To ask about your dark days, please

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

Almost name changed but... I don't think it's fair to hide when it comes to mental health, if I'm asking something so personal I should be willing to be seen and honest myself.

Some days I seem to be overcome with sadness, worry, anxiety and... something I can't quite put my finger on.

Life is pretty good, I can't complain. But as with everyone, nothing is perfect. Yet somehow, occasionally (and more regularly) it seems crushing and dark.

I get through the day, the kids are non the wiser, but then I'll be on my own and it just hits me. The worry (could be about anything) washes over me most days but I keep it under control, but when I'm alone and think for too long... well it's hard.

Is this just life? I have a history of depression but it's never been life altering really, I take the lowest dose of Effexor which does seem to take the edge off. But I wonder sometimes to most people feel like this, it's perhaps just being an adult and realising life is a bit crap?

And if you don't mind sharing, what are you dark days like?

Hi OP,

I can totally relate to how you feel.

my dark days are more i get a detached sort of feeling and I feel so tired, I question what is actually the point of it all.

My son was born extremely prematurely (27 weeks) last year so I know mine is a symptom of PTSD and I've always had anxiety, diagnosed in 2016.

I think unfortunately days like this are a part of the mental illness.

do you think going on a higher dose could help?

I would talk to your GP about upping your dose (not a doctor, just my feeling.) If you find it takes the edge off then it might be worth considering.

I have found a mindfulness practise helpful, yoga, swimming - anything meditative that gets me out of my head and back into my body.

That's for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it.

I'm awaiting a referral to psychiatry, I'm sensitive to dosing with antidepressants (tried 7 different ones over the past 20 years) so GP agreed it was a good idea to see what the specialist suggest.

The thing is, it's not crippling or hugely dramatic, it's almost like this feeling that just sits with me? Like the previous poster said "what's the point of it all"

The yoga and swimming are great advice, I do love open water swimming and paddle boarding and have a yoga class once a week and they really do help.

I understand where you’re coming from. I experience the same sort of thing despite having no apparent reason to be unhappy/anxious/depressed. It’s not a feeling I can define either although worry is one element of it. I take half a Citalopram tablet daily and do a lot of work on myself to keep on an even keel. The thing I’d like to stop is my endless rerunning of past events in my head.
I tend to conclude that one can only ever be as happy as the human condition allows and maybe the answer is to reach an acceptance of this, OP? Not that I’m any kind of expert.

Very wise words! I think you may be correct.

And I do the same, rerunning of the past... and also endless fretting about the future and things that have never happened and are unlikely to ever happen.

And I do the same, rerunning of the past... and also endless fretting about the future and things that have never happened and are unlikely to ever happen

Perhaps you have too much time to think?

That's unkind. Troublesome, intrusive thoughts come to the time-rich and the time-poor alike.

You'd be forgiven for thinking so. I have two young children and I try to keep busy with hobbies and groups, it tends to be when the day ends and I'm alone in an evening it sinks in? Maybe I just need to go straight to bed

Those things are nothing to do with ‘having too much to time to think’. Intrusive thoughts come into my head when I’m running, driving, showering, and/or in a million other situations. Not a helpful comment for the OP.

Hi OP,

I get this. I have dark days too. I don't really get anxious but I do just feel low sometimes, like crying is just bubbling beneath the surface. And sometimes I can't mask this well, I can't tolerate the minor irritations of children, and I get angry.

Mine is in the context of disability. Life IS a bit crap. Some days I can hold on to positives. Some days I can't.

I try to just allow the bad days to pass, knowing it will get better, because it does, it ebbs and flows. I escape into reading. I have purposefully found quiet creative activities I can also escape into. I can't tolerate other people in real life, but I feel better when I chat helpfully to people on online forums (like this) because I feel a sense of usefulness, mastery and power in some format, even when I don't elsewhere. I also no longer have a problem practising extreme self care and doing what I need. When I'm able, I'm generally happier when I am exercising. I actively seek to maximise my joy and minimise stuff I don't like. I am responsible for maximising this.

In your case I would also explore increasing your meds. Its no way to live, and you don't need to. Life is hard, life is a bit crap. But if life for you is also "pretty good", then I don't think you need to live like this.

Best wishes OP, poor mental health is shit.

There have been two losses during the past couple of years which have hit me hard. I have been thinking a lot about 'what's the point of it all'.
I'm worst when I first wake up, and tend to improve as the day goes on but only if I can get outside for a fair amount of time. I do have a history of depression & anxiety and I think it's something that is always going to be there to some extent. I read a book my Matt Haig which I found very helpful (Reasons to stay alive) - maybe you could have a look at that? I would also second the suggestion to try mindfulness or yoga, or anything that encourages changes in your mindset.

Though given your update about it being at the end of the day, I'd second a meditative/mindfulness type daily practise that calms your mind, and might improve your relationship to those thoughts (ability to let them pass etc).

And hey if going to bed works, do that! Lots of people find the anxious thoughts just carry on in bed, so if you can just go to sleep, definitely capitalise on that! !

I thought that life was just like that. I'd been so miserable and unhappy for so many years that I couldn't see what life should be like. Then my mum died and I spoke to my GP who suggested sertraline. It changed my life. It made me see that I had been living under a cloud for so long I forgot what it was like to be in the sun.

I think some of it is just life / the human condition. But it does sound like you might need to up your meds, as you are prone to low mood. Good you are in process with that.

When I get this I try and step outside it (feelings aren't facts etc) and remind myself it will pass. All the basic stuff - sleep, rest, diet, exercise, light, stress management and social interaction are all completely vital to managing it. Spiritual and creative outlets are also vital for some people. CBT isn't a fix but it can help with re-framing thoughts.

That's unkind. Troublesome, intrusive thoughts come to the time-rich and the time-poor alike

It wasn't meant in an unkind way!

Hi, Op. thanks for being brave and sharing. It’s nice to see lots of people have similar experiences (well nice to know we are not alone, if you know what I mean).

Ihave very low days that seem to be linked to my menstration cycle. They are very extreme. I usually wake up feeling very low and emotionally exhausted. Then I get easily angered. Usually I have a continual negative stream going in my head all day that I can’t break. Things like “why do my kids misbehave like this, they behave worse than other kids because I’m a crap parent”or “the house is so untidy and unorganised. Why am I so shit at keeping thigs sorted”… this then escalates to darker thoughts and I cry (usually in the shower) and have some times hit myself. it lasts 1-2 days. Then it lifts. It’s so extreme I do occasionally worry that I might hurt myself one day as it comes on so sudden and strong.

In your shoes, while you're waiting, ask for your dose to be increased. It might be the thing that tips you over from not being quite ok to feeling that life is manageable.
I know that I've often not been given the right dose of an AD - GPS often start at the lowest dose which isn't enough for some people.
I've recently gone back on to citalopram and asked for 20mg because I know it helps me.
Don't give up hope just yet - the light at the end of the tunnel will eventually appear IYSWIM.
I wish you all the very best.

Same, 26 weeks. I get feelings of inadequacy that I couldn't carry my baby to term and sometimes I feel like he's not mine because I had to leave him every night at the NICU.

Most of my days are like this. I'll have a few hours here or there where I'm OK or not dwelling on how I really feel, but I go to bed most nights hoping I don't wake up in the morning. I have dc and I'd never leave them, but there's so much of my life I'd do differently if I could do it over again. I've never told anyone how I feel. I just get on with whatever I've got to do between bouts of chronic procrastination. I'm so tired of life, but feel I have no control over most aspects of it - I need to just get on with what is expected of me. It's like a performance, day in, day out. I cry a lot when I'm on my own. I'm just exhausted with it all.

Yes completely relate. I'm lucky in so many ways but feel like others have it better than me. Wish I had more friends/ felt like people liked me

I’ve suffered from days like that all my life. I recently started meditating, and I have to say, it’s helping hugely.

The Calm App has lots of guided meditations, and Michael Singer’s book ‘Living Untethered’ is good at explaining the process.

Good luck, OP.

@PrawnToast5 it's awful isnt it :( I struggle with a lot of guilt over what he endured the first few months.

My dark days are when I don’t want to talk to anyone (other than my DCs), all the normal chat in person or on messaging from anyone pisses me off - I feel like crap, I eat crap which makes the darkness worse! It’s a no win situation for a few days.

but I take my meds, I carry on at work with a smile on my face. Even though I want the world to puss off.

then the darkness lifts and the sun is shining and this skys blue until the next time

A book which I found helpful is Happiness Becomes You by Tina Turner. It outlines Tina”s difficult early life and how she turned things around with Buddhism and chanting. I tried the chanting as outlined in the book and found it helped me a lot with anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Buddhism is not for me though I have a great respect for the religion. However I never expected the chanting to work as well as it did and it calmed me immensely at a very difficult time. I have tried meditation which made me feel even more anxious and spaced out and all sorts of mindfulness techniques to no avail. I think there are a number of scientific studies explaining why and how chanting affects the brain, don’t have any links but I am sure you can easily find them online. Hope this helps.

Meditation and mindfulness are so powerful - they literally rewire your brain. I did a group mindfulness course with a psychologist and she told us it is essentially getting your brain out of fight-or-flight mode, which we need as humans for dangerous situations but it can easily become our default, and back into switching on the parasympathetic nervous system which is about rest, healing, growth.

If you meditate daily or even just learn some simple mindfulness techniques you strengthen those pathways in your brain and they become easier to activate over time, and more your 'default' setting. We do need to see the darkness, our brains need to go there to keep us safe, but we can also gently lead ourselves into enjoying the present and moments of happiness and safety.

It is a long process and not linear but it does work. And for me personally when i have PMT it's enough just to get through the day without biting someone's head off. But small steps...