To speak to my partner about overweight child

[ItsTooGoodYouKnow]

My partners daughter is 10 and over the past 2 years has increasingly gained weight. I'm concerned for her health as she gets older. She plays sport regularly and is pretty active, loves being out and about. So I'm guessing it's more to do with food.

She eats quite healthily when with us. (She spends half her time with her mum). I'm really not sure what her diet is like there. I do know that they regularly eat out at restaurants.

I can't guess what weight she is. She is in age 13 clothes (she's 10).

It's breaking my heart to see this getting worse and want to help her have a healthier lifestyle, without making it seem like a big deal. Being careful of her feelings.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

Any advice would be great. Just want to make sure I approach it sensitively.

It's really nothing to do with you . Some girls do put on weight as they approach puberty it doesn't mean they will always be over weight. Is she average height or taller for age.
My daughter at 11 was over weight. Healthy diet and exercise, as soon as she hit puberty ot evened out amd she's fine . Unfortunately you can be concerned all you like but this is completely but you need to keep out of it.

Say to your husband 'Have you noticed how much weight child has put on? I'm concerned it's not very healthy and so thought I'd mention it in case you hadn't noticed'. Job done.

My DD was overweight at around that age. At 11/12 she has a massive growth spurt and was back to a normal healthy size and weight. She is 19 now and very slim.

Hadn’t he noticed? Who’s buying her clothes?

You sound like a very caring SM. I would talk to your partner and just make sure she eats very healthily a d does a lot of exercise with you, but without mentioning weight or diets or anything that may trigger already fragile pre-teen sensitivities. Sadly you can’t do much about when she is with her mother.

I have an SD and I'd mention it to my DP if I could see that we were part of the issue that was making her gain weight - like if she was often having treats or takeaways with us.

Nothing major, just "Do you think X has gained a bit of weight recently? Perhaps we should cut down on XXX while she's with us to help with it without making it a big deal?"

I would gently have a chat with DP about your observations, and what you could do together to tackle it. That said, girls often do gain or hold onto weight a lot at this age before a growth spurt and unless obese and clearly struggling with lack of exercise/overeating, it normally rectifies itself within months/year or so.

Don't do what my ex did and blame the other parent - my ex was constantly blaming his ex (DSS mother) on why he was overweight and decided to give her a lecture about his eating habits (without seeing the irony in letting DSS sit on the console all weekend/feeding him adult sized curries). He would also make little comments to DSS about his weight and getting "chubby". I'm sure you wouldn't do anything like that, but just a word of caution!

Don't say anything. It's normal for kids to put on weight just before puberty. Most lose it. And a SM talking about it won't do any good. Her parents have eyes, they don't need you saying anything. I know a couple of girls who became anorexic and had to be hospitalised at age 11.

My son put on a fair bit of weight around that age and lost it all as he grew and decided to cut down on calories and step up his exercise.

Your partner's daughter eats healthily at yours and is otherwise a very active child.

Honestly, where do you see this conversation going? Apart from telling his ex that he thinks that she is feeding their daughter incorrectly what can he honestly do?

Keep being the healthy household, keep encouraging loads of activity and do not make food an enemy or restricted because that will definitely backfire.

She may grow into her bulking up, she may not but unless prompted by her or your partner you do not wade into discussions on her size and healthy/unhealthy habits - unprompted conversations like that never go well.

I don't think this is really one for you to get too involved in. You obviously care about your stepdaughter, but ultimately it's not really up to you what she eats when she's with her mum.

By all means say to your partner, 'I can't help noticing that X has put on a lot of weight. Obviously it's between you and Ex-Wife to decide if it's a problem, and anyway she eats pretty healthily when she's with us, but I just wondered if Ex-Wife had mentioned it to you.' If your partner isn't worried or doesn't want to discuss it with his ex, then so be it. It's up to them to decide. And your partner can't reasonably tell his ex that she needs to feed her child differently, really.

I would also add that it's quite common for kids to get quite chubby around the age of 10/11, especially girls. They're approaching puberty and they seem to acquire the extra fat before their body reshapes itself. I got quite plump and doughy around the age of 10 but it just sort seemed to redistribute itself when my body shape changed by the time I was 12 I looked totally different.

If you felt that your partner was feeding her unhealthy foods then you would definitely be right to say something. The problem here is that you have no control over what the ex does.

Maybe say to your partner that she may be approaching puberty because you think that she may be holding onto a few extra pounds and maybe it's time to make sure there's sanpro in the house and see if it goes anywhere from there?

It may be no harm to give him the heads up that that time is coming anyway.

Yanbu to speak to your h. It sounds like you want to be kind and your concern is for the right reasons.

My son gained weight during lockdown and it's taken until now for him to look in proportion again.

If your household eats healthily and is very active then it sounds like the problem could be with mum's house and that's not a conversation for the faint hearted. A diet of eating out regularly could be a reason but it's impossible to broach it without looking like you're accusing the mum of bad parenting.