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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be severely worried for my two-year-old son

50 replies

tiredstressedanddepressed · 31/05/2022 20:39

NC for this.

My DS, 2, has started head butting and hitting himself. He’s 2 years and 2 months and he does not yet have any words, he isn’t great with communication, he doesn’t listen, and I believe the head butting is out of frustration.

It started about three weeks ago very randomly, but we’ve always been able to step in to stop him and explain to him why we do not do that (which I am not sure whether he is taking in or not).

Last week while he was at my mum’s for the night, the following morning he started violently head butting the floor and my mum finally got him to stop and cuddled him for 45 minutes whilst waiting for us to get there at 7am. His head was black and blue and he was bleeding. There was no trigger and he normally loves spending time with my mum.

I got him checked over by the GP and called my health visitor but to be honest they have been useless, don’t know why he’s doing it and have told me to consider getting him a helmet. He has hit himself to the point of a nosebleed, and every time he is upset or frustrated he head butts the floor, the door, me, his dad, anything he can. He also smacks himself in the head over and over.

I have done everything I possibly can - he’s been referred to a paediatrician, he’s been referred for a hearing test, he’s been referred for speech and language therapy, he has been referred to a group for toddlers who can’t talk yet, I call the nursery every time he’s there to check on him, I don’t leave the room or I take him with me so that he’s not on his own, he’s been referred for a PORTAGE worker to help him at nursery. He has been referred for an autism assessment. I am so sad for him and so scared because it’s so overwhelming. I’m trying to get him as much help as is possible.

He didn’t do well at his two year check and basically scored negatively in every aspect of communication. We do so much with him and pay him so much attention and do fun things like drawing and reading, fun afternoons at farms and soft plays, play dates with his best friend, I point to my lips when I talk to try to get him to echo me, I try to do exercises with him to get him to copy me but I get nothing. We had a break through the other day when he started copying me building bricks but it was short lived.

He throws EVERYTHING he can get his hands on and doesn’t listen when we go to stop him.

He is so bright though, and he has learned to communicate with me in other ways such as by leading me to everything he wants to do, pointing to what he wants, taking my hand and taking me to things he wants, he CAN communicate, he just desperately wants to talk and I do too.

The nursery has even told me that when he is sad or happy he points to the mood chart to tell them
what emotion he is feeling.

I’m not sleeping properly and I feel constantly on edge. On top of this I am dealing with chronic health issues, am awaiting surgery (terrified of being in hospital without him), and am the sole earner.

I am so overwhelmed and stressed, which is an understatement. I’m putting on a brave face but inside I am crumbling and feel so scared.

I wasn’t sure whether to post this but I really need a hand hold. Seeing my child repeatedly hurt himself has been so awful and I’m constantly on edge for when he’s going to do it next so I can intervene.

I’m getting barely any support beyond the referrals, I have nobody to talk to, the nursery are great but they only have him for 6 hours per week (two short afternoons).

He also has massive sensory issues with food and has gone from eating everything to being very fussy over the last six months, which is why the nursery won’t have him in at lunch times because he has a complete and utter meltdown. Dinner times have become so hard.

We are a calm household, a loving household and I love my DS so much and we have such a special bond. He is a very caring and affectionate boy and plays alongside other children very nicely. Besides the communication side and eating he is thriving and I believe he is very intelligent.

I believe he might have autism/ADHD and although he’s been referred I’ve been told it’s unlikely they’ll diagnose a 2 year old.

But at the moment this is hard, I am scared, I feel numb and I just need a hand hold.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/05/2022 22:13

Hi OP, this sounds like my son 9 years ago and indeed much the same now. He has a diagnosis of autism and more recent combined type ADHD. I think you need to see your GP again. I would also go back to HV. It was my HV who picked up possible SEN. Early diagnosis meant we are in a much better place now

Lougle · 31/05/2022 22:14

When DD1 was small I was told to limit language to key words. Saying something like "let's go to the shops and get some yummy food so that we can have a nice lunch" would translate to "blah, blah, blah, shops blah blah, blah, food..."

So we learned to use key words. "DD1, shoes". "DD1, car", etc.,

FrecklesMalone · 31/05/2022 22:20

It's very hard to see your child deliberately hurt themselves or others.
Ds went through this, he is autistic and at 16 is wonderful. Yes it's been hard at times, and he is verbal and able. It all got easier with age and acceptance on our side and his.
You sound like an absolutely wonderful mother who is doing all that they can. You will have moments of doubts and difficulty but you sound amazing.

1AngelicFruitCake · 31/05/2022 22:22

You sound wonderful! He sounds bright to be able to point to his moods on the chart.

MadamNoo · 31/05/2022 22:25

Sorry this is so hard. I second the Makaton suggestion. Ds with delayed speech was so relieved when we started with a private speech therapist and she taught him some signs

Misty999 · 31/05/2022 22:31

My son was a headbanger it's quite common, in my sons case it was frustration, temper and for attention he grew out of it. The health visitor told me not to worry and he couldn't do it hard enough to hurt himself I think I used to put a cushion down when I could see him starting as he mainly banged against the floor. My daughter is also starting to tantrum and looks like she may well be a headbanger as well.

ScrubUpWellInMySundayBest · 31/05/2022 22:33

Hi, this is really hard to go through. My DD has Down Syndrome (age 4) and very limited speech and sometimes headbutts when she is frustrated she can’t tell me something. I also came here to say try PECS or Makaton. Makaton has been amazing for my DD. You’ve done so well to get all the referrals in place, you are doing everything you can.

ohnonotyetplease · 31/05/2022 22:44

What a lovely, smart, nurturing, attentive parent you are.
I second the suggestion of cranial osteopathy - although it's not available on the NHS. My daughter does not have the same issues, but other stuff to contend with and we found that getting her and me some homeopathic remedies helped enormously to balance us, calm us, help with sleep and mood too. (Some say it's nonsense but you can't fake results in a child, so that speaks for itself. I can tell you from that alone it's effective)
Wish you the absolute best. You're doing such a good job, wish every child got that much love and input. Hugs x

Booyakaintheplace · 31/05/2022 22:50

I'm late to the thread and PP's have covered everything I would have written myself advice wise, but just know you're not alone.

My DS (4) was just like your son at his age. The headbanging used to worry me sick. He was diagnosed with autism the week before his third birthday.

He can speak now (was completely non verbal until 3.5) and the headbanging happens alot less as he has learned to express his emotions with words.

It feels like such a daunting place to be but I promise you you will adjust and you will manage (we just have to don't we?)

pigwood · 31/05/2022 22:51

You are right to be very worried , but you clearly are doing absolutely everything you can . I made the mistake of thinking this or that toy or experience would stimulate my daughter out of it , so to speak , but I learned to let go of the stress of that, and just try to enjoy doing what he likes with him . Is there any chance you could see a private paediatrician? The wait to see one for my daughter initially was around six months wait 2004 and I believe it's probably a lot worse now

Evocatio · 31/05/2022 22:53

Mine is about to turn three, and all I can say is been there, done that. God he's had some horrible phases. Headbutting doors, floors, walls. Biting his own arms. He went through a stage of ripping out his own hair and boy he did a number on it, his gorgeous curly blonde locks replaced with huge bald patches and scratches, he used to constantly have a bleeding head. He bit other kids, thumped a lot, was aggressive and self harmed a lot. I was convinced there was something seriously mentally wrong. Over time his speech improved, and he began to chill out more and more. He's (mostly) lovely now, and doesn't hurt himself anymore. I spent so many nights crying in bed. You really aren't alone. It's absolutely shit. Xx

Evocatio · 31/05/2022 22:54

Also it doesn't always mean a diagnosis, I did have him assessed and there were no concerns. His speech is incredible now and he's a bright, kind boy, very social, very empathetic. He was just a vile toddler

tootiredtoocare · 31/05/2022 22:58

Portage are brilliant - they will have resources for you to access and can introduce you to parents groups and support groups too, as well as professionals. Do you use Makaton? There are helpful videos online, and again Portage will be able to help with training for you both. Using it consistently is the key, even if he doesn't respond with the signs, it does have an impact on his understanding and communication.

Strawberriesaregreat · 31/05/2022 23:06

I really hope you get some support soon. In the meantime maybe Google snoozeloom and you may find some ideas for creating a calming haven for him maybe on a cheaper scale although it sounds like you have that already. Also youy mum sounds like a great support. Hang on in there, you're doing ok. He's lucky to have you.

oakleaffy · 31/05/2022 23:13

@tiredstressedanddepressed
Our DS was “ A headbanger”
He started to bang the bars of his cot if he wanted lifting out
he’d eye up the rail ( Which I’d padded ) and go “ Bash bash BASH” with his top part of forehead.

Health visitor said “ A headbanger” at the bruises DS had on his upper forehead
We were at my parents house ,and he headbutted their quarry tiled floor in the kitchen.

It sounded like someone dropping a coconut.
It was horrible!
Ds naturally cried loudly, but after that… stopped head- butting.
Much to our relief.

There was a song called “ Headbutt” that reminds me of This time..

Overthewine · 31/05/2022 23:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

WatermelonSugarEye · 31/05/2022 23:18

To be fair to your GP, they do seem to have made the appropriate referrals for you.

Superslide · 31/05/2022 23:25

I haven't read the whole thread but have you tried Makaton signing?

I signed to my two when they were babies before I discovered that they were autistic. I'd do the sign as I said the word. I even made up my own signs for them! They are older now and still sign when they are unable to talk due to anxiety.

I also wanted to say as a Mum if two autistic children, it's not the end of the world. Yes, sometimes life is challenging but they are fab kids and I wouldn't swap them for the world! Being autistic isn't always a bad thing.

The throwing things could be a trajectory schema. Give him soft things to throw like soft balls, bean bags or small plastic soft play balls.

Aaaabbbcccc · 31/05/2022 23:35

Nothing to add other than sympathy and support. You sound like a lovely caring mother with so much on your plate.

BlankTimes · 01/06/2022 02:37

You're doing so much already that I'm sure he'll be fine.
Have browse through this site OP.
www.theottoolbox.com/
You'll learn a lot about what his triggers are and how to help him cope.

toucaninjapan · 01/06/2022 03:35

I'm sorry it's so tough... I hope things will get better soon.
Not so long ago when DC would have tantrums and sometimes throw themselves on the floor, I consulted our doctor on what is regarded as dangerous behavior in need of urgent help and what not, and he told me that if a child starts banging their head or hitting it with their hands, that's in most cases a sign of pain in the head and they do MRI in such cases. At least that's what they do in Japanese hospitals. I wonder if you could also do that OP.

StormyWaterCloud · 01/06/2022 04:19

Search for a behaviour consultant- one registered with the UK society for behaviour analysts. They really helped a friend of mines DD

Original poster

tiredstressedanddepressed · 01/06/2022 06:45

I’m so sorry, I got an early night because I was exhausted! Thank you so so much for all of the kind comments I so appreciate it. it’s really needed at the minute.

it wouldn’t change a thing if my son is autistic, right now I just want to know what’s going on is the main thing, it’s so difficult not knowing.

at the moment the nursery are teaching him Makaton and we’re just starting. I’m so glad to know it’s helpful and hope that it will be helpful for DS.

it’s so comforting to know I’m not alone in what is happening and for all of the advice. I really appreciate it so thank you.

OP posts:

Mamette · 01/06/2022 06:54

he has learned to communicate with me in other ways such as by leading me to everything he wants to do, pointing to what he wants, taking my hand and taking me to things he wants,

He does sound very bright and you sound a lovely mum. I echo pps suggestions of Makaton/ signing. DS2 has a speech disorder and went through a period of being incredibly frustrated. I hope the head banging is just a brief phase OP.

ohnoohnoo · 01/06/2022 06:58

I could have written this myself last year about my DS. He would hit his head so hard he would put holes through the plasterboard. He is now just over 3 and has finally started speaking (only some words) and honestly things have improved sooo much!
We are still under paediatrics and speech and language because his development was delayed but he is coming on leaps and bounds. So trust that it will get easier, as soon as he learns to communicate things will settle down.

A few things that we found helped a bit were teaching baby sign language so he could communicate his basic wants and needs. Picture cards that he could point to. We also invested in a padded helmet type thing, he hated it but it stopped him from hurting himself as much as he was.

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