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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Winding myself up about lack of invites

26 replies

PlattyJoob · 03/06/2022 18:03

Feeling more and more pissed off as the days go on listening to people's BBQs and music.

Love the collective festivities, but jealous!

I tried to arrange a street party but the street is a road with other roads shooting off which are cliquey and so smaller groups of neighbours are doing there own thing. I've arranged my own gathering which I was looking forward to but now getting more and more annoyed that we haven't been invited anywhere or to join anyone with their activities.

I'm upset, we supposedly have lots of friends, so where are they all? Why is the only event we will be part of this weekend one I am arranging? If I hadn't arranged this we'd have still probably ended up hosting a small family bbq with no other event to attend.

It's always us. We're always the hosts bar one other family we are friends with who will do stuff they invite us to.

I wish I had a strong circle of friends that I can rely on for this sort of thing, that at least take it in turns. I feel like people are only truly friends until they have a partner and then they make their world smaller and its all about their new partner and there partners extended family. I don't even feel like I have a proper best friend these days, you know an easy friend who you are super comfortable with and don't need to entertain each other but enjoy each others company.

Needed a rant. I'm in a right funk today. Thanks!

OP posts:
DenholmElliot1 · 03/06/2022 18:51

I'm upset, we supposedly have lots of friends, so where are they all? Why is the only event we will be part of this weekend one I am arranging?

Aren't the friends coming to the event this weekend that you are arranging? What do you mean "where are they all"?

Sswhinesthebest · 03/06/2022 18:55

People are lazy. If they know you’ll arrange things and invite them, then why should they bother doing any work.

At least they’ve accepted.

EileenGC · 03/06/2022 18:56

Define friends. I have people I enjoy spending lots of time with, talk to regularly, would invite over for a BBQ (friends). Then there are people I will occasionally chat to, neighbours, work colleague type of person that I can have a conversation with but I would not call friends. These are acquaintances.

I have no interest in spending hours and hours with acquaintances, not regularly anyway. I'd rather have the same old three close friends in my garden with whom I can have a meaningful conversation, than attend a street party with lots of people I don't care that much about, just so I can post pictures on Facebook.

lickenchugget · 03/06/2022 18:57

I’m not going to any jubilee parties and neither is anyone I know. Most people are just having a usual family bank holiday bbq/gathering this weekend.

downtonupton · 03/06/2022 18:59

Some people wont or don't host for all sorts of reasons.

I'm a hoster and luckily one other person in our group is too but it is just us.

There is a book group we're in that we're all supposed to host. Most of the group only host their turn and never host anything else. One or two never host at home and always arrange their turn at a pub or restaurant - a couple of us host BBQs, games nights, book club, christmas/NYE/Eurovision/bonfire/haloween/birthday parties etc.... we enjoy it

I like having people round, people like to come - I am happy with that. Some people are uncomfortable with people in their homes. Some people are embarrassed about their homes. Some people have family members who dont want people in their homes. Some people can't afford it, get anxiety hosting etc. It should be fun, not a pressure

You are unreasonable to expect people be the same as you.

Pipersouth · 03/06/2022 18:59

Be glad you have people that you can invite - not sure I could rustle up enough people to make a party!

PelicansPandasandPuppiesOhmy · 03/06/2022 20:02

It's always us. We're always the hosts bar one other family we are friends with who will do stuff they invite us to.

I'm guessing you enjoy hosting and are good at it, I think the majority of people don't/aren't and don't want to deal with the expense, time and mess that even a small party creates. My DH and I were always the ones hosting parties, we stopped in the end, people were happy to come to us but not to return the favour.

ZaraSizeMedium · 03/06/2022 20:16

DH and I decided last year to take a break from hosting everything - birthdays, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, bank holiday bbq’s, etc, when we realised it was costing us a fortune and no other bugger ever took a turn and it had come to be assumed and expected that we’d do it all.

And family/friends even stopped bringing a contributory bottle of wine or pack of burgers for the bbq, but we’d get texts asking what’s the plan for <insert event here>. My breezy “we don’t have any plans, happy to come to you if you’re doing something” elicited nothing but silence

I get that some people don’t like hosting but there was never even a once a year “let’s go out for dinner - it’s on us” in return. And no, these are not people with financial issues who can’t afford it, before anyone says it.

We now listen to family members moaning that nobody has seen each other for ages and I’m starting to have a short fuse even listening to their whining. I can’t be arsed with any of them atm. I’m happy enough with just me, DH and DS.

Livelovebehappy · 03/06/2022 20:49

Just a normal bank holiday for me and DH - pottering and just happy we’re not working. And I don’t see anyone on our street doing anything different. There are some park parties and pub bbqs locally, but nothing else that I can see or hear tbh.

TuxedoJunction · 03/06/2022 20:59

@ZaraSizeMedium - I could have written your post word for word(!). Even the bit about family members moaning that we don’t all see each other anymore….🙄

I found Covid was a good circuit breaker and provided those that always get lumbered with hosting time to reassess. We’re now only hosting for those that make an effort and reciprocate the invite. Hosting is expensive, time consuming both pre and post event and can be stressful, hence it’s definitely something that needs to be taken in turns and the load shared.

TooMuchToblerone · 03/06/2022 21:14

I could have written this too. We went to a street party but other than that (which was with neighbours) not a single invite this extended bank holiday weekend.
I've dug my heels in and not invited people to ours because it's just not reciprocated. Costs a lot in ££, time and effort and it'd be nice if someone invited us for a change.
I know they're not obliged to us, it would just be nice.

HazelNutterButter · 03/06/2022 21:56

Echo your post too. Hardly anyone we know hosts. I’ve scaled back from hosting big bbqs and Christmas parties, as I was fed up of the lack of reciprocity. We hosted a bbq for one friend (family of 4) yesterday and we’re hosting another bbq for one friend (family of 4) on Sunday. Both of whom have hosted us for actual meals recently. I purposefully didn’t invite certain other friends, as I’m fed of them never ever hosting anything!!

Titsywoo · 03/06/2022 22:06

ZaraSizeMedium · 03/06/2022 20:16

DH and I decided last year to take a break from hosting everything - birthdays, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, bank holiday bbq’s, etc, when we realised it was costing us a fortune and no other bugger ever took a turn and it had come to be assumed and expected that we’d do it all.

And family/friends even stopped bringing a contributory bottle of wine or pack of burgers for the bbq, but we’d get texts asking what’s the plan for <insert event here>. My breezy “we don’t have any plans, happy to come to you if you’re doing something” elicited nothing but silence

I get that some people don’t like hosting but there was never even a once a year “let’s go out for dinner - it’s on us” in return. And no, these are not people with financial issues who can’t afford it, before anyone says it.

We now listen to family members moaning that nobody has seen each other for ages and I’m starting to have a short fuse even listening to their whining. I can’t be arsed with any of them atm. I’m happy enough with just me, DH and DS.

Same except for my group of friends rather than family. Since I decided to stop organising stuff we never get together as a group anymore even though everyone enjoyed it. I got fed up being the only one who did the work of making plans. Now I just see people on a one to one basis. People do take advantage of those who like to host/are good at organising get togethers.

NorseKiwi · 03/06/2022 22:57

Yes I have to agree with most posters here. I too love to host, but yes since covid I've realised how many people I used to entertain, who dont invite you back. Since the New year, I've implemented a rule that I dont ask folks over for dinner unless they have hosted us recently, if they arent the type to host, then I suggest going out for dinner, which I think works out cheaper if you just pay for your own, plus no tidying up or washing up afterwards.

Namechanger355 · 03/06/2022 23:02

Literally no plans or invites or parties this weekend so just pottering about as a family

in your case I would be chuffed to have people who would want to come to my party when people are quite lazy

and that also means that people are usually too lazy to organise parties themselves - don’t take it personally

Lizziekisss · 04/06/2022 00:51

Nope nothing happening here either, just enjoying the long weekend to do some gardening, and catch up with best friend. There's a bit of bunting here and there. and an event on the village green, but didn't fancy it. Saw a group of elderly people having a tea party in a front garden yesterday, that was about it.

CharSiu · 04/06/2022 01:36

I actually love hosting, had some friends round today and it is being reciprocated soon. But many people just don’t like hosting.

TooMuchToblerone · 05/06/2022 22:11

Even if people don't like hosting, or don't live somewhere suitable for hosting, they can still make an effort.
We got a bit fed up when we repeatedly hosted the same friends but one couple never ever reciprocated.
We mentioned this to mutual friends and they said that couple lived somewhere too small to host. However the non-hosters did organise/suggest days out regularly for themselves and friends. Still never invited us.
There are ways to reciprocate in a friendship without hosting. Just a suggestion for a meet up shows you're not just there as a passenger.

TheChosenTwo · 05/06/2022 22:29

Arghh I get the hosting grumps too sometimes! Even though we do get invites to family from time to time it feels like we do the bulk of it because (this is not a stealth boast) we have the biggest house and garden. It does make sense practically. We had 50 round last week for a family birthday and if it rained we could have all squeezed inside although it would have been ridiculously tight.
We host Christmas every year (I complain to dh every year because I just spend the whole week running up to Christmas shopping and cleaning and then the cleanup is atrocious!), we host family bbqs, parties, all occasions.
i used to host an end of year party for colleagues until it became an expectation, I was never ever invited to any of their houses for anything. I stopped doing that.
I was though delighted to not be invited to any jubilee crap as I probably wouldn’t have gone anyway 😂

Chewchewbacca · 05/06/2022 22:47

Some people rely on others. I kmow in my group of mates one has never had a party wereas I am pro active.. we all all different.
What i have done , which works very well,is set up a wots app group for social stuff.. anyone who fancies a nite out or an event can post the info on there and anyone in the group can go.. one person oftwn ends up organizing taxi if needed as she is organized that way.. it seems to work quite well .. wd it help you re this.. ? Whilst you may still do the things you organise, it may be that you get invited to other stuff?

easyday · 05/06/2022 22:47

I'm the organiser in my group of friends. If I didn't gee them all up they'd hardly ever get it together.
I'm the only one without a partner (I'm a widow), so maybe that drives it. They are all happy to come to mine or go out when I do the booking etc. That's just the way it is.

easyday · 05/06/2022 22:49

Mind you I do sometimes think 'huh' when one of them posts on FB a dinner party they had with couples in the group and I never get invited to those. Singleton as I am may be why. I do tend to organise women only things.

Thatswhyimacat · 05/06/2022 22:50

Some people are hosts and some are hosted. You've established yourself as a host. If it helps, I'm sure your hosted friends look forward to the things you organise for them...OK no that doesn't help does it...being the host sucks.

worraliberty · 05/06/2022 22:58

If you enjoy hosting then carry on, if you don't, then don't, but I don't think you should host to be hosted. It's a bit like just giving to receive. 🤷‍♀️

It's always us. We're always the hosts bar one other family we are friends with who will do stuff they invite us to.

I'd be happy with that ^^

MsTSwift · 05/06/2022 23:07

There’s another thread where a poster is outraged that a friend organised a party then condensed it down and op no longer invited. The op seemed to feel entitled to an invite though never responded when asked whether she every hosted the couple giving the party…