To think sex shouldn't have to stop when you're pregnant.

[Beautifulnightmares101]

I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant, and so far my partner and I have had sex 5 times.

I've always had a high sex drive when in a relationship (but can go years without when single easily).
When we first got together his sex drive was also very high, talking 2-3 times a day, would often wake me up in the night to have sex, which was euthoric for me.

After a few months it did start to dwindle off that number a bit but we would still be having sex a few times a week.
After moving in together a year ago, it slipped to not even once a week, sometimes going a couple of weeks without sex.
I would try and get things going but there would always be some excuse like he's tired, not feeling well, too much going on in his head (family issues or something)
I tried not to let it upset but I always felt rejected, so I stopped trying.

I found this really hard and we talked about it a few times, I explained sex within a relationship for me is how I feel loved and attractive to my partner, and it makes me feel close to them.
Things looked like they were getting better, and apart from this we didn't really have any issues and wanted to start a family together. I'm very much in love with him.

Fast forward to falling pregnant, and he was now too scared to have sex in case it causes issues with the pregnancy. It took 6 weeks and a very heavy amount of seduction on my part to get him to stop worrying and give it a try.
I bled a little after which he noticed when cleaning himself, and I explained this is completely normal, but this really freaked him out with concern over the baby.

Once we had our scan and he could see everything was okay, I was hoping this would change things and we've had sex a few more time since but I'm now just wondering if this is what our lives together will be like.

We are both late 20s and both put on a bit of weight (a stone for me, 2 stone for him) around the time the sex started dwindling, so I'm wondering if it's his weight that has lowered his sex drive.
He always calls me beautiful and shows his love for me in other ways, and I know he is not having an affair as its almost impossible to get him to leave the house without me, and he barely looks at his phone other than to watch YouTube videos.

I keep trying to get him to commit to going out and doing more exercise (nice long walks) but he had had enough after 20 minutes and wants to go home.
So trying to shift the weight isn't easy, I try and cook healthy but we are both bad for snacking which we are trying to curb.

Sorry this is so long, if there's anyone still reading is there anything you can suggest?
He won't admit it's the weight that's causing the problem, but I'm fairly certain it is as he wouldn't day no to oral if offered everyday as then he wouldn't need to do anything 😅

I guess the other part of my question is also how often did you/are you having sex during pregnancy? Did you partners feel awkward having sex during this time?

Thanks for reading x

If someone woke me in the middle of the night wanting sex I'd not be best pleased*

*Completely misses the point.

Is he certain there are no medical issues that could be to blame?

Does he have a stressful work life? I know when I'm stressed, I don't feel up to much.

I must admit, we didn't have much sex when I was pregnant, especially during the later stages as my bump was big and I soon got a bit too breathless - but it wasn't indicative of any further issues, we're fine

It seems like you have good communication, which is a good sign!

From your post, you clearly had sex issues before you chose to have a baby with him?

Some men do get a bit weird about sex when the woman is pregnant. A man who has a low sex drive anyway is not likely to improve in this situation.

Bleeding in pregnancy is never normal even after sex and should always be reported to the hospital.

sex during pregnancy is fine unless advised otherwise by a HP.

You need to talk to your partner openly.

Tbh, it sounds like while sex and sex during pregnancy is what's on your mind right now, it won't be your biggest problem long-term. How long are you going to be happy with someone who spends all his time at home doing nothing, and sounds kind of lazy and boring?

I wouldn't say his work is stressful at all, if anything it doesn't stimulate him enough. He's not happy in his job and that is something we are looking at changing, but he does tend to switch off as soon as he's finished (unlike me) so I can't see that being the issue.

@Suprima, yes it wasn't perfect.
But as much as a good sex life is important to me, it's not the only thing that is.
I wouldn't choose not to be with him over it, however I would like to try and improve it if I can.

He does enjoy sex, but I know he gets tired quickly and since being pregnant I must admit he does tend to do most of the work as I struggle to be on top.
But I do more of the build up if that makes sense 😅 so I like to think it works out fairly equal.

It just doesn't seem to be as important to him anymore, and I'm not ready to only have sex once a fortnite at my age.
I just worry once baby is here it will be even worse and I don't want it to get to a point where we become placent and happy to accept it never /rarely happening.

It's OK for him to say no if he doesn't want to.

This was a very light pale pink bleed which happened the first time we had sex after conception. My midwife is aware it happened and it has not happened since. Both midwife and everything I have read online suggest this is completely normal due to changes of the cervix.

It might be helpful to add I have had 2 years of abnormal cells on my cervix, and due a biopsy after baby arrives if I test abnormal for the 3rd time, so this could have been a factor however this has not been suggested, if anything everyone has suggested it's completely normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

Did he want a baby? Did TTCing cause strain?

He does enjoy sex, but I know he gets tired quickly

He's not even thirty! You're talking about him like he's nearly 60.

Honestly, if a disparity in sex drive has emerged this soon, before there are any DC/serious health problems, it rarely gets better.

No sex doesn't have to stop during pregnancy however if he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to. That's his pregorative.

It's up to you to work out if it's a dealbreaker for you.

You're completely right of course. And if thess were individual occasions or there was a specific reason for this that we could talk and work through with the hope to returning to more regular sex one day, than that would be fine.

I'm asking for advice as I'm not sure if I'm missing something or could be doing something differently.

If he was to turn around and say to me, he just don't think sex is important anymore and not something he wants to bother with, then to be honest it is something I would need to consider in terms of my future happiness and the life I want to be leading.
But that isn't what he is saying.

It is very confusing for me to go from it being so regular and initiated by him, to so irregular and for a longer time period than I had anticipated.

Last year we talked about wanting children and decided to start TTC from December last year. We were very lucky to get pregnant quickly.

He is overly protective when it comes to the baby eg he won't let me pick up a kilo of potatoes in the supermarket or bend to put them in the trolley.
He worries about people bumping into me of we're out, very worried about me getting covid etc.

But like I said sex was dwindling before we conceived, just more so now.

I'm worried I'm coming across like I'm trying to force him to have sex with me.
Luke I said I early iniate now as I don't want him to feel bad or myself to feel rejected.
I just wanted to see if there was something anyone could suggest or if I should just think this is completely normal whilst pregnant?

We rarely had sex during both my pregnancies. I felt huge and uncomfortable. I also think my partner was a little uncomfortable (similar to yours) so I think it's personal preference. This didn't concern me and we are completely fine and back to normal!

Give him some time and just don't take it personally. Your relationship won't be able to revolve around sex once little baby is here but this is just life! This won't be a reflection on your relationship or how much you love each other.

Like I said, I rarely initiate now

Personally, I understand where you are coming from as I also have a high sex drive. Throughout my previous pregnancies and this one, sex has not become less frequent. I am still having sex with my partner at least 4/5 times a week. However I am still at the early stages, and I know from previous pregnancies that a bump can get in the way of certain activities.

It sounds like your DP has got into a bit of a rut? Has he ever suffered from any mental health or anxiety issues? I only ask as when I was suffering myself I struggled with wanting to go out and enjoy myself and had a lower sex drive during that period. And he sounds like he gets very worried easily and this can really put pressure on someone. I could be completely wrong and am just talking from my own experiences, but could be worth having a chat as it could be something deeper at play here?

Thank you, this is really comforting.

Well done you, do you feel virtuous now?

it's obviously ok for him to say no, it's equally ok for her not to be happy with their sex life & try to improve it. A better option than looking outside of their relationship or being miserable.

Just wait until your baby arrives. Sex probably won't be a priority for either of you!

Two things jump out to me from your OP.

1. He was worried about harming the baby, then you bled during/after sex (which is not normal). So, you dismissed his concerns, badgered him into sex and then, when his concerns were validated, you dismissed them some more...and now he's still worried. That doesn't seem surprising to me. I'd be worried if I were him too, he's allowed to be concerned and you're not helping to reassure him by acting like his (very rational) concerns are irrational.


2. You keep badgering and nagging him about losing weight and exercising more. This probably makes him feel very unattractive. Given your high sex drive, he probably feels more like your dildo than your partner. Women who post on here aren't all giddy to jump into bed when their DH's harass them about their weight - why would your DH want to have sex with you when you make him feel unattractive?

He doesn't owe you sex and, truthfully, it doesn't sound like you're very nice to him. You don't respect his decisions, you don't listen to his concerns, you invalidate his worries and you make him feel bad about himself - I don't think he finds that sexy. Do you think you maybe treated him with more respect at the start of your relationship?

*@Suprima, yes it wasn't perfect.

But as much as a good sex life is important to me, it's not the only thing that is.

I wouldn't choose not to be with him over it, however I would like to try and improve it if I can.*

When sex is the problem, it eventually becomes the only problem- however good everything else might be.

As you go on to rightfully worry, a baby is unlikely to improve your situation. You’re hardly going have more sex once the baby is here if he was unbothered about it now/before. You also may find yourself with some body confidence issues after pregnancy which may lead to you feeling further rejected and unwanted.

Seeing as you have tied yourself to this man despite not being fully satisfied with your sex life and want to stay- you do need to get used to self-pleasure and ensuring that you have a catalogue of things that make you feel good about yourself. A partner with a low sex drive kills your self worth if you are not matched.

As you can see from the countless threads on here when it’s women with a low sex drive who can also take it or leave it, but mostly leave it- this situation rarely improves. You can’t spur people into having sex when they don’t want to. It’s not something that they can ‘work on’, it’s their natural libido.

I’ve been there!

Hello

Not once in our entire relationship have I ever said he has put on weight or needs to lose weight.
In complete honesty, I fancy him now as I did at the very start.

The only reason weight ever came into this is because last year I joined SW as I knew "I" had put on weight and didn't feel sexy. I was worried this was putting him off me.
He has reassured me this is not the case and tells me I'm beautiful, but that he would support me with SW.

We were doing it together in a sense that he wasn't attending group, but he would weigh in at home on the same day as me so we could see our losses etc.
He only started doing this with me as "He" felt uncomfortable with his weight gain like I felt with mine.
Just as he reassures me he loves and finds me attractive, I do the same for him.
Not that this is any of your business, but I do lots of things for him and I know he appreciates these, like washing his hair when he's in the bath which he loves and makes him feel loved.
We stopped SW once I was pregnant and the weight has crept on rather than off.
He could gain another 3 stone and I would still love him, I love his heart not his bmi.
That doesn't stop me from feeling sad about a lack of sexual intimacy though.

We always talk about our concerns and issues, the only reason this one is still on my mind is because is it ongoing, and to be honest I'm greatly regretting posting on a forum as you seem to get people comment really strange things about something they know nothing about.

With regards to the bleeding, I didnt dismiss this at all. I reassured him, spoke to the miswife on the phone whilst he was home so he could listen.
Two people have told me this is not normal, many more have told me it is and when you take into consideration my abnormal cells on my cervix, probably even more normal for me. But it only happened the once, was extremely light, I barely noticed it he only realised when using a wet wipe on himself. It was not enough to even show in my knickers.

Lastly I do not harass him at all about this, as I said prevously I would not want him to feel bad. Does that make me a bad person for wanting to ask advice and see if there is something I can do?

He has told me on many occasions I am the kindest and most generous person he has ever met, so thankfully your very nasty comment does not make me feel less of a person.
I hope you have a lovely rest of your day.

A lot of posters on here have big issues around sex, it’s like a badge of honour to have no libido and prefer a cup of tea to a shag, which explains some of the snippy replies you’ve had.

We had loads of sex when I was pregnant and carried on like that after the baby was here. It’s not weird or unhealthy to enjoy shagging your spouse despite what some people seem to think.

I had a very medicalised pregnancy and having sex was one of the things that most made me feel like myself and connected to DH. So I totally get why you’re upset.

I think the issue is it was already dwindling before you got pregnant and I think you need to have a proper chat about how you’re both feeling before things fester. A sexless marriage wouldn’t be for me and the ongoing rejection will make you feel like crap and very disengaged from him. It’s odd hes not concerned with his lack of energy and something he should be looking into.

Thank you, this has made me feel a bit more normal!
I was beginning to wonder if I'm some sex mad freak 😅
Yes I think you're right, it definitely is something we need to talk more about.

Another poster said it must be annoying me nagging him about exercising but I don't at all, he often says he needs to move about more and I am the same.
But the problem is where as I would think a nice walk is at least an hour long, to two hours, 20 minutes is enough for him.
So when he suggests going home I don't refuse and we go home.
We both get out of breathe too easily and would benefit from a more active lifestyle.

Maybe I should be a little more forceful and suggests we stay out longer, however csn you imagine the outcry from some posters if I did that!