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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex giving away our kids stuff to new GF

26 replies

Witchyface · 31/05/2022 12:09

Not sure if I am being a jealous old cowbag here. Feel free to hit me with it.

Split up but he's stalled the divorce as he wanted to keep the family home for himself and needed to save up to buy me out. (I won't be getting 50:50 either more like 25% after 25 years but that's another story.) I moved but he did not want to split all the stuff at the time - eg the sentimental stuff like photos, baby boxes, stuff in the loft etc and it was agreed we'd sort this out at the time of the divorce.

We both been on our own for a while. He introduced a new partner to our 4 teenage DC. According to the DC she is significantly younger, prettier, thinner, more intelligent and pretty much better than me in every single way. (I am actually happy he has moved on - I instigated the split but nobody else involved on either side). None of that is a surprise - men in their late 40s typically want to date women 10-15 year younger than them. DC spend a lot of time telling me how great she is and spend a lot of timing complaining my house is too small, I have less money than dad etc.

What I am a bit miffed about is that ex gave his new GF's preschool child, sentimental things I had put away from our DC in memory boxes, some of my DC's books (again I had put away for when they had their own kids), one of their christening outfits and very strangely some of my books (rare and valuable).

OP posts:

OvOvO · 31/05/2022 12:21

I'd be more than just miffed I'd be round that house like a shot raising merry hell and as an aside your teen kids sound very unkind!

Justcallmebebes · 31/05/2022 12:38

I too would be furious. Can't you arrange to go round sooner and sort out and divide up your belongings?

Why are you're kids so mean to you OP? I'd drop them off at their dad's if everything there is so much better

Thelnebriati · 31/05/2022 12:38

YANBU, tell him to get your stuff back.

Brefugee · 31/05/2022 12:57

I would be round like a shot getting the things back and taking everything that needs to be looked through to my place and do it myself.

I may take her a book on nursing an elderly partner though, to make up for not having my nice books.

lassof · 31/05/2022 13:02

You need to sort this out or stop caring.
Go get the stuff back or write it off and move on. This bit, where you let things happen but feel bad about it, is doing you no good at all
If it's too hard for whatever reason to get the stuff back then reframe it as a declutter and move on
And tell your kids off for comparing you like that! It's out of order and they should be told!

MermaidSwimming · 31/05/2022 13:05

Contact him and arrange to go and get your things and the sentimental stuff you want, your DC sound like they need a chat about manners and how they talk to you as well

jevoudrais · 31/05/2022 13:07

I'd go nuclear over that!

ShippingNews · 31/05/2022 13:14

The time to take your sentimental things was the day you moved out. Leaving your precious things " until the divorce" was not a good move. You need to take your stuff - go over asap and get it all. And your kids need a lesson in manners as well.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 31/05/2022 13:16

Your kids could show some sensitivity.

averythinline · 31/05/2022 13:20

Why did you leave your things there??
Why have you only got 25%..
Id be setting my teens to rights if they moan your house is small...so rude..just tell them the truth thqts what your left with
You need to organise getting the things you want out of the house..
And move on with your life.....get your dc to see you moving on....

Notaneffingcockerspaniel · 31/05/2022 13:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

KarmaStar · 31/05/2022 13:32

Insist he returns all of your belongings immediately.list everything.
Then make an arrangement to go round and take your stuff and half of the kids stuff.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 31/05/2022 13:36

Go get your stuff back. And sit down with the kids and tell them to stop being so mean and hurtful - as teenagers, they are more than old enough to know better.

jackstini · 31/05/2022 13:51

1 - go get all your stuff back. That's stealing and illegal

2 - go get a good solicitor! Why on earth would you only get 25%? What's the custody split?

Cherrysoup · 31/05/2022 13:58

Insist he returns everything now, he has stolen things!

letsnotdothat · 31/05/2022 14:01

Your DC aren’t very sensitive are they? They’re old enough to realise it’s probably upsetting for you hearing them go on about how amazing/pretty/young his new GF is and they shouldn’t be drawing up comparisons between homes either.

Your ex obviously shouldn’t be giving her your things, tell him you want them back.

JanglyBeads · 31/05/2022 14:03

Are you surprised at him or not?

5foot5 · 31/05/2022 14:09

Exactly how old are these teenage DC? If there are four of them then at least done of them should he old enough to have more sensitivity and concern for their mother.

And go round there and raise hell about those belongings

Polly271220 · 31/05/2022 14:11

I've voted you are being unreasonable
Why the fuck are you accepting 25% and your significant things being used! Grow a pair and challenge the twat

CaptSkippy · 31/05/2022 14:21

Time to get a lawyer, OP. Get this thing properly sorted so you can move on. Have you paperwork of the stuff he gave away?

caringcarer · 31/05/2022 14:32

Why are your DC being so horrible to you? I would not tolerate them speaking to me in that way. I would sort them out first. Then go over and collect DC's memory boxes and your things. Tell ex he can't be trusted to look after them for DC so you are going to do so. And he better get your books back or you will take him and his ngf to court for theft and receiving stolen goods.

Original poster

Witchyface · 31/05/2022 16:14

Thanks for replies.

Yes I really should have sorted out my stuff by now.

I've been ill with a progressive chronic illness - meaning that 1) I don't have much energy 2) DC don't find me any fun and 3) I can't care properly for DC so I have them less time than their dad.
DC see me as boring. I can only afford a small house, a boring car etc etc and even the free stuff like going for walks/doing stuff is not possible often as I have been ill. I can't do basic stuff like cooking most of the time. (So a drain on anyone around me.) I am working but not sure when I will have to retire medically.
No benefit to me having more money from divorce. DC want to stay in family home and I can make that happen.

OP posts:

JanglyBeads · 31/05/2022 16:43

What exactly does your settlement say about splitting possessions? You talk about sorting the sentimental stuff at the time of the divorce but old rare books of yours presumably don't come under the heading of "sentimental"?

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Do you think he's given these things to the child to purposefully hurt you or is he just completely unthinking?

lassof · 31/05/2022 17:52

Sorry to hear about your chronic illness. I wonder if your ex would give your joint money away to others as freely as he gives your possessions? Perhaps reclaiming both money and stuff then gifting it directly to your own children might be better?

GoodThinkingMax · 31/05/2022 18:17

Totally outrageous. YANBU

And you're being very good in putting up with your DC falling for the Disney Dad routine.

Why do you think you'll only get 25% of the proceeds of the family home? In a long marriage the assumption for property division & pensions etc, is 50/50. Get yourself over to Relationships and get some recommendations for a SHL (shit hot lawyer). You deserve it!

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