I do know someone who parents like this and it is awful to see. I think it is the sort of thing a previous generation have done and it sooo doesn't help.

well. my mum currently looks after ds 3 mornings a week, has done for 3 months now. ds is 8 months old. It is hard sometimes, she drives me crazy doing it her way when I've asked her to do it another. It can be frustrating.

BUT. I still count my blessings that she is able to do this for us and just have to remind myself that she did a fine job with me and my sisters and that while her way of doing things is different, it's not necessarily worse for it.

There have been one or two things, and your views vs hers on pinching for me would fall into this category, where I've actually been pretty firm. I can't think of an example now but something that I really feel I can't accept being done another way. Like giving him leftover milk from an earlier bottle, for example. She didn't know you shouldn't and did it several times before I really very clearly and firmly told her not to.

I've wondered about this if my parents ever smack ds because they smacked us. I doubt they would but if they did, and refused to accept my anti-smacking stance re, my own son, I would not leave him with them.

So I guess you'll have to decide the severity and seriousness of things as they come up. I'm sure it will be fine really, he'll be with his gran, lucky boy!

YANBU at all, but if you let family look after your DC, it wont be like paid carers, who can reasonably be expected to do what you ask them. In my experience, family feel they can and should bring their values to looking after your child. My mother tells me this is why she is a better carer for my DC than a CM or nanny, as she is being a relative to the child, not a paid carer following instructions. Family may advantages, but it does take away your control.

She has not pinched him yet, she is just telling me what she will do if he does. She did it with my brother.

I know thst her helping us will help cut down childcare cost and she loves ds and us for offering.

However, I do not agree with her ideas on most areas of childcare and we often have these jokey conversations, where Iam trying to explain how I do things.

Wit regards to books good idea but she is not keen on guru books and finds then slightly insulting as she managed tor raise to children without them.

This is true but am fed up having to explain my pov all the time.

I understand what people are saying but I think you are entitled to ask her to do it the way you want things to be done. The child is still your own child. Just because she is a relative who cares for your child does not entitle her to decide on parenting issues. You are still the parent. If this becomes an issue - do you have any other cc options?

can you give examples of other things you differ on??

things like not weaning at three mths, not adding sugar to water, not letting him scream to sleep. Ideas from the 60/70 perhaps that I do not want to do with my ds.

ooh ok. quite big things then. this is hard because in my case my parents have been on the whole respectful and very aware that he is our child and that we want to do things our own way.

tbh I would say you should sit down and have a proper chat about it all, all joking aside, let her know you are serious and you want to make sure you are on the same page about certain things. And if not, you might need to use childcare after all.

i think you are going to have to muster all your powers of diplomacy

she is providing free childcare so you dont want to fall out

if she says something like that again you need to be pleasant and humourous and say 'i think you best tell me if he does anything naughty so we can work it out together'

if you start telling her off for her ideas then things will get stressful - it sounds like her heart is in the right place so give her the benefit of the doubt - if you dont like it - pay a professional

I would add that my parents have really surprised me in that I knew mum would be great with him but she did always talk about letting babies ´cry it out´ making out like she´s all hard but in reality she´s a total softie for him and never lets him cry. So maybe what she says isn´t a true reflection of what she´ll actually do? And she might be willing to follow your rules if she thinks that not doing so will mean she doesn´t get to look after him?

MIL and my mum both are advocates of crying it out, and have both had to look after DD1 overnight when I was in hospital with DD2. Each time i said to them
'I know you think I am being overly precious about this but please, please don't leave DD to cry, she isn't used to it so if you coudl do what I do it will make everything a lot easier'

They both accepted this and did things my way, even telling me how they did it etc.
Could you try an approach like this? I have found if I say 'don't do that' with no other explanation then they get very defensive and start in on the 'it never did you/DH any harm' which is no help to anyone!

you're right maveta, she probably would never do it, she loves us both, I realise that all my parenting choices challenge hers a conflict of eras, imo.

Newgirl - do already pay a proff, ds in nursery, she has offered we did not ask.

I think that´s true, that us doing things differently can sometimes seem to them like a direct challenge to the way they did it. But mostly they were just following the advice of their day, when I am explaining things like weaning, I´m very heavy on the ´current advice is´ or ´nowadays they say you should´ so they realise I´m still doing what they did and that it´s the advice that has changed.

I´m sure it will all work out great, maybe a few hitches here and there but overall who wouldn´t prefer their baby to be with someone who loves them rather than in nursery if they were lucky enough to have the choice?

At 15 months hes not doing it to be unpleasant hes doing it to investigate we encourage touch and sensory skills and skin is very nice to touch,im hoping that a new environment will detract from the pinching and definitely that his nanna wont pinch back-maybe sensory stuff that he can touch/ like supervised messy play/touchy books etc might help this face pass quicker-from studying penelope leach some years ago i think she will say its all part of development and when he does it you show extreme upset a big ouch and a big rub better so he understands it hurts .....good luck