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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husbands drinking

21 replies

Woopeeeee763 · 03/06/2022 22:21

My husband works out of the country a lot and when he comes home he enjoys a drink, like a lot of people do, however he can’t only have 1 or 2.

He’s not even been home 10 days and on 3 occasions he has been absolutely wasted and hungover the following day which consists of him moaning he’s tired and feeling rubbish and going to bed around 7pm leaving me with the kids.

I look forward to him coming home so I can get some help with our young children but I find myself still having to rush to do the school run before my work because he’s hungover or take the kids to their clubs on my own at the weekend because he’s hungover and I’m fed up.

I’m not a big drinker so I don’t know if this is why I’m getting so irritated by it all.

AIBU or should I let him do whatever he wants on his time off?

OP posts:

Badger1970 · 03/06/2022 22:24

If his drinking is impacting your family life, then it's a problem.

Time for an honest chat with no blame or judgement, and maybe a gentle nudge towards some help. And if nothing changes, then it's time to consider the impact that this is having on your DC as well as you.

I'd be very worried about what he's drinking when he's not home too.

Fairislefandango · 03/06/2022 22:26

YANBU. This doesn't sound like a great relationship. What's he like aside from the drinking? Do you only look forward to him coming home in order to get some help? It sounds as if he's not really acting like much of a parent or much of a husband. What is the actual point of him?

CaptSkippy · 03/06/2022 22:28

Being completely wasted three times within 10 days is excessive. Does he have an addiction?

Original poster

Woopeeeee763 · 03/06/2022 22:36

We’ve discussed it before many times and it’s always, “yes I know I’m going to cut back” but it doesn’t happen.

Because of his job he doesn’t get to drink alot at work so he tries to justify his drinking at home due to the lack of drinking at work.

I look forward to him coming home and we get on great but every time he says “oh I think I’ll have a couple” it just frustrates me because I know it’s not a couple like he always says it will be, it’s a full blown whole bottle of vodka binge.

After his last night of drinking I told him very seriously that I think he has a problem and he just changed the subject

OP posts:

RandomMess · 03/06/2022 22:37

He's a functioning alcoholic, one that binge drinks.

Motnight · 03/06/2022 22:54

He doesn't get to drink a lot at work? That's his excuse?!

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2022 22:56

Take the blinders off and admit that your husband is an alcoholic. There is nothing normal or healthy about what he's doing, and you would be crazy to tolerate it.

Your poor kids are seeing this and are being raised to think this is normal and acceptable. You have the responsibility to protect them from this.

IDreamOfTheMoors · 03/06/2022 23:03

Oh, @Woopeeeee763, I’m very sorry.

My entire childhood consisted of my dad getting up before we were awake and leaving for work, and then arriving at home at 6pm and fixing a cocktail the minute he walked in the door. Then he’d shower and watch tv until he went to bed, but the cocktails were continuous in between getting home and going to bed. 8? 10? More? It never occurred to me to count.
It was on repeat every single day from as far back as I can remember until he turned 65, when he stopped drinking and smoking.
I never saw him act drunk, I never saw him hungover.
My mum raised us, did the cooking and the cleaning and washing and shopping and all the errands and everything else that had to do with running a family and a household. She also held down a full-time job as an educator.
I guess you’ve got a choice: do you want to take the chance and wait until your husband is 65? Do you want to lay down the law now and draw a line in the sand — and follow through with whatever consequences you give him?
Or are you willing to be another version of my mum?

Maytodecember · 03/06/2022 23:24

Have a look at this www.drinkaware.co.uk/tools/self-assessment
and answer the questions as if you were your husband.
You could just show it to your husband and his reaction will tell you a lot —- alcoholics do not like to participate in anything that might reveal their alcoholism. My exh had all the signs of having a heart attack yet wouldn’t let me call an ambulance because he’d get questioned on how much he’d had to drink —- yes they’ll take it to that level.
You can get support from AlAnon, who support the families of alcoholics.
Your GP might also have support s/he can offer.
Most large towns and cities have a Drugs and Alcohol Advisory Service who can help you as well as your husband.
Your husband can call AA for help.

Good luck, it’s not an easy thing to deal with. My exh almost destroyed me, lied to me, lied about me, nearly bankrupted me, verbally abused me…, the list is endless. I think your DH has opportunity to claw this back, there’s lots of help but he has to take it. I hope he does.

Original poster

Woopeeeee763 · 04/06/2022 07:03

Yes his excuse for drinking it home is because he doesn’t get to do it at work and it’s also relaxing apparently.

thanks @Maytodecember for sending that link. I’ve completed it on his behalf with shows his drinking level is high risk, which I knew deep down was

i know this is something I need to sort out with him for the sake of myself and our children but I struggle with the word alcoholic because all I’ve ever been told even when I was little is that an alcoholic is someone who drinks every night. Yes I do accept he has a problem with alcohol but is he really an alcoholic if it’s not happening daily?

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 04/06/2022 07:05

He won’t do anything about it because doesn’t want to. But he’ll keep telling you he will. And it will continue.

RandomMess · 04/06/2022 07:58

If someone is dependent on s as alcohol to unwind or can't stop after a couple then they have an issue with alcohol and that is being an alcoholic. There are very many who hold down jobs and are functional but their primary relationship is with alcohol. That is why he won't cut back or stop because drinking matters more to him than his relationship with you.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 04/06/2022 08:01

If your children live with an alcoholic they are much more likely to also become an alcoholic.

Wolfiefan · 04/06/2022 08:04

Alcoholics don’t have to drink every day.
There are other ways to relax. That’s just an excuse. Alcoholics are really good at justifying their relationship with booze. It’s relaxing. It’s because I can’t drink when working. Etc etc.
He won’t change his behaviour. The only option is for you to decide if you can live like this. Al Anon can support families. Good luck OP.

Ragruggers · 04/06/2022 08:13

I understand you want to think he just enjoys a drink but he has serious problemHe needs to want to stop and seek help.Sadly this will continue until he does.Think very carefully about your future.Sorry

Original poster

Woopeeeee763 · 04/06/2022 09:16

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 04/06/2022 08:01

If your children live with an alcoholic they are much more likely to also become an alcoholic.

This has scared me, I didn’t even think about that.

OP posts:

resuwen · 04/06/2022 09:41

The medical community no longer use the word 'alcoholic', it isn't helpful as a lot of people with problems with alcohol don't fit the stereotypical person needing to crack open the booze first thing in the morning to get out of bed. The term now is 'alcohol use disorder', and yes, your DH does have disordered drinking. There's a vast amount of help on the net, but it won't help until he's ready to make the change himself.

Original poster

Woopeeeee763 · 04/06/2022 11:41

I have just sat down and spoke with him and told him it’s not right what he’s doing and that I think he has a problem.

He replied “well maybe I do” and then sulked and walked off.

OP posts:

resuwen · 04/06/2022 12:48

Sulking aside, this is good, it means he already knows.

HealthProbs · 04/06/2022 15:10

Change the word alcoholic to 'problematic drinker' and it will still fit your situation but may be easier for you to accept.

Cherrysoup · 04/06/2022 15:28

Utimately, he won’t like you challenging him, I did it frequently with my ‘d’m, it resulted in sulks, accusations, frosty silences. Luckily, I was able to go.

With your Dh, it’s hard because you’re probably hoping he’ll do some parenting and give you a break, or you’ll get to go out and do normal couple things. I think coming at it from those angles might be useful. His drinking will impact your dc, they, like me, will grow up too embarrassed to bring their friends round because dad is pissed again and will potentially cause them to want to move far, far away (like me and my db did, as soon as we could). How boring this is for you and the dc. He’s home, it not in spirit (forgive the unintentional pun)

I think, in your position, I would be challenging him every time it happens. I don’t think it’s sustainable and why should you put up with this shit? Does he work on a rig or something that he can’t drink? Or in the Emirates? Regardless, he’s ignoring you and your dc when he’s drinking/hungover. Terrible lack of partnership/parenting.

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