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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strange men and their unsolicited comments

46 replies

YeOldeNameChange · 30/05/2022 16:54

I’m a female police officer and not much offends me but I am so sick of men’s stupid comments.

Eg yesterday my female colleague and I (both older ladies) were policing an event and the amount of times I got told to smile by men or they do a rictus grin in your face meaning “smile”. Sometimes they’re young enough to be my son! Like seriously FUCK OFF. One day I will just say it out loud.

A female of course never says “smile”.

(We refuse to smile, blank them and say FUCK OFF TWAT under our breath when said Neanderthal has gone)

There is no way a male officer is ever told to smile either by a female or a male member of the public.

Then today, not at work, with a female friend, kids playing. Our kids lost something in the cornfield so ran in to find it. A man informs us that “you do know it’s a cornfield and they’re trampling it”. Jesus Christ like kids have never gone in a cornfield.

No way would he have spoken to my DH at all in such a situation.

Just need to rant and know I am not alone?

OP posts:
WhenDovesFly · 30/05/2022 21:15

If they say "smile" then a simple "why?" Is enough. Put it back on them to explain their inane comment.

The rictus grin I'm not so sure. Maybe an exaggerated wince and "urgh, I'd get to a dentist and get that seen to if I were you". Extra points if you can keep completely dead pan afterwards as you turn away.

littleburn · 30/05/2022 21:33

Oddly enough random men don't walk up to other random men and demand they perform happiness for them ... of course it's total misogynistic arseholness.

littleburn · 30/05/2022 21:36

I'd also imagine that in your professional role as a figure of authority there's also a very strong element of putting the uppity woman in her place too. 'You might have that uniform on luv, but don't go thinking you're anything more than a bit of entertainment for me ...'

littleburn · 30/05/2022 21:37

I'd be curious how many men do this when you're paired with a male officer.

Calphurnia88 · 30/05/2022 21:40

Ugh I have a moody resting face (lol) so have encountered the 'smile, it might never happen' line a LOT, and always from random men... It really makes me cringe, mainly because I'm not sure what response the random stranger saying it is hoping to elicit. It's normally when I'm in a complete world of my own too, so have to ask them to repeat themselves, which just adds to the awkwardness!

Irridescantshimmmer · 30/05/2022 21:58

I have always believed that men who come out with such drivel are like haemorrhoids......... A bit hard to get rid of.

I am sure they are either bored stiff or looking for a reaction.

Wafflehouse · 30/05/2022 22:09

I was out walking with dp (male) once and we were having a conversation where both of us thought we were right about something really trivial but weren’t in agreement. Dp was actually wrong and later admitted it but while we were having the really light hearted ‘argument’ a man walking in front of us turned around and looked at me and told me to calm down.

Nothing said to dp at all, who also didn’t respond to the man but it did start a conversation about this type of behaviour from men towards women which dp hadn’t really noticed before so I hope something did come out of it.

Moonface123 · 30/05/2022 22:24

Try sitting on a checkout, its like a form of torture and this " Smile" crap is probably the comment we have inflicted on us the most, always from a boring man, ( yet never heard a man say it to a male colleague) that and " You look bored". l completely ignore them but one silly women did tell me once " just humour him", meaning her partner, thats her job, not mine.

Aussiegirl123456 · 30/05/2022 22:37

I just give unsolicited advice straight back to them. Like ‘you might want to rethink those shoes with those trousers’ or ‘you really should cut your hair’ or ‘trim your eyebrows’.

9/10 they say back ‘it’s none of your business’ to which I say, ah now you get it.

Notaneffingcockerspaniel · 30/05/2022 23:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

nocoolnamesleft · 30/05/2022 23:30

My "favourite" was some years ago, when I was a junior doctor, and one of the male nurses came out with "cheer up, who died!" I then got told off by the nurse in charge for honestly replying "My granddad, last night" as apparently the poor man felt I'd snapped at him. That was an awful department to work in.

fUNNYfACE36 · 30/05/2022 23:33

YeOldeNameChange · 30/05/2022 16:54

I’m a female police officer and not much offends me but I am so sick of men’s stupid comments.

Eg yesterday my female colleague and I (both older ladies) were policing an event and the amount of times I got told to smile by men or they do a rictus grin in your face meaning “smile”. Sometimes they’re young enough to be my son! Like seriously FUCK OFF. One day I will just say it out loud.

A female of course never says “smile”.

(We refuse to smile, blank them and say FUCK OFF TWAT under our breath when said Neanderthal has gone)

There is no way a male officer is ever told to smile either by a female or a male member of the public.

Then today, not at work, with a female friend, kids playing. Our kids lost something in the cornfield so ran in to find it. A man informs us that “you do know it’s a cornfield and they’re trampling it”. Jesus Christ like kids have never gone in a cornfield.

No way would he have spoken to my DH at all in such a situation.

Just need to rant and know I am not alone?

Woah! Letting your kids trample crops is not on.Any farmer i know would have had something to say about that to anyone-male or female. It is their livelihood ,and i think your entitlement is much worse than anybody saying ' smile'

Jalepenojello · 30/05/2022 23:36

YANBU about the smiling. So annoying

however I’d never let my kids stop around on a crop, so disrespectful

OneTC · 30/05/2022 23:47

Oddly enough random men don't walk up to other random men and demand they perform happiness for them ... of course it's total misogynistic arseholness.

they really do.

This is a power play popular with arseholes. They do it to people they perceive they won't get blow back from. That's often women, but it's also frequently deployed with men they perceive as weaker.

Unpopular opinion on MN obviously but in my life (as a small and perpetually miserable looking man) I've had easily as many women say this to me as men and I've really I've heard it alot

MrsEthelMorningtonCrescent · 31/05/2022 01:13

Totally agree about that thing where men tell women to smile or cheer up, and often get arsey when they don't. Misogynist crap.

Disagree about the cornfield, because where I am from you do NOT go and trample over the crops willy-nilly and locals of any sex/gender (including me) would say something to any one else about that if they saw it, to the children and any supervising parents if they were there.

Aussiegirl123456 · 31/05/2022 01:44

OneTC · 30/05/2022 23:47

Oddly enough random men don't walk up to other random men and demand they perform happiness for them ... of course it's total misogynistic arseholness.

they really do.

This is a power play popular with arseholes. They do it to people they perceive they won't get blow back from. That's often women, but it's also frequently deployed with men they perceive as weaker.

Unpopular opinion on MN obviously but in my life (as a small and perpetually miserable looking man) I've had easily as many women say this to me as men and I've really I've heard it alot

You are actually correct. I’ve seen this plenty of times. Not just for weak men but big men too get told to crack a smile. Probably not half as frequent as it happens to women but I’ve seen plenty of men told to smile. Or to man up and fight back when being provoked. How about no!

TheWayoftheLeaf · 31/05/2022 08:54

Just extend your baton silently when they tell you to smile. Then grin. Beautiful.

LimpBiskit · 31/05/2022 09:37

YeOldeNameChange · 30/05/2022 16:54

I’m a female police officer and not much offends me but I am so sick of men’s stupid comments.

Eg yesterday my female colleague and I (both older ladies) were policing an event and the amount of times I got told to smile by men or they do a rictus grin in your face meaning “smile”. Sometimes they’re young enough to be my son! Like seriously FUCK OFF. One day I will just say it out loud.

A female of course never says “smile”.

(We refuse to smile, blank them and say FUCK OFF TWAT under our breath when said Neanderthal has gone)

There is no way a male officer is ever told to smile either by a female or a male member of the public.

Then today, not at work, with a female friend, kids playing. Our kids lost something in the cornfield so ran in to find it. A man informs us that “you do know it’s a cornfield and they’re trampling it”. Jesus Christ like kids have never gone in a cornfield.

No way would he have spoken to my DH at all in such a situation.

Just need to rant and know I am not alone?

I'm surprised you've not witnessed the sexual harassment of your male colleagues by females, particularly drunk females. This does include being asked to smile and much more.....maybe it's something about the uniform and not gender per se.

WindowCurtain · 31/05/2022 09:45

Heavily pregnant, taking the short walk back from my sweep, where I was told I was 3 cm. As you can imagine I was bit uncomfortable - was told to smile by some random man, the look on his face when I told him I would but I am in labour was hilarious 😂

Its a form of intimidation, I have had men come right up into my face, like inches away and say it.

I once had a man at a bus stop ask me if I could help him write a letter because it was obvious I was some sort of secretary - I am not and even if I was no random man I will not type a letter for you

GenderAtheist · 31/05/2022 10:07

I don’t agree with those posters who say “ oh well maybe it’s not about your sex”.

Of course it is. It’s about putting your in your place. You might think that you are doing a professional job, ensuring public safety etc . But in fact you are only allowed out in public if you are a decorative object for male entertainment.

Sober middle aged women do not go up to male police officers and ask them to smile. I’ve got through my whole life without every asking any randomers to smile. How amazing am I? I actually believe that people around me have the freedom to comgrol their own faces.

Drunk people of either sex are something else. They think their actions are funny and they get annoyed when they can see the police / security staff / transport staff are not amused. Female members of the public have leaned to smile at then otherwise they get insulted or attacked.

Its not amusement , it’s self defence. The police don’t need to pander to them and it sometimes pisses them off.

Saddlesore · 31/05/2022 10:29

There's a bridge nearby that I often drive over. It only has room for one car so drivers have to slow down before it and stop if they see that an oncoming car is already on it as it obviously has right of way. I had just driven on to the bridge when a male driver on the other side raced towards it and realising that he did not have right of way then had to reverse to let me through. If he had approached the bridge sensibly, he could have just waited in the wider part on the other side. As I passed him on the other side of the bridge he shouted "You're welcome!" I obviously hadn't read that chapter in the Highway Code that states "A driver with a penis has right of way over all other drivers. If you obstruct the penis-owner's right of way, you must tug your forelock, wave a well-manicured hand and issue profuse apologies."

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