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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to want to marry me

51 replies

SuziSecondLaw · 29/05/2022 17:51

My dp has said he'd get married if I want to. Which is fine, I guess we probably will some day, our toddler dc has his dad's surname, so I'd also like the same surname really.

I've never cared about getting married, still very much not interested in the wedding part, but when I met my dp it kind of clicked for me why people get married..

Am I being unreasonable to want my dp to feel the same, to actually want to be married to me?

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 29/05/2022 17:55

YABU. Just set a date and get on with it.

maythe4thbewithme · 29/05/2022 17:56

Aaaand that's why I refused to have children without being married. I wanted DH to marry me for me not because I was the mother of his child and felt obligated

FlissyPaps · 29/05/2022 17:56

I've never cared about getting married, still very much not interested in the wedding part, but when I met my dp it kind of clicked for me why people get married..

Curious to know what it is that clicked for you?

YarnHoarder · 29/05/2022 17:56

I'm not sure it really sounds like you want to get married and be married either. If it's just the surname (not the legal protection, not being husband and wife?) then why not just book the registry office with a couple of friends/family and do it one afternoon or change your name legally without doing all that. It sounds like a lot of effort for a simple surname change, surely you've already committed to each other by having a child together if you aren't that into marriage (I know this isn't always reality).

Andromachehadabadday · 29/05/2022 17:57

Yes Yabu.

He has told you how he feels. Just because your feelings, regarding marriage, changed when you met him doesn’t mean anything. It’s certainly doesn’t mean you love him more or there’s something lacking.

I don’t want to get married. Doesn’t mean I don’t live Dp

Andromachehadabadday · 29/05/2022 17:58

To be fair you could just change your name by deed Poll if it’s that important

Malariahilaria · 29/05/2022 17:58

Are you financially independent and still working with your own pension?

orwellwasright · 29/05/2022 18:01

Seeing marriage as an opportunity (necessity?) to change your name is kind of missing the point of it.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 29/05/2022 18:02

It doesn't really sound like you want to be married either, tbh.

Original poster
SuziSecondLaw · 29/05/2022 18:03

Yeah I was considering just changing my surname by deed poll, just seems a strange thing to do instead of getting married.

I have been married before, didn't really want to, but he really did, so I went with it. Now I feel like I'm in that situation in reverse.. Which i hate because although my ex was a nice person, I loved him like family really. No passion etc.

I'd always seen marriage as a pointless bit of paper, but when I met and fell for my dp I just really want him to be my husband, it all seems quite romantic all of a sudden. But not to him.. And I can't get the idea out of my head that it's because I'm not 'the one' for him. I feel silly even typing it out, but I can't help thinking it.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 29/05/2022 18:03

My DH wasn’t fussed about getting/being married. But it was important to me - and he knew that. So we did. And I value the fact that he did something for me that mattered to me; I don’t think “oh, I wish he’d felt the same about it”. If you’d like to get married and it’s important to you, then tell your partner and make some arrangements.

DangerouslyBored · 29/05/2022 18:03

I get it, OP. It’s somehow an insult that a man can have a baby with a woman, but marriage is a step too far down the commitment route.

Which is why I wouldn’t have got pregnant without my DH asking me to marry him. I have too many friends who are left feeling that they are somehow not ‘enough’ for the man who they created a life with.

RampantIvy · 29/05/2022 18:04

Malariahilaria · 29/05/2022 17:58

Are you financially independent and still working with your own pension?

This ^^ is really important. If the answer is yes to both, not being married isn't important. If you are finanically dependent on your partner then you need to get married asap.

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper, it is a legal contract.

Original poster
SuziSecondLaw · 29/05/2022 18:04

Malariahilaria · 29/05/2022 17:58

Are you financially independent and still working with your own pension?

Not really. We live in the house he's bought. I only work part-time now because childcare is so expensive.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 29/05/2022 18:06

He said he’ll get married if you want to, and you do, so get in with organising it.

SunnySundayMornings · 29/05/2022 18:06

My neighbour was in a similar situation but her DP genuinely doesn't believe in marriage. When she got pregnant they just decided to change her surname legally. He was happy with that and she was happy to have the same name as her DS. Their DS is now 21.

Dixiechickonhols · 29/05/2022 18:06

Lots of people are oblivious about legal implications of marriage he may be one of them. Lots of people erroneously believe by living together they have a status akin to marriage. The CAB has a decent guide as to differences.
From his point of view he probably feels what would change - you are committed and have a child. He may think you aren’t bothered either as you had a child unmarried.
Of course it may be deliberate on his part if he’s wanting to avoid sharing his assets and pension if you later split.
All you can do is talk to him. If he’s in the happy as is camp then only you can decide if it’s a deal breaker. I certainly wouldn’t act to your detriment if you are unmarried eg don’t stop working or go pt. If it’s just money stopping him ‘we can’t afford to marry’ it’s £170 to get married.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 29/05/2022 18:07

SuziSecondLaw · 29/05/2022 18:04

Not really. We live in the house he's bought. I only work part-time now because childcare is so expensive.

Show quote history

You have left yourself incredibly vulnerable.

What would you do if he ended things tomorrow and kicked you out?

orwellwasright · 29/05/2022 18:08

Mmm. Before you just thought it was a 'piece of paper' and now you want to do it because it's 'really romantic'.

Tbh, neither of these are realistic views of marriage, what it entails and what it signifies.

There's a lot of ambivalence in your posts. Perhaps take some time to work out what you really want? But if you remain unmarried, make sure you're financially secure.

notanothertakeaway · 29/05/2022 18:08

SuziSecondLaw · 29/05/2022 18:04

Not really. We live in the house he's bought. I only work part-time now because childcare is so expensive.

Show quote history

I saw this coming....

Marriage would benefit you financially and offer you security

That couldn't possibly be a reason he doesn't want to get married.....

No one should be pressured to marry against their wishes, but you should be able to talk about what you do (not) want and why

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 29/05/2022 18:09

Have you explained it to him in those words?

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/05/2022 18:10

You are being impractical. Some people ar never bothered about being married, and as having a baby is more of a commitment, some would see marriage as redundant.

However, It’s better to be married with a child, so just set a date. Or, as long as you are fairly equal financially, don’t get married but see a solicitor to draw up contracts for property and money, and just change your name.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/05/2022 18:12

SuziSecondLaw · 29/05/2022 18:04

Not really. We live in the house he's bought. I only work part-time now because childcare is so expensive.

Show quote history

Right, well in that case just set a date and get married. Don’t make it open ended for him. You are in a vulnerable position and well past the stage of worrying about what’s romantic.

SirChenjins · 29/05/2022 18:12

If you’re not in a secure financial position then get married asap. Don’t leave yourself in a vulnerable position just because he’s not as keen as you are on the idea of a wedding - focus on getting yourself the financial security you need.

Fwiw I completely understand where you’re coming from. There was no way I’d have had children before marriage - I wanted to make sure we had all the legal stuff in place and were committed to each other in every way before we added children into the mix. It’s really a case of deciding what’s important to you though, and not backing down - be true to yourself.

Regularsizedrudy · 29/05/2022 18:13

Ah another one of these threads. He doesn’t want to marry you, he has no reason to. You’ve already had kids and are providing childcare. He only has things to lose by marrying you.