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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dinner at In laws.

31 replies

katrinapetrova · 03/06/2022 13:19

For background context, DH, DS and I are living with my parents due to an issue with our previous house, we'll be staying here until we're able to sort out our housing issues.

My parents have been abroad, and returned late yesterday, I intended on spending the day with them, as they've been away and wanting to see my DS. They were also very excited to prepare my favourite meal- as they brought back things to prepare dinner for us, knowing how much I adore the dinner they planned. They had to pay at the airport extra luggage, as they made sure to bring back our favourite things to prepare for us and were super excited to make these things.

However, MIL and my DH had apparently decided, without consulting me, that we would be having dinner at my in laws tonight. My DP said it was no issue and they could prepare dinner another day. It's not a problem with them, thankfully.

I think this is all a tad unfair nonetheless, because usually we see my in laws once or twice a week (not more because of DH's work) have always told them they're welcome anytime to come see their DGS. Due to my DP being away we have seen them five/six times in the past week, as we tried to make up for the fact that we don't always see much of them. I was more than happy to spend more time with them and invited them over for dinner a couple nights as they invited us.

We usually spend saturday nights with them, but DH and I have a birthday party of DHs friend so won't be able to make it to dinner at my in laws. Thus MIL and DH arranged for tonight as "it's not fair that we won't be attending saturday" but I think it's really unfair that I won't be having dinner and having a proper sit down evening with my parents until Sunday, when I've seen them so many times this week!

What really irritated me was them arranging things without consulting me and just telling me of the plans after they were made.

I have spoken to DH and told him i don't believe this has been fair, and he suggested we cancel tonight, understanding my frustration. MIL has previously complained we're keeping her at arms distance and shutting her off from seeing her DGS because we once had to reschedule dinner with her. I told my DH it is fine and we can go tonight- as already spoken to my parents too.

But, AIBU to be annoyed, I was considering have a word with my MIL because don't think she's being fair- but also, wanted external opinions since I do live with my parents and don't want to cause an argument, especially if i'm in the wrong.
I do understand we live with my parents so see them a lot more- I don't want to be unreasonable and come across like I only care for my family, but I don't think it was correct of her to not settle for another day and insist we must see her tonight when we have spent so much time with her in the previous week.

OP posts:
Ithoughtsummerwascoming · 03/06/2022 13:23

Op the language " it's not fair" already shows just how your in law's think and feel.

Just say ,sorry but I can't attend today!
I'm having dinner with my parents and ds...you go to your mum.

End of problem solve

Needanotherholidayasap · 03/06/2022 13:24

Tell dh he can eat with his dm and you will eat with yours.. And you will be taking dc as your md hasn't seen him recently.. Imo mil is determined to be your first choice.. Call her out on it and don't go.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/06/2022 13:32

Its very hard being a GP that sees less of you GC than the other GPS do. That said its unfair to guilt trip you as well and it would have been common courtesy for your DH to run it by you first. Having said that presumably you will be seeing your parents just not eating with them, so it isn't like you won't be spending time with.

LoudingVoice · 03/06/2022 13:35

Just say sorry can’t make it tonight I’ve already got plans, and move on.

Cherrysoup · 03/06/2022 13:42

I would not go, mostly because it’s been arranged without my knowledge and I really hate that. Also, you’ve seen them 5/6 times this week and your parents have been away. Your mil really can’t whinge about that.

TokyoTen · 03/06/2022 14:02

As PP have said "Sorry I can't make that, I've planned to do a meal with my parents, see you later and have a lovely time". I have to say you seem far to integrated into both your parent's and his parent's lives! I'd be backing off entirely and saving myself a lot of potential hassle.

AppleBirdBrush · 03/06/2022 14:03

Didn't you do the same thing though? Make plans to eat with your parents without consulting him? Or did he know about that and make arrangements with his parents anyway?

Veryverycalmnow · 03/06/2022 14:07

I don't know why you couldn't have said, "we can't tonight, as we already have plans!"

Porcupineintherough · 03/06/2022 14:07

Did your parents check with your dh about cooking dinner tonight? Did you?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/06/2022 14:55

Five/six times a week, is just far too much to see in laws. Even two times a week. When do you get your own small family/husband time?
On top of that, there's arguments about what's fair visitation rights, which is stressing you out.
You need a rule that neither of you say yes to an invitation without consulting the other and you say that to who ever is inviting "I will check with x first,"
Then you should choose what you both want to do- regardless of pressure from either side. And don't be forced to live your lives the way the previous generation want. This is your time.

Badgirlriri · 03/06/2022 15:00

I can’t see why this is an issue. Just say you go to your mums, I’ll stay home tonight ?!?

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 03/06/2022 15:03

However, MIL and my DH had apparently decided, without consulting me, that we would be having dinner at my in laws tonight. My DP said it was no issue and they could prepare dinner another day. It's not a problem with them, thankfully.

So a total non issue then?

Stichintime · 03/06/2022 15:08

This all seems abit intense on both sides.

DolphinaPD · 03/06/2022 15:11

katrinapetrova · 03/06/2022 13:19

For background context, DH, DS and I are living with my parents due to an issue with our previous house, we'll be staying here until we're able to sort out our housing issues.

My parents have been abroad, and returned late yesterday, I intended on spending the day with them, as they've been away and wanting to see my DS. They were also very excited to prepare my favourite meal- as they brought back things to prepare dinner for us, knowing how much I adore the dinner they planned. They had to pay at the airport extra luggage, as they made sure to bring back our favourite things to prepare for us and were super excited to make these things.

However, MIL and my DH had apparently decided, without consulting me, that we would be having dinner at my in laws tonight. My DP said it was no issue and they could prepare dinner another day. It's not a problem with them, thankfully.

I think this is all a tad unfair nonetheless, because usually we see my in laws once or twice a week (not more because of DH's work) have always told them they're welcome anytime to come see their DGS. Due to my DP being away we have seen them five/six times in the past week, as we tried to make up for the fact that we don't always see much of them. I was more than happy to spend more time with them and invited them over for dinner a couple nights as they invited us.

We usually spend saturday nights with them, but DH and I have a birthday party of DHs friend so won't be able to make it to dinner at my in laws. Thus MIL and DH arranged for tonight as "it's not fair that we won't be attending saturday" but I think it's really unfair that I won't be having dinner and having a proper sit down evening with my parents until Sunday, when I've seen them so many times this week!

What really irritated me was them arranging things without consulting me and just telling me of the plans after they were made.

I have spoken to DH and told him i don't believe this has been fair, and he suggested we cancel tonight, understanding my frustration. MIL has previously complained we're keeping her at arms distance and shutting her off from seeing her DGS because we once had to reschedule dinner with her. I told my DH it is fine and we can go tonight- as already spoken to my parents too.

But, AIBU to be annoyed, I was considering have a word with my MIL because don't think she's being fair- but also, wanted external opinions since I do live with my parents and don't want to cause an argument, especially if i'm in the wrong.
I do understand we live with my parents so see them a lot more- I don't want to be unreasonable and come across like I only care for my family, but I don't think it was correct of her to not settle for another day and insist we must see her tonight when we have spent so much time with her in the previous week.

I'd be having dinner with my parents.

Hoppinggreen · 03/06/2022 15:18

Your DH is the problem here

Everydayimhuffling · 03/06/2022 15:19

I don't understand why you would talk to your MIL about this. Your DH messed up, not her. It was perfectly reasonable of her to assume that he was able to say "let me discuss it with OP" if there was a problem. Massively rude to your parents, I would think, but again that is your DH's issue not your MIL's.

ChesapeakeEmbarrassed · 03/06/2022 15:24

You do realise that you and your husband are not physically welded together and that you are an autonomous adult who can make your own decisions?

You don't have to do everything together all of the time. Nor do you ever have to do anything that you don't want to do that has been 'arranged' for you.

You don't need any drama here at all. Just tell him that you are going to stay and have dinnner with your parents as they've been away, wish him the best of times and off he goes.

What's all the fuss about?

catandcoffee · 03/06/2022 16:04

You have dinner with your family and he goes to his...problem solved. Is he not capable of taking your child to visit them alone ?

Is there a reason you actually need to visit so often. Let you other half go alone.

katrinapetrova · 03/06/2022 16:23

Everydayimhuffling · 03/06/2022 15:19

I don't understand why you would talk to your MIL about this. Your DH messed up, not her. It was perfectly reasonable of her to assume that he was able to say "let me discuss it with OP" if there was a problem. Massively rude to your parents, I would think, but again that is your DH's issue not your MIL's.

It more of a "since you're not coming on saturday, you're having dinner on friday" and I don't think he thought much into it, though he should've still consulted me. When I spoke to him about it he apologised and said we could cancel. When I spoke to her she said "Oh I spoke to DH and you're coming for dinner since you're not coming on saturday" but it was more of an affirmation as oppose to a request or invitation. So i've left it for him to sort it out with her, and won't be mentioning anything.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 03/06/2022 16:47

"So sorry MIL, bit of a mix up; we can't come to yours because my parents have brought home some ingredients from abroad and are cooking a special meal for us tonight ".

It really isn't hard to just be straightforward and polite .

Eightiesfan · 03/06/2022 17:19

MIL is being entitled. I would not go. DH arranged this without consulting you, so he can have dinner with Monster-in-Law, whilst you have a nice evening with your DM.

TellingBone · 03/06/2022 17:33

Dying to know what this special meal is that involves excess baggage. Braised bear? Roast wildebeest?

<missespoint>

Stressofherregard · 03/06/2022 17:44

TellingBone · 03/06/2022 17:33

Dying to know what this special meal is that involves excess baggage. Braised bear? Roast wildebeest?

<missespoint>

As its impossible to import meat, I'm guessing it's a live goat/wildebeest/bear. To be spit roast.

HelpIneedsomebodywontyouplease · 03/06/2022 18:27

@DolphinaPD did you really need to quote the whole OP, that we can all see, just to post your once sentence?

REignbow · 03/06/2022 18:47

It all sounds so suffocating!

Why are you having twice weekly meals with your IL’s?

What about your own lives?

Why did your DH suggest that he cancels a pre-arranged thing with friends to appease his mother?

IMO, you need to speak to DH and tell him that you both get to decide on plans not him and his mother and he needs to set boundaries in regards to his mothers expectations on your family free time.

Your DS will get older and will not want to spend every waking second with grandma, he’ll want to see his friends.