To worry I am coming off as desperate to make friends?

[OrangeNeon]

Moved to a new area last year and seem to have lost all my social confidence! It's a small town and it feels as if everyone knows each other and are all in their cliques / groups already. There is loads to do round here (one of the reasons we moved here) and I have joined a couple of groups; people are friendly but I feel like the 'new girl' whatever I do and never seem to get past the 'quick coffee after class' stage.

I feel like a complete desperado and as if I've completely lost the ability to connect properly with people. There is one particular activity I'd really like to do but it feels SO cliquey that I'm paralysed with anxiety at the thought of trying to join in.

I don't need 'best mates' exactly, but I would like a social life and people to spend time with now and again (that aren't DH, much as I love him ). Am I expecting too much? How did you make friends in your 40s when you can no longer bond at the school gate??

I am in exactly the same boat as you. I've met a few women I really get on with but they seem not to want to take it any further! I'm feeling a bit low about it at the moment.

I went to a charity event and one woman I really like was there and had gone with another woman ( who I also like but haven't seen since before Covid) and so it was just a brief chat then they were kind of together. I joined a commitee and the people who know each other go tonthe pub afterwards but don't ask me. I feel like a teenager again and I'm over 50.

@Movinghouseatlast - exactly! I have one person who I would consider a 'friendly acquaintance' here but she has a big social circle here and I feel as if I can't hang on her coattails.

I also feel pretty low about it. It's not like I had a rip-roaring social life where we used to live but I had friends around me to spend time with on a regular basis. I love this new town but I would really like some mates to enjoy it with!

We moved areas. It takes more than a year in my experience.
Also some people will naturally include others , but ive also found that some make no effort to include new people ... good luck .

Do you work? That's where I make most friendships as we've instantly something in common and social life evolves around work. if not, volunteering might get you to meet others who have time on their hands and a cause in common. Otherwise you'd be lucky to meet a person you genuinely clicked with who was also on the look out for a new friend for more than a coffee after the group. You may well get lucky, but it is hard in small towns with not much influx.

It is hard. I'm going through something similar. Great that you're already having coffee with people though!

I'm sure it will fall into place but like you say yourself, it's hard not to be put off by people who are too keen. It's essentially like dating and it pays to play a mild version of - playing hard to get - just a tad. It's the space between the meet ups and the space between text message responses that gets people thinking about you. When you hook someone in by leaving that space you become more interesting.

Random example - let's say your texting and the person asks a question, such as, so how was your "insert activity"- that's the time to exit the conversation. Then reply the next day or even 2 days later and say - 'sorry got caught up with something, it was good thanks! How was your insert activity? Or how did your dentist appointment go' - type of thing.

Those kind of breaks get people thinking about who you are and what you're up to and give an air of 'breezy and no pressure' type friendship.

The space creates the enigma that entices people to want to know more.

So while you might be feeling 'please be my mate' and making loads of effort, sometimes deploying some withdraw but then come back tactics can help in a quest to bring people closer to you and ultimately pulled into the friendship group. Too much though and it becomes tiresome and you're the woman who never responds. So it's a balance.

Essentially, it's a bit of reverse psychology at play!

Which town are you in?

It just takes time.

And recognising that most people just might not have a 'you' shaped space in their lives, so that you don't take it personally when they don't immediately welcome you into their circle.

Take it slowly, however frustrating that might be in practise. You will get there in time.

Volunteering can help to short circuit the time it takes, especially look out for the jobs that are not popular, so you are not treading on anyones toes by offering to do something.

Good luck and keep the faith that it will happen for you. The 'first year doesn't even count'. Give it a few more years and you won't even notice how many contacts you have made.

First tip, don't call them "cliques". It's inaccurate and nasty and gives a very definite vibe from you.

You need to give it time. If people feel the need from you they will run away.

Same position, moved recently . I've put myself out there in loads of different groups and fortunately made friends in all of them. I am hoping that as I am not just focused on one hobby I will meet loads of new people and I have, some I like, some not so much. My advice is join as many things as possible and see what happens organically.

Seek out foreigners or other newcomers.

Making friends with people who have lived in a place all their lives is fucking impossible. I speak from experience. They're just not interested.

I'm in the south east, on the coast, but I don't think I'm happy to say exactly where!

I think letting things happen organically is a good idea. I need to have a bit more confidence to join things and just get to know people that way, I guess.

It does feel like being an awkward teenager again!

That's OK! I just wondered if you were near me, but you're not. I'm in a new community too, but we are mostly newcomers so are all looking yo make friends. It's still tough though.

Can you do an evening course? Counselling courses are quite good for stimulating the right relational conditions. 😉