Feeling guilty about exh. Long!

[Jadetreesbringluck]

Very long story short....I split from stbexdh almost 3 years ago. Living Seperately almost 2 years now. Reason I left him was he was a big manchild with very poor work ethic. Years of being in and out of work. Never his fault though...

He was working away earning great money but stopped going in last November taking sick days and said he was burnt out
depressed ,& even suicidal. He didn't tell me about this upfront, kept saying he was going to work which was lies. I get it wasn't well but I have compassion fatigue because its always something....bad mental health, bad back, upset stomach, sore arm etc etc etc

Anyway he got a job closer to home but much less money. There 4 months and had about 7 sick days/days off. Decided he couldn't live on the money so got another v well paid job again, started last week. However his car died (again....always buys really shit cars - constant car trouble over the whole of relationship) and he wanted to borrow mine.

I said no because I'm fed up enabling him. He had my dad's van for 1 month. Im away on holidays so my car is parked up at my parents house as they are only 10 mins from airport & gave me & kids a lift. So my car was available I suppose but I'm so sick of having to help him out.

He had my car before & didn't pay toll fees so I got a solicitor letter with 150£ owed that he still has not paid (initial fine was 6£ but he ignored it). This has happened before some years ago to the tune of nearly 700£ that I had to pay over over many months.

He owes me about 3k in child maintenance. While he was working near home on small money I said he didn't have to give me Any maintenance as long as he had the children more. He had them 2 nights a week most weeks.

He said he needed my car as public transport had him getting in 5-8mins late. He told his boss he would be late for a few weeks and boss told him that he was taken on trial basis and it has not worked out...so he has no job now.

This will be my fault now because I didn't lend him my car.

I feel terrible, I'm anxious and upset. I feel like I did the wrong thing.....but where will it end if I keep helping him?

That was long!

(I reported your post as there's a name at the bottom. )
No you're not unreasonable. You've been too nice. Stop it. You have children to support, he is a grown man and will have to take responsibility for himself. You are not his mother.

It's not your fault that a grown adult couldn't arrange his own transport.

It's not your fault that he doesn't leave earlier to get the bus/train

It is your fault that you said he didn't have to pay maintenance. He'll hold you to that even when he gets another new job.

Tell him that your only communication now will be for the children. Don't feel guilty

You have nothing to feel guilty about. He is a grown man, his failure to take responsibility for himself is his failure alone.

I think you need to invoice him the £150 and £700 in car fines and back-date the maintenance. Why should you pay these!

I imagine he phones, texts and emails with tales of woe. You need to look up Grey Rock. Other posters will have good practical advice on how to maintain implementing this. It's about not participating in conversations, not giving sympathy, not giving advice, just nodding, smiling, saying as little as possible. You remove yourself as his source of validation/sympathy/help.

Your children do not deserve an anxious and upset mother. That is not fair. Time you got angry about that. He is depriving his children of financial security AND their mother's piece of mind. Bollocks to that.

You shouldn’t feel guilty as he sounds bloody hopeless. He’s been given countless opportunities to pull his socks up and all he does is look for you to bail him out.
It's his own bloody fault. As you are separated he’s not your problem.