Not enjoying my DCs company.

[romanticnight]

I'm a single parent to DS9 and DD10. I work long hours in a stressful job. Their dad doesn't see them and only pays £30 per month CM. I have very little free time but whe n I do I've noticed I'm avoiding their company.

Everything is a fight. On a daily basis. Getting them to brush their teeth, have a shower, do their homework, pick up after themselves is all a major battle ending in either bribery or lots of stress and tears. Every. Single. Day. The same battles.

I try to arrange family time where we watch a film together. Or talk together over dinner. Or go for a walk together. But all they want to do is talk about shit they've seen on You Tube, moan about the fact I won't let them have Tik Tok, or argue with each other.

At their age I didn't need nagging to do my homework. And I practised music for hours of my own volition as I wanted to get good. They're not interested in anything like that. It's all "boring". I make them go to swimming training twice a week and drama club once. Otherwise they wouldn't leave their bedrooms. I do limit screen time but it makes me want to stick my head in a gas oven as they just moan constantly about how bored they are.

Arggggghhhhhhh.

Yep. Hear ya.

Yep you're not alone. It's torture at times, social media has a lot to answer for. Kids seem to have no interest in much else

Stop comparing them to you. They aren't you and it's a different time.

And meet them where they are! If they want to talk about YouTube shit, watch it with them and talk about it!! Stop telling them what they should be interested in and ASK them what they are interested in. Do that, and then let THEM choose a tv show or a film to watch, and you pay attention.

Honestly, you can't treat them like that and then complain they don't want to spend quality time with them.

Id say that is very normal.
I'd say what you remember of you at that age is less common.
They aren't you. They are them.

When any of us work long hours, life can then be a battle to just exist. It isn't great but it is what it is. Sounds like they are normal dc and doing enough for you not to be too worried.

Have you tried fitting into their world ,rather than making them fit into your world view?

Watch a youtube video or two with them. Even better, find something that you might enjoy as well and get them interested in it. For me it was some arts and crafts channels (like Moriah Elizabeth) , a reptile rescue (baby snakes are adorable) and the tarantula guy(can't remember his name).

Ask them to save some titktoks that are funny or riddles or with animals(if you like that) in their favourites and watch together, or you search for something you like. If you have the time and patience and energy, learn a dance,do a tiktok with them ,be silly.

Ask them about their day and listen no matter how mind numbing it is. Share about yours if there's anything funny or interesting in it. Even something annoying if appropriate.

Sometimes just let them be. Their interests /hobbies aren't any less worthwhile because you consider them so or because you wouldn't have done the same as a kid.

I was and still am an avid reader, DD hates it. Yes , it's upsetting but we found other ways to relate to each other.

Do you have a garden? I’d schedule garden time every day tbh, if you’ve enough time to fit it in.

Mine love being outside though.

i agree you should take an interest in the things YouTube stuff to a certain extent but also use the ‘tuning out’ method with nods, smiles and very interested reactions.

Why is their YouTube interest less valid than whatever you want to talk about? They’re 9 and 10, of course they’re going to have childish interests. Part of parenting is having long conversations about things you think are boring/trivial/utter nonsense. But that’s how you get them to trust you so that when they want to talk about a friendship problem or hurt feelings or something they’re worried about they know you’ll listen and be interested instead of dismissing it as “shit”.

Honestly you sound burnt out, but it’s not their fault.

@CupidStunt22 point taken. However, I've asked them what they're interested in. It's You Tube, Roblox, watching people play Roblox on You Tube, and nothing else. Not sure what kind of parent I'd be if I didn't try to at least get them to live a richer life

I think it's also an age thing. My youngest is 9, almost 10 and I can see some of what you've said in her. I would h e said the same about my eldest daughter, but since starting high school, she has changed and she will engage more and watch things together, help out, go for walks. It's sometimes needs a bit of encouragement but she's easier to live alongside. She's nearly 13.

But their live are so different to how we were brought up. It juts is and you have to just get your head around the fact that playing outside til dusk and reading I got eh small hours ain't the norm for them three days. It's hard and I still can't get over the banality of tik tok/Snapchat.....then again I can lose hours to Instagram!!!

I think you need to make an effort to enjoy (or pretend to be interested in) the things they enjoy. My father was always interested in anything and everything I loved and spent time listening to me talk about it and getting involved. This was throughout childhood when I’m sure he wasn’t that interested in barbies or Pokémon, and then throughout my young adulthood when I would phone him to talk about university lectures or books I was reading etc. We had a brilliant relationship and I feel like I’ve lost so much since he’s died.

My Mum never did. She was always visibly bored by things I liked, and still is now as an adult. We have an okay relationship now but I often feel so sad that she doesnt seem interested in things just because I am, especially when I think back to times as a child and teen when she just didn’t care.

Please don’t do that to your kids. It’s really heartbreaking to read.

Unfortunately, these are the general years. You don't realise or notice at the time, but they are.
You HAVE to make this time count cos you won't get it back. Pps are right. Find something to bond over, or they'll grow up, grow away and you don't want them to leave and not come back.

A day is a torture bur the years somehow fly by

Of course you can try. Just also try to take an interest in their stuff rather than seeing it all with derision, as pointless and silly.
Join them on a roblox game. There are hundreds of various types , including board games,uno etc. It's still spending time together,you might even enjoy yourself (I do sometimes) and it opens new communication lines or even interests that are not online of what you can all do together.

I agree with previous posters. I join mine in a games of roblox and fortnite. I couldn't think of anything worse but they absolutely think it's amazing when I play fortnite with them and their friends. I also watch YouTube with them, somethings are actually quite interesting but mine went through the whole watching people play roblox thing and I do agree it is boring.
try find a balance. Drag them out to a park for an hour or two and when you return home watch a bit of youtube and ask questions about it ect.

Thing is, they already are doing plenty.
Swimming twice a week and drama once a week is plenty for them at that age.
They are getting exercise.
They are learning new skills.
They are presumably mixing with other dc outside of school at both swimming and drama, so different people again.

Alongside those things, they are in to childish stuff as they are children. Seems reasonable to me. I have to agree with everyone saying ask them about it - join in with them. As Imperialminty said, it builds relationships between parents and dc, and as TheYellowFlamingo said, it opens up, and keeps open communication between you as they approach their teen years, when you really want them to feel 'safe' talking to you about things, and they need to know you will listen to them.

Know how you feel.
To the person who said watch you tube with them .... You don't have any idea how irritating these you tube stars are to listen too.
Following up on music practice. My children do lots activity but no interest in being good at any of them.
Once they step inside house they bursting to watch TV ( you tube mostly).
I've lot time booked off work over summer wondering if I should experiment with leaving them at it. Just watch TV all day ... Will they then get fed up with it after few days and happily leave house to do stuff.
Anyhow at least not teenagers sneaking out 😂

Some really good points, thank you. Particularly about engaging with them with where they're at, in terms of building a trusting relationship with them.

I do have a Roblox account of my own and play with them occasionally, at their request. But I've got to admit, it makes me want to pull my own fingernails off.

I hear you op...i couldn't care less about some of dds interests and she couldn't care less about some of mine but we do find a common interest in some things ...some bits of music, healthy eating, exercise er...um.....

I could join her at looking at Tiktok but i don't approve of it so it dosn't work.

It really is a different world raising children today to the one we were brought up in, other things have improved etc but this is hard.

I think even if it's substantially true that you have to try really hard to meet them where they are - YouTube, tv shows, roblox etc it's very hard having children who finds it hard to lift their eyes off their screens for long enough for you to finish a sentence.

I have SCs very similar ages and they absentmindedly pick up their ipods in the middle of movies, conversations... They also don't leave their rooms much. I find it depressing honestly. They seem absolutely disengaged from everything that isn't on a screen - sometimes I think they're mentally scrolling everytime I talk to them!

I know this is how it is, the grass is always greener, rose-tinted glasses etc etc. But really I do wish they enjoyed the real world a bit more.

It gets better! In a few more years there will be so much more common ground. My 15 year old comes home and asks me how my day was.

In the meantime, as well as being interested in their stuff, there is no harm in sometimes putting some telly on for you. If they have the choice between bed now or staying up while you watch your programme, you might find they develop a sudden interest... helped along if your "choice" is a bit more angled towards them than they realise. Series work better than films for us.

I don't watch YouTube with my dcs or play roblox but I do feign interest when they start talking about all that stuff. I've really mastered 'oh wow! That sounds amazing/fascinating/so much fun!'
It just helps to build a better relationship and they're more open to doing other things.
It also helps to lay down ground rules before you do anything like 'no arguing'

My two ds were mad into watching sport. Anything: football, golf, cricket even bloody darts. I couldn't have cared less but I joined in watching and we had big chats in the car about what team was buying who . It kept the conversation going so when they came into the teen years communication was open. Now when they come home the chat is war, politics, life and of course, sport!
Few tips from someone on the other end:
No screens in bedrooms. All viewing/ playing in the family space as it keeps everyone together and you are always aware of what they are watching. Have screen free days for all..well signposted in advance. Yes they will moan but then find something else to do.
Soon they will be teens nd you will be glad you kept the chat going.

Well of course, but how's it going for you? Not well. You can't just impose your wants on them.

Start by meeting them where they are. Watch a couple of godawful roblox vids on youtube and play a game with them. Then share with them something you like on youtube. Find a game that you might like that you could play with them. Expand their horizons but start from where their horizons actually ARE. Encourage, don't impose.

Or you know, keep doing what you're doing. Because thats really working for you.

OP it's hard and you sound like you're doing a great job. This all sounds really normal for their age, so reassure yourself that you're not doing anything wrong. Keep trying to engage them in the things they're interested in, and trying to widen their interests too. In a couple of years they'll start getting more interesting (I have teens). Hang in there!

Maybe try a few board games as well? Avoid old types like Monopoly and go for better balanced games like King of Tokyo, Sushi Go, Munchkins, Camel Up, etc

See if you can find some more decent youtube videos that you can actually tolerate- we like Matt Patt's Game/Food/Film Theory (some videos are for slightly older children, and there are lots of Five Nights at Freddie's game horror type vids). Minecraft videos tend to be much funnier and bearable than Roblox ones, and the game itself is much more fun and complex, so try guiding them in that direction (at least Stampy is on the decline now, so you can avoid that laugh). We also enjoy North of the Border's clay builds and it might tempt your kids to try something crafty. I used to enjoy Ellie V's Lego stuff - I'm sure there must be some more "masculine" oriented lego builder if your children think she's too "feminine". I don't hate the Norris Nuts, they're probably among the least spoiled of the Youtuber kids and do seem quite grateful for the things they get (though all reality families are weird, let's face it). Dharman vids are so bad they're good. Almost. You can at least make fun of them together. I don't let my kids have TikTok, but I do let them watch DanTDM react to TikToks, so they can get a fix.

I also have a number of Youtubers that my kids love and I cannot stand. I hate the shriekers and the ones who just seem to exist to buy the most expensive pets or whatever available non stop all day. Good luck!