To do nothing…

[Whowhatwherewhenwhynow]

I have a 6 and 8 year old who’ve recently been having lots of arguments and screaming matches. There’s a pattern of the 6 year old bugging, teasing and then the 8 year old exploding in response.

I usually try to defuse, redirect and stay calm, occasionally needing to have consequences. I’ve just totally reached my limited though after weeks of escalating arguments and broken a bit.

today I taken away all screen time, refused to take them out or allow friends over. I’m refusing to play with them at all. I’m just sat reading things on my phone while they wonder about trying to entertain themselves and having the occasional argument in between coming up to me asking me to play with them. I’m just fed up of stuffing my needs away, being patient and working hard to do nice thing (eg I do a lot of playing with them, work hard to make bedtime nice etc).

the house has a horrible vibe now and I know it won’t change until I perk up.
but I just can’t.

not sure what I’m asking.
I guess AIBU to just do absolutely fuck all for them today (obviously aside from the basics of feeding, supervising etc). Or am I just continuing an Shiite atmosphere that I will inevitably have to deal with at some point.

Why are you not punishing the 6yo for doing that? That seems the source of it. Why take both screen times away and not just for the 6yo?

Sounds like they are bored. It’s a sunny day, take them out for a nice walk
and picnic and sure you’ll all feel better

Read your OP back and then ask yourself who the adult is , seriously all you are doing is behaving like a child and making everyone miserable . I agree with the pp deal with the behaviour of the instigator ( 6 yo ) .

Listen to How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. Episode 17 is Managing Sibling Conflict. Strategies include separating them before conflict arises, so you have to use your spidey sense! She doesn't recommend punishment, as much as consequences.

Ignore sibling squabbles unless there's blood. No good comes of a parent getting involved.

Children need to understand parents are not robots and get upset too its not going to screw up your children if you fail to act like mary fucking Poppins for a day

A bit of boredom is good for children. It helps them develop creativity and inner resources.

Do nothing and make it clear that their behaviour is the reason you don't like them very much today. You just don't understand how two people you love dearly can make the house feel so horrible. Then go sit in the garden with a cuppa and a book and ignore them. Stuff trying to placate them by jumping through more entertainment hoops.

I do occasionally punish the 6 year old only, Especially if it’s only/mainly her instigating.

However I have found joint consequences more effective because then they have to work together. Also the 8 year old responds by hitting often which I think needs to have a consequence even if it’s because his younger sister said something silly ir stuck her tongue out. So it’s a mix of her starting with comments fans faces then him overreacting and having an explosive response.

Today though is a result of the arguments yesterday and today which were a mix of both of them.

anyhow, the point is I usually manage it ok. But today I just don’t have the patience or personal capacity to deal with it.

Oh god this is it.

I do think I make things hard on my self by trying to be super mum some times and yes I suppose them seeing how the result of their behaviour affects me is ok.

also I’m annoyed partly at my husband. I often pick up slack when he is stressed and I calm things. But he is totally incapable of doing that for me. I get stressed and struggle and instead of picking up the slack from me and being the calmer he gets more stressed too and the situation gets worse.

Oh I know it’s childish. like I say I usually deal with it much better. I just can’t do it today. Not sure how to snap back to dealing with it more appropriately because I’m just drained.

I actually think I need to get in the shower, how a break down cry. Then maybe I’ll feel better once I’ve released a bit.

Thanks I will give this a listen.
i think a few new ideas would give the world of good.
I agree punishment are not as helpful. I know the screen time removal has added a layer of tension. Separation is a good idea, maybe give us all a break and different dynamics.

thank you for the helpful reply. It feels useful.

Been there and done it. you have my greatest sympathy.

It won't harm them to suffer for the day.

Actions have consequences and mummy not playing with them is it.

LOL

Sympathy OP. It's tough. I prescribe a secret stash of chocolate.

My DC are older and don't particularly get along, they are just very different people. In their younger years it drove me spare on occasion. I read a book about Siblings, its very popular but I've forgotten the title. Anyway it was basically the gist is to get them to sort their own problems. 'I know you are very upset but also very clever how are you two going to solve this, what would be the best ideas for sorting it' etc. I think I bored them into a truce. When they were particularly hard work I'd tell them that book was going to be their bedtime story 😉

You will get there. They will be brilliant adults able to deal with confrontation and conflict. Just make sure you take time out for yourself.

Please, please make sure you aren't giving your children the silent treatment. I don't think you are, and maybe I am projecting. My mum used to just ignore us, sometimes for a day, sometimes longer, and would barely speak to us. It was awful, and damaging. It would have helped us for her to explain herself instead of punishing us with her emotional absence.

It's a balancing act, isn't it? It's true that children should learn that adults are human too, and aren't Mary Poppins, and that adults have their own interests and requirements, and are not just childcare robots.

But... I don't think a 6yo and an 8yo are going to learn anything valuable from being left to it while you sit on your phone. A bit of boredom is good for kids imo, but you're doing this to make a point, and it's a point which will go right over their heads!

We don’t have siblings, but I really rate Laura Markham’s parenting advice. She has a book called siblings without rivalry (which I haven’t read because it only have one) that may be helpful.

Its unfair to punish them with a shitty attitude, no matter how much it’s justified. You’ve dished out your punishments already. Is there any way you can catch a break today?

Take them out for a run in the sunshine and a paddle in the stream. It'll lift everyone's mood and tire them out so they'll be less likely to argue.

I recognise exactly what you mean. Thanks for sharing your experience. I had similar with my mum so understand.

If I’m brutally honest I think I do at times give the silent treatment. As in I am short with them and try to get space from them. Never for a whole day and I do verbalise (eg say thing like “ I want some quiet time because I’m feel a bit stressed and some quiet time would help). It saddens and shames me that I likely am doing the exact thing you describe. I try not to. I will try to deal with it better, but I guess at a basic level Idont have the skills to cope with my own needs so occasionally act in ways that are u healthy (even toxic). I think what I need in some help. Reality is there is none though. My husband struggles more than me to deal with things in a healthy way, my parents are a shit show. There is no one available to support when I struggle. its nots often, but probably once every 6 weeks ish I have a day where I really struggle.

My kids are polar opposite too which makes things harder.

my son is sensitive, sensitive to noises and touch. Anxious and an inteprovert

my daughter is extremely loud, loves touch/cuddles is an extrovert.

basically she wants to play loudly with him, cuddling etc. He needs his space and time away. She brushes things off, he’s a worrier.

Thanks so much for sharing. About to listen for my 5&3 year old

Similar here between my 5 and 8 year. Absolutely draining 😩 sending solidarity and following for advice!

6 year old went out with dad and I played in the garden with 8 year old. Things calmed. Within 2 mins of being all back together at home an argument erupted again 6 year old over excited splashes her brother in the pool (we have a no splash rule, as neither like it so we say don’t splash if you yourself don’t want to be splashed). She kept doing it then big brother splashed back and she shouted and he shouted.

6 year old is now upstairs sent to her room. I feel like shit again.