Should we be living together?

[Kiki105]

I've been with a lovely guy for the past three years but beginning to feel we've reached a stalemate situation. The relationship itself is great but having discussed every scenario of possibly living together I'm not sure he will ever commit. He's always lived on his own, no kids, I have an 18 and 20 year old who he gets on fine with and they with him but this seems to be the sticking point. We live quite close to each other but soon I will be moving house as part of the divorce settlement and will have to move out of town to afford a family home putting more distance between us. He's not even happy in his own home (needs decorating throughout and is procrastinating) so why won't he do something about it. AIBU?

I think it sounds perfect! I wouldn't want to live with someone else's kids.

It depends what is important to you. Is it important to live together? Is it a dealbreaker? For me, it would be. For you it may not be.

If I were him I’d definitely wouldn’t want to be living with your adult kids

Why do you want to live together? If he's not happy in his house, that's his problem. In fact I would suggest that if he can't be bothered to sort that out in his own place, you might find he's not all that proactive about keeping things up to scratch in yours.

Imo many relationships would benefit from the individuals in them living separately.

I think it's a lot to except him to move in with adult kids, it's a totally different experience. It's like the woman of your dreams and a couple of lodgers.
How much of an relationship do they all have atm?

I actually think he’s doing the right thing by being upfront. I’ve recently moved in with my partner and his similar age kids and even though I was really sure I wanted to and the kids are lovely, I’m finding it harder than I thought. Sometimes I feel outnumbered and like the outsider in my own home, and definitely as if my perspective comes last.

Sounds great. There when you want him, not when you don’t.

I wonder if I could persuade DH to get his own house 🤔

He's not even happy in his own home (needs decorating throughout and is procrastinating)

He’s happy enough or he’d do something about it.

so why won't he do something about it.

Probably because he's not unhappy enough to want to live with your adult kids instead. Maybe he’s been hoping they’d move out.

Why are you so keen to live with someone? Your moving now your divorce is through...focus on re-establishing yourself in a new home with your DC. (although he doesnt seem interested) I am always surprised at the sheer number of woman post divorce who are so keen to move in with a man again. I have been with my DH for over 22yrs., he has a life limiting illness and i will never live with a man ever again in my life. Its one large pain in the ass

From having no kids to living with adult kids, I can see his reluctance. Give it some time, you are just moving out of the family home why the rush to make a home with someone. Make it your home first.

I agree too and I love having the bed to myself all week but sometimes I crave more of a commitment from him. I'm pulling both ways.

I should add i do love my DH and he has struggled with his diagnosis. He has discussed me meeting a new man and being upset at the idea and we have laughed about how he has put me off for life. Wanted to add that incase you thought i was a heartless old cow

I didn't think that at all - it must be very hard on you sometimes. It's nice that you've both been able to see the funny side and laugh together about the situation. Stay strong x

Thank you all, I need to appreciate my independence more. Who needs a man hogging the tv remote and snoring in their face every night anyway 🙂

Perhaps he just likes his own space and doesn't want to live with anyone. I do live with my DP and I'm very happy, but I was also very happy when we lived in separate places and it took me a good while to adjust to living with him. If we'd been able to afford it, and he'd said, 'We could just carry on in our own houses and stay over at each other's places a few nights a week' I would quite honestly have been fine with it. I know that's maybe quite unusual, but there are some people who just like to live alone, and maybe your boyfriend is one of them. it doesn't mean he loves you any less.

I would add that, if DP had had two adult children living with him, I would never have moved in with him a million years, however lovely his kids were. I wouldn't resent the fact that he had kids or anything, but I absolutely do not want to live with three other people, ever. I'd go mad.

You make a good point.

If your DC are 18 and 20 presumably it won’t be that long before they move out permanently. If this guy is worth it he’ll still be there then.

I wouldn't want to live with someone's adults kids either, it would change the dynamic way too much.

If you're happy how things are for now, why not revisit things when your kids have moved out?

Is it moving in together that you really want, or is it a sense that he is committed to you? I think there are other ways to be in a committed relationship that don’t involve living together. I wouldn’t want to do it until my son had left home and i wouldn’t want to live with anyone else’s kids either - doesn’t mean I don’t feel committed to my relationship though.

He possibly thinks it's sensible to wait until your DC have flown the nest?

This would make sense to me. It would be very difficult for all involved to suddenly live together with 2 adult children.