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AIBU?

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Original poster

Starting toddler at playgroup 1 month after new baby

19 replies

Mamabear04 · 31/05/2022 16:12

DD will be 2.8yo next month and has never been left with anyone other than myself, DH and DP. She will start nursery part time the term after she turns 3yo. I want to help her transition and thought a playgroup would be a good stepping stone working up to nursery. I've found a really nice one that has space for her the month after I'm due to have our next baby. The staff at the playgrroup are aware that she will be going through a big change and said that i can make a gradual retreat, starting with just leaving her alone for 10 mins or so and building it up. She would just be going one morning a week which might make it tricky to do this.

I've also ready you shouldn't make any big changes 3 months prior/post big changes but I'm worried that it will be a shock going to nursery without any experience of similar social settings (we go to mum and toddler groups but the difference would be I wouldn't be there) and I thought this might be a better transition as there will be less kids/manic noise etc. What do you think? Is it a bad idea? We visited the playgroup this morning and DD enjoyed playing with the toys but was nervous around the adults (normal behaviour for her) but I just felt so much guilt! The thought of leaving her there and then having the new baby! How can I help her? What should I do?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2022 16:53

How long would she actually be at nursery? I presume if she's 2.8 her birthday is August? So she'll start a few weeks after turning 3? Or is it Sept birthday so she wouldn't start until Jan? And where is the birth in that time line?

Theyellowflamingo · 31/05/2022 17:23

Personally I’d leave it until she starts nursery after Christmas (I’m assuming she’s 3 after Sept 1st) - or I’d go for playgroup wholeheartedly at least 2-3 sessions a week and forget about nursery. One session a week really isn’t enough to settle easily and learn the routine (plus often there’s whole week themes/projects they miss out on going that sporadically) and I think it’s a bit much to expect her to settle into one nursery type environment then move her a term later, especially with a new baby in the mix as well. She’ll be that much older, which I think really helps their understanding of what’s going on, ability to communicate with other adults and interest in peers.

OwlinaTree · 31/05/2022 17:25

Once a week is probably not often enough for her to settle at that age. I tried this on mat leave, when I upped it to two mornings a week it worked much better!

Petmalex · 31/05/2022 17:42

My DS1 has never been left with anyone else but me and DH. He was 2yr 5m when he started Rainbows 3hrs per day x 5days a week. He was 2yr 8m when DS2 arrived. He's now 3yrs 1m. Absolutely perfectly fine. You'll be surprised how resilient they are to change and will end up loving their little bit of independence.

Original poster
Mamabear04 · 31/05/2022 22:22

So DD will be 3yo in Nov so start nursery in January and the hope is she would go x3 mornings a week. The play group would be one day a week for 2.5 hours. I can't use the free hours at the playgroup so would have to be nursery. I guess I'm nervous for all the reasons you have mentioned about it not being enough time/often enough for her to settle in that time and then having to change her anyway. It's just right now she is so shy of other adults - even my best friends who she knows well that I'm just worried about throwing her into nursery unprepared and with no one she knows! Goodness it's so hard to know what the right decision is! The mum guilt is intense!

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 31/05/2022 22:24

If she starts a nursery in Jan there will be other new starters too so that might help. I would just start looking out for toddler groups in church halls and libraries etc that are usually £1 to attend - she will be with you but get used to other children and adults being around. No rush to leave her if you don't have to.

BlackandBlueBird · 31/05/2022 22:27

I would give the playgroup a miss. My oldest started playgroup when my second was about 6 months and it was great. We had months of unhurried bonding and then by the time she started I was really ready for time alone with DC2.

I then put DC2 into playgroup just before DC3 came along, he wasn’t ready, I really regret it.

Birkenshock · 31/05/2022 22:30

One day a week for 2.5 hours is unlikely to be anywhere near enough for her to settle. I wouldn't bother.

Just keep active with her, lots of busy groups where you're there too, but try and keep your distance a bit, so she gets used to a busier environment

NerrSnerr · 31/05/2022 22:32

I think once a week for 2.5 hours will be more stress than it's worth. I'd wait until the new nursery as it's likely you'll just end up dreading the playgroup every week and worrying for the 2.5 hours instead of getting a break

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2022 00:36

You're going to be throwing her in cold anyway whether it's playgroup now or nursery in Jan. And in Jan they'll have a few other kids I ntbe same boat.
Mine will start same time as yours, they don't go anywhere like nursery now, but we do playgroup once a week where its a busy church hall and I encourage them to go off and play. We did a second one but it folded. We catch the bus lots and I always get them to wave bye (curries a lot of forgiveness when they've been really loud and annoying but then wave and say bye as we get off 😂). I have the advantage of school run for older child so they see school Mom's twice daily.

I guess I'm saying I'd work on getting out more. Getting her to say hi to the organisers at paly group or the shop assistant you always see, with you there. Are their family to friends who'd babysit for even 30 minutes or an hour just to see how she goes?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2022 00:36

And I'm mean. Mine Wil use the full 15 hours so it will be five mornings a week

Original poster
Mamabear04 · 01/06/2022 07:19

Thanks for all your responses. It does seem like the over all consensus is not to send her to the play group. I do take her to a mum and toddlers group one morning a week and she is happy to go off and play with the toys by herself. I've been purposefully keeping my distance on these mornings and she loves going only when another adult speaks directly to her she'll hide her face or run to me to hide behind my back. I just don't know what to do. Obviously everything is a phase but she does this even with my close friends and I'm finding it really hard and worrying....

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2022 07:34

Six months is a long time at this age OP. Just keep going, exposing her in a safe way. She might waltz into nursery with no issues or she might not but a good nursery should be able to support with that.

If she could start play group now so she had 6 months it would be different but to get her settled just for a month or two and then pull her out to go elsewhere, I think it will just compound the issues

Topjoe19 · 01/06/2022 08:39

I agree with PP not to bother with playgroup. My DD started the March after the lockdowns, had never been to any sort of playgroup but she settled just fine (I know this isn't always the case). We did a lot of talking about it/reading books/looking at the online video of her nursery layout in the lead up to her starting, not sure if that helped.

DuringDinnerMints · 01/06/2022 08:47

Dd started preschool on the day DS was born. It wasn't ideal. I saw her off to preschool while having contractions, then went to hospital and gave birth at lunchtime. When I got home in the evening, I left baby in the carrier and had a cuddle with DD, asking about her day, making a big fuss over her. I made sure that her big day outshone mine. Then I introduced ds, told him all about DD being at preschool etc. I think as long as you make a big fuss over her, she'll be fine. The novelty of a baby will have worn off for her after a month and she might enjoy getting to play with lids her own age.

orwellwasright · 01/06/2022 09:25

Is this gradual approach recommended? My kid went to nursery at 3. He'd never been cared for by anyone other than me and husband up until that point but I just took him along, give him a cuddle and picked him up at the end of the day. He's a shy boy but he was fine. (He'd been along previously with me to meet everyone).

Obviously kids are different but is this about parental anxiety or actually genuinely about helping children? Leaving for ten minutes at a time. Not making any changes for three months. Playgroups to acclimatise. All sounds a bit neurotic to me.

Original poster
Mamabear04 · 02/06/2022 10:29

Thank you so much for all your responses and words of wisdom! I have decided to put the play group aside for the time being and just go with nursery after she turns 3yo. It just seems so silly to cause everyone unnecessary stress for the sake of one morning a week and in my heart I think it will be more difficult for DD. I guess I need to find more mum and toddler groups in the area! It's so hard because most have waiting lists but I'll persevere!

OP posts:
SafelySoftly · 02/06/2022 10:48

It would not cross my mind to be worried like you are! I would recommend you start getting her used to being left or she will be a clingy mess, part of responsibility of being a parent is teaching independence. Playgroup a great idea I would start immediately.

BlackandBlueBird · 02/06/2022 18:01

I would recommend you start getting her used to being left or she will be a clingy mess, part of responsibility of being a parent is teaching independence

The child is 2. She’s just about to have her entire world rocked with the arrival of a new sibling. There is NO rush to leave her!

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