Feel like I’ve completely lost my mojo after second baby, is this feeling normal?

[Llamasally]

Since having my second child a year ago I feel like I’ve just really lost ‘it’ - whatever it is - both with work/career, exercise, being organised, finances, diet…I just have no motivation, head is all over the place and I seem to do a half job of everything. I’ve been really close to a few monumental failures lately that would cost us financially/hurt credit rating etc.

the reason this has come up is I’ve (somehow) landed a brilliant new job in a new company to start in a few months, senior role and will be a ‘big’ high pressure position. This is what I’ve thrived on all my working life. But I’ve been back from maternity leave for a few months now and have noticed I’m really struggling to focus at work, not doing a good job at all to the point where I’ve definitely been demoted off some projects - that’s not what’s been said officially but I am certain this is the case. Relatives and friends have stopped asking me to do things as I’m unreliable, I get domestic admin wrong all the time with e.g nursery, haircuts and end up missing things, being late, turning up on the wrong day. This is all extremely out of character, I was Uber organised and the one everyone relied upon to deliver.

I’m genuinely scared I’m going to completely f-up this new job, I’m having nightmares about it and am feeling more and more like I don’t want to get to ever start because I’m so sure I won’t be able to do it. I just want to get back in control again.

I did have PND until about 6-9 months in, had therapy and am on ADs and feel ok in the sense that I’m not really struggling with depression anymore.

Sorry for the long post- has anyone else felt like this and managed to turn things around?

Hopeful bump!

Omg I could have written this. Have been back at work for 7 months and they have been the Hardest of my life (like you, senior job, lots of responsibility)

since my second was born, admin has been out of the window, I can’t stick to a diet or exercise plan, can barely keep on top of doing my hair etc.

I am so so so tired all the time. 2 kids is hard work. I actually tried to leave my job for an easier less well paid one , and didn’t get the job (ffs). The whole interview admin /stuff was so stressful I decided just to stay where I was and seek reassurances from my boss that I wasn’t messing everything up (she said I was doing fine- maybe ur the same?)

I also got more hours from my cleaner (house gets trashed in between times, but it’s clean once a week for a couple of hours)

I told my husband I wasn’t coping well and he does more now to help.

I’ve let some admin stuff go, and just try not to worry ti much (sometimes works, often doesn’t)

I cook the same meals over and over again as I have come to an accord with myself that a lot of lifestyle stuff is optional, all you really need to do is be fed etc

most of all, I have just been telling myself the following things (possibly wrongheaded - but genuinely)

im just gonna lean into the stress otherwise I’ll have a nervous breakdown
this will be over soon
when I am old and my kids have left home I will miss this
I am really lucky to have a family and good job etc

not sure if any of it’s working. Not sure if I have any helpful advice lol

but I’m sending you understanding and best wishes x

Thanks @Pipsickl and I’m sorry you’re feeling like this too. I obviously can’t help!

I have also upped cleaner hours, doesn’t seem to have made a jot of difference. I actually sometimes wonder if more help makes the guilt worse as then I can’t even legitimately blame too many cleaning chores!

I think going from 1 child to 2 is a massive adjustment. You just can’t function at the same level. I still feel quite out of control and dc2 is 3. It made me realise I could never have 3 despite always wanting that! And I don’t even have a career/high stress job. It sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be organised and efficient.

@Pipsickl also sending 💐

Somewhere down deep inside, do you think that maybe you don’t really want to do the big job? Maybe you might be sabotaging yourself?

Or, could it be a hormonal or dietary imbalance, Vitamin B, or Iron or something?

@ShadowoftheFall maybe, but I really can’t pass it up. It’s everything I’ve wanted for a very long time! And I don’t know if being back in a bigger job will help me get my mojo back as I’ve been doing piddly stuff I’m not really bothered about since returning from mat leave. I wasn’t allowed to return to my old job on a thinly veiled excuse around flexible working, really because a new head of department isn’t that keen on my areas of focus. I was really mad about this at first, got advice from an employment lawyer etc then seemed to just adopt a F-it approach. This new job is more in line with what was originally doing - and doing well at - before I went on leave.

I guess I feel it’s better to find out the answer by trying out the new job, rather than backing out and never knowing.

Oh and I take so many vitamins I rattle when I walk, having thought the same thing, so I don’t think it can be that.

hormones very much not properly settled down since second DC but not sure there’s a lot I can do about that, GP seems to think all is fine and had bloods etc come back ok

I found this too, I was just really stressed and tired and my head was all over the place. It probably took until my second was a year and a half to calm down enough that I had the headspace to thrive at work again. Funnily enough, like you, work said I was doing well but it just felt like I had too many plates spinning.

I felt like this. In fact the stress and tiredness caused a health condition to get worse and I ended up with a few months off work, I think my body and mind just couldn't cope.

Things I think helped -

Lockdown. We were too busy before and are heading there again to be honest but it did bring home how we actually need to schedule in weekends where we do nothing other than potter around the house

Sleep training if you've not done this

Stopping breastfeeding

My husband picked up more. To be fair to him he now does more than me. He gets up with them most mornings. But then I'll take them out to give him a bit of space later. I feel bad that I dont see them as much but the time I spend with them I'm less tired

I've become mega organised with cooking, meal planning and batch cooking a few meals for the week at the weekend. It just takes a bit of the stress and busyness out of the week

I have to write everything down and set alarms for everything. Everything. Otherwise I leave the oven on. Or the hob. And forget appointments etc. My brain is full. I make copious notes at work and it slows me down but I know otherwise I will completely forget what I'm doing so it helps in the long run

Time. When my youngest got to 2, they started to play together and by 3 they were able to spend quite a long time without any intervention from me. I have play dates when I can as well from when they were about 3 as they just get on with it and I can get a bit of mental switching off.

Do whatever you can to take some time to yourself. Even if it's just sitting on your phone on the sofa. Or going a walk to the shop without the kids for some mindless browsing of junk. I find at those times, something major that I've forgotten pops back into my head before it's too late.

Cut back on housework. Right back. Worry about it when things are a bit easier.

I think when the youngest is 3-4 and you're properly out of the toddler stage it's very different. It's just a case of hanging on till then

Please can I just pop myself in here to come back later?

I've been feeling the same and it's all came to a head today. I've just no idea who I am anymore.

That’s so helpful @DrinkFeckArseBrick thank you, some good practical tips. And good you’ve come out of the other side. That feels a very long way off right now 🙈

Both DC sleep well tbh, but there is always a cold/illness or something to contend with, 1 year old currently desperately trying to walk and frustrated so sleep not too great plus slowly dropping morning nap and grumpy 🤪

@tryingtofindmyself I really can identify with that feeling. Hope you’re able to come back and are ok 💐

Interested in how you got this bug super promotion when your making an arse at work

Research L Tyrosine - I've found it really helps with focus, mood etc

Ahhh just seen it's at a new company.

I felt like this after my second, and then got the big job (at the same place) six months after I returned from maternity leave.

I had to majorly step up organisation and logistics skills and it was crazy for a while but then it settled. And then I had a third baby :)

for what it’s worth, I did the big job for four years, but I’ve recently had a career change to something which leaves me with more brain space and I am happier for it (even though I don’t like the job). I don’t regret taking the big job but I don’t regret leaving either.