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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend offering to babysit then made plans without telling me

21 replies

IncessantNameChanger · 03/06/2022 20:20

So I'm going to my sisters birthday party and my kids aren't invited. I told my friend that I had to drive to the party and back the same day and its 400 miles. My friend offered to babysit I didnt ask her. Said her dd would be at her dad's and she had the house free. Very kind offer indeed.

When I checked this week to see if it was still ok, my friend has made multiple plans and I didnt cross her mind to tell me she couldnt do it. For some reason her dd isnt at her dads ok that's understandable but shes also got her adult child staying and another friend for the entire weekend.

I get that plans change but it's that there has been all these new plans to her weekend and at no point did it cross her mind to tell me that hurts. Why offer then make plans to be unavailable? It really come across badly.

Why couldn't she tell me? Why wait for me to check? I meet her at least once a week for coffee so plenty of chances.

OP posts:

sleepymum50 · 03/06/2022 22:13

I find people like this really so very very annoying.

I really don’t get this sort of behaviour. Mostly they just don’t think.

My husband is like this. He thinks saying he forgot is a get out clause.

DinoWoman · 03/06/2022 23:36

Did you actually take her up on the offer? Or were you just hoping it was an open offer right up until the last minute?

Your friend might have thought you were politely declining if you didn't officially say 'yes' to the offer when it was made and moved on/made plans. Just a thought.

Meraas · 04/06/2022 00:30

YANBU. I wouldn’t be asking her again and I wouldn’t be so helpful if she needs help.

Original poster

IncessantNameChanger · 04/06/2022 00:56

DinoWoman · 03/06/2022 23:36

Did you actually take her up on the offer? Or were you just hoping it was an open offer right up until the last minute?

Your friend might have thought you were politely declining if you didn't officially say 'yes' to the offer when it was made and moved on/made plans. Just a thought.

I took her up on the offer. She told me where they would sleep and what they was going to do and eat.

I just feel like she no intentions of ever doing it or made all these plans to have a very full house to get out of it or maybe had the intention but completely put it out of her head.

Whatever the reason she hasnt asked me if I can still go now. I wasnt expecting her to offer and that would have been fine. But to make plans around her offer is annoying. I didnt tell the kids thank God.

OP posts:

PerkingFaintly · 04/06/2022 01:35

The people I know like this get a buzz out of being the heroine who saves the day or offers good deeds.

They don't see actually delivering as important, and certainly won't if it involves them putting themselves out in any way.

This sort of person also gets terribly upset if you decline their offer, however politely. You must pretend to accept and shower them with gratitude... then go quietly away and manage without them.

Original poster

IncessantNameChanger · 04/06/2022 10:12

Its soured my opinion of her when if she had not offered I'd be no worse off. That's what I dont get. If she hadn't offered I'd be ìn the same position but now I have no babysitter AND this has pissed me off.

I do help her out and it's that feeling she wouldnt do the same for me. By offering help and not telling me she had changed plans I'm actually in a worse place as it's too late to make alternate plans.

OP posts:

Palmtreechacha · 04/06/2022 10:15

PerkingFaintly · 04/06/2022 01:35

The people I know like this get a buzz out of being the heroine who saves the day or offers good deeds.

They don't see actually delivering as important, and certainly won't if it involves them putting themselves out in any way.

This sort of person also gets terribly upset if you decline their offer, however politely. You must pretend to accept and shower them with gratitude... then go quietly away and manage without them.

This is spot on for the people I know like this!!! Their glory is in the offering but they never follow through with action. It’s bizarre, like just offering gets them enough validation and they don’t even give a seconds thought to how let down the other person will be when their faux help never materialises!

orwellwasright · 04/06/2022 10:16

Urgh. Flakey people like this do my nut in.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/06/2022 10:19

How did you react when she told you? Did she look embarrassed??

Original poster

IncessantNameChanger · 04/06/2022 11:40

Shinyandnew1 · 04/06/2022 10:19

How did you react when she told you? Did she look embarrassed??

Not at all. I dont think she put up much of an apology. She just said she now had both her kids and her bf staying so it was a very full house so she couldn't do it anymore. Thinking about it I smell some bs now as her eldest never stays in her house ( no bedroom for them).

She has done something similar before. Came into money and told me repeatedly over a year we should go to a spa, then went with her dd and never went with me as if she had never mentioned it. After me saying how much I was looking forward to it repeatedly for months. It was like those conversations never happened. But this is worse as it's the kids and has prevented me from real life plans.

I think she is flakey but this is worse than flakey. It feels more or a nasty undertone. Why not just say no and let me make other plans? She never had intentions by the looks of it. Telling me she was going to take them to the park cock them their favourite food. What a mug I have been.

OP posts:

user1471538283 · 05/06/2022 09:30

When my DF was very sick a friend said she could have my DS all week. I didn't expect all week obviously. But i was so relieved. It eventually turned into one afternoon. But in her head I'm sure she thought she was being so generous.

It's the offering they think is real.

Have nothing to do with this friend.

InFiveMins · 05/06/2022 09:34

I hate flakey people like this. You need to ditch her OP. She's not a friend.

Original poster

IncessantNameChanger · 05/06/2022 14:02

I hadn't thought about her liking the adoration for offering with no intention of seeing it through.

Next time she offers any help I'm going to say no your alright thanks. No point accepting if shes getting a warm fuzzy glow out of her empty offers.

I do think I need to re evaluate why I trusted her so much in the first place. So much for people saying 'if you need anything just ask' it's just lip service

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 05/06/2022 20:54

My DM is a bit like this. A perfect example is that we went to a funeral: she was saying to a man who was close to the deceased, 'Bob, if you ever need anything, you know where we are. Seriously. Just pop round whenever you need to'. The thing is, if Bob had ever turned up on her doorstep, she would've been furious. It was all for show. I have a friend like that as well. Anyone in crisis, she will be there for them … But not really. But she will tell everybody else that she was there for them. That seems to be more important to her. She would often regale me with stories about how grateful X was for her kind words/offer of help. But unfortunately, that's all they were: words.

PerkingFaintly · 05/06/2022 21:03

Next time she offers any help I'm going to say no your alright thanks.

Be prepared for her to get politely pushy, then nasty.

Maybe she won't... but don't be caught unawares if she is. I've had some real humdingers of low blows when I've turned down "helpy" people like this.

Because they get all their validation from the big show of offering, someone turning them down threatens their business model.

Dacquoise · 05/06/2022 22:42

It does seem as if your friend is getting positive attention from you for making promises she doesn't feel obliged to keep. Looks like she lived off your excitement about the spa day. The lack of remorse for letting you down also indicates a no empathy. All very disordered narcisstic thinking.

I would be giving this one a very wide berth after this episode. It's beyond flakey and very hurtful.

Meraas · 06/06/2022 11:14

IncessantNameChanger · 05/06/2022 14:02

I hadn't thought about her liking the adoration for offering with no intention of seeing it through.

Next time she offers any help I'm going to say no your alright thanks. No point accepting if shes getting a warm fuzzy glow out of her empty offers.

I do think I need to re evaluate why I trusted her so much in the first place. So much for people saying 'if you need anything just ask' it's just lip service

Don't just 'alright thanks', tell her 'is this another thing you promise that comes to nought? let's just leave it.'

Original poster

IncessantNameChanger · 06/06/2022 11:16

I wish I could think of something more blunt to say the next time she suggests something like 'no thanks I know how busy you are with other commitments and I like to make solid plans' or the next time she offers we go away say 'well if you look into dates and hotels let me know'.

But i think 'no thanks' might cover it better.

I have known her for around 16 years. She has always been flakey but this I think is the nail in the coffin. I think she has been sern as someone to have odd coffee or lunch with and no more than that. I do need to work on making more friends. That's why it hurts. I saw her as a good friend. But it's all rather superficial.

If she had told me as soon as she had made her new plans but nope I wasn't even worth that. I was getting organised thinking I had childcare covered whilst she was maxing out her plans to get out of it. Good job I didnt double check the day before

OP posts:

Goldenbear · 06/06/2022 11:45

I know someone like this, they offered my DD a sleepover and DD excited, then withdrew the offer at 10pm stating that she thought it was never really set in concrete but mostly her dc were playing up and I think my DD being g sent home was a punishment, DH went to collect her and made the point that it was a good job we hadn't gone out. She will often say how useless she is if plans she makes never happen. It has become an on joke now and people don't take her offers seriously.

Original poster

IncessantNameChanger · 06/06/2022 12:54

@Goldenbear wow who does that to a kid so late at night?

My son has ASD so likes routine and needs to know what's happening which is exactly why I didnt tell him. In fact that a good way to refuse any involvement with the kids

OP posts:

roses2 · 06/06/2022 12:59

I have a friend like this although she's just disorganised and tries to please everyone then ends up letting someone down (repeatedly). It's not a bad intention on her part, just the inability to make a decision and stick to it.

Depending on what you think your friend is doing (eg the making herself feel/look good with no intention or just disorganised) I would respond accordingly. If she is disingenuous then call her out.

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