To ask for help naming this behavior?

[sparklins]

I had a weird conversation a couple of days ago.
Let me preface this by saying it really helps me writing this out on here as it gives me a bit of insight and helps me remember stuff, I have struggled with minimizing feelings and conversations in my head in the past and it really helps when I can categorize/ name something.

Will try to keep a long story short, my DP(arents) struggle with alcohol, especially my DF - I would say functioning is the best way to describe it but only because they are self-employed/own their own business hence have almost no one to answer to day to day.
They have managed to cause quite a bit of damage around them over the years and as a result I am LC with them and have been for quite a while and as of the past few months my DBro has gone NC after living with them for years after I moved out.

Recently DF called me drunk (whilst at work in their office where clients come in any time) and seemed upset, he kept asking me if I could shine a light on why my DB has gone NC with them as he really doesn't know what he can do to make it right. As gently as I could I said that alcohol was the main reason and that there is no ''one specific event'' just a lot of history over the years. When asked for an example I gave one from a couple of years ago of that I know happened to which he got defensive over ''bringing up the past''. Then got super upset/in tears saying that by the sounds of it he never did anything right.
I had to go and then he called me again an hour or so later, DM was then also on the call and he asked me to repeat what I said then they both proceeded to go on a tirade to which the gist of was that they do not think his reasons are reason enough and that DM/DF had it worse when growing up 'insert copious examples and comparisons here' and yet they never did that to their parents. DM said they always walked on eggshells around DB and he expected the world to fall at his feet and they don't understand how he could be treating them this way. Most of the talking was done by my DM who was getting super worked up and emotional over the way he's been treating them - an example of which was they posted a card with a voucher through his door for his birthday (after he has told them multiple times he wants nothing from them) and he proceeded to drop the voucher back off in their office without as much as a word and leave. The reason he dropped it off at the office was because it is on his way to work but of course in DMs head it was spite. They also said lots of stuff about how difficult it was living with DB like it had anything to do with it (of course they do not recognize that the hostility was caused by their behavior). It was all very ''you did xyz'' - ''well he did 'insert unrelated thing that happened at a completely different time''.

I ended up cutting the call short after fruitlessly trying to explain that just because their boundaries are different that does not nullify his.

So basically they called to ask ''tell us what went wrong for this to happen'' and then got defensive when actually being told what they did, proceeded to minimize and not accept the reasons given as they deemed them ''not bad enough'', got annoyed about bringing up the past yet told stories of their own childhood trauma and making comparisons to his.

If you were to try and sum it up - what would you call this type of behavior?
I would really appreciate any insight.

@Wolfiefan I have already said in my previous reply to you that I was NOT at work. Otherwise I would have not even entertained answering the phone.

It is definitely tit for tat or that is how my DM makes it @TheWayoftheLeaf

@FOJN I am doing pretty good with my boundaries actually but thank you for the suggestion, I can see why it might seem like I am not but over the past couple of years I have come on in leaps and bounds when it comes to setting my parameters. The only reason I allowed the call to happen was because I was really curious about how they would run it, I have a habit of overtime minimizing people's behaviors in my head so it was a brilliant reminder that they are just good at pulling wool over peoples eyes.
I stopped it when I had had enough and wanted to get on with something else.

@sparklins adult children of alcoholics are usually people who have never had boundaries respected and while it's good to see you are strengthening yours, I really, really recommend you get professional support if you don't currently have a counselor. The problem with feeling you are doing better is that you don't have a baseline/ appreciation of what's normal against which to measure your progress. Al Anon for families is an excellent support.

DM - once I made it clear that DBs boundaries cant be invalidated just because she feels like they are not good enough she kind of doubled down and started saying how our DGPs have felt about his recent interactions with him and how they are ''upset'' and ''sad'' about the way he spoke about something and she was saying things like ''how are they supposed to feel'' about his alleged behavior. Again this was about something she took completely out of context and DGPs have most certainly not been upset as again I am in regular contact with them and we have talked about this situation extensively.
Not sure what she was trying to achieve by saying that and trying to play on my feelings.

Trying to make topics such as boundaries and other people's reality clear to active alcoholics is a complete waste of your time. You feel you must, and that is why you need professional support here, or Al Anon, or both. You need to learn to let them be, to stop engaging, to stop trying to get through to them.

They are alcoholics. What that means is that other people are not real to them. Alcoholism renders its victims profoundly selfish, profoundly unable to see anyone else as a real person. All they care about is protecting their own drinking. There is no relationship with anything but the booze. Reminders that you and your brother are real and deserving of respect and love will be batted away because those reminders are a threat to the drinking.

You can't let them get into your head as you have done here for any reason - be it curiosity, a desire to give your rational brain evidence to form a conclusion about their behaviour, whatever.

Do not engage with them while they are drunk. As long as you are willing to do this for any reason, you are allowing them to breach your boundaries. Just the mere fact of them picking up the phone and dialing your number while drunk shows how little respect they have for you. Do not let them get away with this.

As soon as you realise they've been drinking, tell them you're going to hang up because they're drunk.

Do not engage with them if they are sober either (whatever that means for an alcoholic) if their conversation involves your brother or other relatives. Triangulation is unhealthy, even if you are fighting DB's corner. Tell them you are not going to discuss your brother or anyone else with them. Stick to your guns.

They will try to drag you into dramas so that you will bolster their agenda, which is that they are normal, there is nothing amiss with them, everyone who says there is and that they have mistreated them is wrong, and sparklins agrees with us, so there.