Ex husbands wedding

Watermill · 01/06/2022 14:31

On one hand YANBU as it is definitely XH problem to resolve. Ideally he would speak to a reliable family member who is sensitive to DS needs and task them with supporting him throughout the day/weekend.

However, on the other hand, if XH is determined to farm DS out to someone who isn't involved in his wedding ( so isn't close family/friends) I would probably be worried sick about DS and wouldn't enjoy my weekend away anyway.

For now I would push back to XH and suggest someone who can support DS during the event who is attending and reiterate that you are unavailable. I would be willing to back down though for my DS sake if I absolutely had to whilst making a voodoo doll of XH

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/06/2022 14:38

I've said I'm not sure what he is going to do as I'm not at home and not around to provide childcare

Just keep repeating this.

You've made plans to be away; it's his decision to get married on a weekend when he has the kids .

TheMooch · 01/06/2022 14:38

It's shitty but I'd making sure any decisions had my DS9 as priority and not point scoring.
If your DS9 is struggling then I'd make sure he was in a calm safe environment.

It's rubbish for your break away. I have an autistic child and my child would be stressing out and not cope well with being shipped off to others.

JustOneMoreNameChange · 01/06/2022 14:55

I also have an autistic child, and I'm appalled that anyone would plan a family event that one of their own children would be unable to cope with or attend.

I'd probably cancel my plans but take DS9 to the wedding myself. And if anyone tried to stop us, I'd make a bit of a scene about exH excluding one of his children*.

He sounds like a total shit.

I wouldn't really. That would be awful for the child. Maybe I'd pay an actor to infiltrate and interject at the "any objections" part to shout what a shit he was for excluding his autistic child from his wedding.

DolphinaPD · 01/06/2022 14:57

Supernothing22 · 01/06/2022 14:25

Spilt up for just over 3 years, he's gettin married in December. We have two kids 9&5. 9 year old is autistic and struggles in social situations and currently his anxiety is showing in agression.
He has the kids every week ther weekend Friday after school to school drop off Monday, nothing in between and nothing during school holidays. Doesn't swap weekends, said shit happens and life can't be booked in alternative weekends.

The wedding is a Saturday on one of his weekends, when he mentioned the date I told him that it's a weekend I'm away with my partner and friends (it's a rebook due to covid cancellation) he wasn't pleased as he wanted me to pick the kids up after the wedding from the venue. I agreed to come home early but they would need to be brought back to my house by a responsible adult around 4/5pm.

Due to escalating issues when DS is at dads house he's decided that he shouldn't be involved in the wedding at all and he's not to go. Exh is expecting me to cancel plans and stay home rather than arranging something that would make DS comfortable. I've said I'm not sure what he is going to do as I'm not at home and not around to provide childcare so he can get married without 1 of his children there. It's his weekend and he needs to sort an alternative.

AIBU not to drop plans?

I wouldn't even come home early.

Original poster

Supernothing22 · 01/06/2022 18:58

Apparently DS has been telling exh that he's going to say something when they ask in the ceremony, probably why he doesn't want him there.

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 01/06/2022 19:05

Supernothing22 · 01/06/2022 18:58

Apparently DS has been telling exh that he's going to say something when they ask in the ceremony, probably why he doesn't want him there.

😆😆😆 I think your son sounds awesome!

I’d tell your ExH ‘shit happens and you can’t ignore your own children's needs’ your away for the weekend it’s his weekend. And you’ve already been super accommodating by offering to return early.

I wouldn’t return early.

he’s their father he will arrange a suitable alternative for his child or have him at the wedding being watched by a family member most likely.

I wouldn’t bail him out. He never helps you. He’s a responsible adult and a your sons father.
He’ll sort something out if you don’t jumpy in and do the work for him.

StopGo · 01/06/2022 19:07

So Disney Dad does every weekend whilst you do the grunt work in the week. he can't/won't swap anything because "shit happens"?

You would be well within your rights to refuse too budge. However, you won't (anymore than I would), for your child's wellbeing

balalake · 01/06/2022 19:43

It is six months away. Wholly unreasonable to not swap, even if say doing three weekends earlier in the autumn.

Judging by exH's behaviour perhaps something DS might say could be a suitable home truth.

Original poster

Supernothing22 · 01/06/2022 20:00

I'm not here to actually swap though. I've plans, overnight stay and a show that weekend so I can't swap or I'll lose money.

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Original poster

Supernothing22 · 01/06/2022 20:03

StopGo · 01/06/2022 19:07

So Disney Dad does every weekend whilst you do the grunt work in the week. he can't/won't swap anything because "shit happens"?

You would be well within your rights to refuse too budge. However, you won't (anymore than I would), for your child's wellbeing

He does every other weekend not every weekend. No school holidays then gives me shit for putting him in holiday club because I've got to work.

He won't sort anything out, he basically doesn't want him there so he can't ruin it then asked me what I would do if I was marring my partner, he didn't like it when I said do something very small and quiet probably with pizza for a meal to suit DS

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 01/06/2022 20:06

Do you have family that your DS could stay with that weekend?

Original poster

Supernothing22 · 01/06/2022 20:17

aSofaNearYou · 01/06/2022 20:06

Do you have family that your DS could stay with that weekend?

I don't really, I've not got much of a support network.
Other problem is he eems quite happy for youger DS to go but to exclude the older one

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aSofaNearYou · 01/06/2022 20:20

I don't really, I've not got much of a support network.
Other problem is he eems quite happy for youger DS to go but to exclude the older one

I do get that it isn't a great situation, but at the same time it is likely that all of his support network will be at the wedding, so if you DID have supportive parents etc who could have him I would say it was probably worth doing.

Has anyone spoken to your son about why he plans on interrupting the ceremony? Does he have negative feelings about the wedding?

It seems this situation would resolve itself if your son wasn't planning on acting out.

mistlethrush · 01/06/2022 20:22

I would say that, to cancel your plans because of his arrangements, he would need to provide you the money for rebooking your trip and show. I certainly wouldn't allow him to book it for you as he would no doubt cancel it on you. It's completely fair because otherwise you'd be losing money as well as losing the weekend.

I don't think that it's fair on your son to expect him to stay with strangers or go to an event that will create anxiety.

How come exDH doesn't do anything in the holidays?

LIZS · 01/06/2022 20:24

Does ex not have family who could supervise ds at the wedding? Take him out if he interrupts? His problem to solve and he has time to organise something to suit ds.

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 20:25

Can his mum not look after him whilst at the wedding?

I get him worrying about having him at his wedding as he won’t be able to relax if he’s got to keep eyes on him the entire time.

I recently looked after someone who’s entire family and friends attended a funeral
as they didn’t want his meltdowns to be an issue and they didn’t want to walk on eggshells around him.

But his wedding is the most important day of his life and I can’t imagine him not wanting his own son there.

Kitkatcatflap · 01/06/2022 20:30

What about the relations on his side, grandparents, aunts/uncles? If they are having a big wedding, there must be someone to can be there for your son.

I also think you are mad to come home early. I'm usually loathe tit for tat but he is doing the minimum, why are you doing him favours when he wouldn't do the same for you. Not seeing the children outside 'his' weekend and leaving you responsible for all school holidays and childcare is shoddy behaviour.

If he can sort out a responsible adult to deliver them to you for the weekend, he can sort out a the responsible adult to be around to make your son feel comfortable.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/06/2022 20:31

Sounds like he needs to reorganise the wedding for a different weekend to me. I’d suggest that and be willing to drop DC off and collect for the rearranged wedding.

Original poster

Supernothing22 · 01/06/2022 20:34

Kitkatcatflap · 01/06/2022 20:30

What about the relations on his side, grandparents, aunts/uncles? If they are having a big wedding, there must be someone to can be there for your son.

I also think you are mad to come home early. I'm usually loathe tit for tat but he is doing the minimum, why are you doing him favours when he wouldn't do the same for you. Not seeing the children outside 'his' weekend and leaving you responsible for all school holidays and childcare is shoddy behaviour.

If he can sort out a responsible adult to deliver them to you for the weekend, he can sort out a the responsible adult to be around to make your son feel comfortable.

He's an arsehole who will quite happily book himself a 3 week holiday outside of school holidays as it cheaper but say it's too expensive to take the kids away in the this country. I can't repay on him even when he does organise stuff as he will let DCs down at the last minute.

All his family are going and apparently they are going to have a drink, because you know it's a wedding, o won't be able to supervise children.

OP posts:

decayingmatter · 01/06/2022 21:47

Not your problem. Don't let him turn his problem into your problem.

Just like the entire school holidays seem to be your problem.

Brightfuture71 · 27/03/2023 17:39

Exhusband is marrying the other woman next week. She is wife no.3. Our 2 kids live with me fulltime. He has taken the kids for 1 weekend in 4 years. I gave up asking him to watch the kids 18mths ago as he always had an excuse. Usually "that he works Saturdays" although I know this is untrue. He hasn't seen our son in over a year and just sees our daughter once a week. Prior to this he didn't see our daughter for 18 months just our son. Apparently he can't cope with both kids when they fight. My daughter 13, is going to his wedding but or son 16 hasn't been asked. Its awful really. His family are all going to the wedding and are delighted for him. They know he rarely sees the kids but I suspect he has told them it's because I make things difficult. I would happily let the kids stay with him every weekend as I could really do with a break. 4 years and no family close by to help. Our son has autism. Tried meditation etc but he didn't stick to the schedule and then covid/lockdown so couldn't see the kids he said but managed to see his girlfriend. My mind is tormented by his actions and although I am happy to be rid how he treats the kids is always on my mind.