Am I in for a shock?

[Confusedbyactions]

Does seperating get nasty? I'm on the end of verbal attacks in terms of "you did this you did that" or when i say "I feel" it is not accepted and pushed aside as lies. I even start with "my view is or i feel this way because and want to understand your side" im trying to keep calm and prevent arguments. Ive asked for counselling/mediation, even stop the topics to move to another if it gets heated. As I believe my wife has a condition I don't think she will go and see any professional. I've agreed so far to her terms on things but home life is awful, she said she would look to move with the kids, we could be months away from that. She sleeps in their room or downstairs, or upstairs if through the day, I try to be as normal as possible continuing daily life. I just have a niggle that I'm unprepared for what's next and how do I protect the kids and me from as much instability, emotional shocks and possible lifestyle downgrades?

Why don’t you leave her in the home in the kids while it’s sorted out ?

Well it really depends on why you are splitting up.

What condition do you believe your wife is suffering from and why?

In short -yes. Its fairly unusual for a separation to get to the final point without it getting acrimonious, even in the best case scenarios. Once finances are discussed and the realities of running two households, co-parenting etc become more real. It rarely turns out the way either expect or hope. Solicitors and certainly mediators tend to aim for the idea that no-one will be entirely pleased but hopefully the downsides will be equally shared. Top tips:

1. As far as the kids are concerned, as neutral as possible. It is not about them, they have done nothing wrong, nor can they help you in any way to stay together.
2. No criticism of the other parent unless there is an obvious and glaring issue. If its just differences in style, then "well, that's Mummy's rule but here we do X"
3. Try not to get too into the mindset, even with friends, about badmouthing her and everything she does. People love other peoples' dramas and it's fun to bitch and moan but it can poison your general attempts to stay on good terms. Good luck

Yanbu. Time to put your hard hat on.

I thought of moving out but she wants too. I work from home and do this around kids eat/school/food/sleep times. She does work but part time awkward timings.

My wife accused me of multiple affairs and I confronted everyone of them via lie detector, witnesses and even husbands of the wives I was accused off. I removed myself from work, friends and family to prove there was no contact with anyone. She received messages that were cryptic messages that are proof. I gave her access to all devices and suggested counselling to help us understand each other for communication and work through everything. Her mindset is that I can control everyone I speak to that makes then believe what I want them too. I did post another topic for input as I am totally stuck. Moving out is unaffordable, staying is not good. Vice versa for her. I am now thinking to just agree to everything and not engage in any form of disagreement for a quick settlement and look after the kids.

She sounds clinically paranoid.

She sounds very sick

Lie detector and witnesses ? You sound unhinged yourself.

Well maybe when you’re getting accused of affairs right, left and centre you go to unnecessary lengths!

You're in for a very, very, very hard time here OP. You're divorcing a woman and therefore, in the eyes of many (like @KangarooKenny ) you're entirely in the wrong. You're going to be considered completely and totally to blame for everything by some posters on here. We've already seen this with the assumption that you should move out of the family home and away from your children and the attacks on you for acquiescing to the demands of someone who, objectively, sounds abusive.

This break-up is going to be a nightmare. Your DW is clearly paranoid, abusive and unstable. You need to look after your children first and foremost - remaining the house was a good start. Is DW actually safe to be around the children? How old are they? People show you who they are - she's refusing to mediate. She doesn't want to have an amicable break-up. She wants to end the relationship and be the victim. If you've done nothing wrong, she'll invent things and pretend you've done them.

You need to speak to a solicitor, you probably need to get social services involved because this cannot be safe for your children. You need to keep a record of absolutely everything. You probably need to go to a police station in person and make a pre-emptive statement in case she makes false accusations to the police (she's already making them socially, the police is just one step further). You need to ensure you're financially stable - how much of your money is in joint accounts? You need to speak to your children's schools and let them know, very carefully and considerately, that you're divorcing and ask them to keep an eye - tell them not to remove you from any school communication. Do the same with the doctors/dentists etc - just say that you have parental responsibility and that you'd like a note on the file that you shouldn't be removed from their records regardless of what DW says. Record conversations and arguments where possible, with her knowledge - tell her you're recording. Either this will prevent certain behaviours or, at least, you have evidence. Communicate by email or text as much as possible. Can DW increase her hours to full-time or pick up another job or change to a full-time job? Or can she support herself and 50% of the children on her part-time salary?

You're in for a very rough ride here - preparedness is key.

She sounds mentally unwell. Are you really proposing to leave your children in her care? Tell her she needs to seek help or you'll be looking to be primary carer and restricted unsupervised contact.

At the time of the lie detector test I couldn't think of any other way to prove to her as she wouldn't tell me the full story of how she thought this and offered her participation even made the questions simple so no doubt exists. This may sounds extreme but I thought my marriage worth saving and rebuilding working through everything. She refused to confront the said people or even give me full details, even after that any messages,contact between my wife and other wives were still deemed cryptic clues. Now that I believe we both have no feelings for each other, I don't know what to do other than appease her. I've asked a select few friends for advice but realise their input will be swayed to my side. Therefore this may enlighten me to what to expect as I now understand she is contacting friends and family to speak about me. I can see she must be angry believing the scenarios to be true but how do we talk and agree or even approach subjects?

You can't rationalise with crazy ! She's obviously convinced so nothing you do will ever convince her differently

If I even approach that subject it will be an almighty argument. She has the full support of a mother in law who lived with us for a long time and had the same pattern but a bit more extreme with her relationships. My wife even knows that. I don't really have a choice and wouldn't like to think she would do that with children and maybe it's only me she will ever behave like this with? will she do it again? I don't know.

She wants an almighty argument. There will be one. You cannot jeopardise your children's wellbeing in order to try and appease someone who will not be appeased. You'll just give and give and give until you reach the end of your tether (far too far down the road) and then you'll have the almighty argument then. Fear of conflict is not the same as compromise.

Thanks for all your input everyone its helped.

Sell the house and both of you move to new houses?

Exactly what I said was quickest and allows for fastest healing.