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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Selfish dh

16 replies

mrstumble44 · 29/05/2022 17:00

Need to vent. Feeling so sad. Dh and I have a 6 week old dd. I have a dc aged 11 from a previous relationship. Dh has no kids until now.
Dd is hard work, very unsettled and cries a lot although sleeps pretty well. Standard baby stuff really, nothing too extreme although obviously she has shaken up our lives and smashed our old lifestyle to smithereens as babies tend to. Now dh is back at work I am doing the night feeds, majority of care, housework and juggling two kids with very different needs.

Dh has just told me he feels really unhappy with life and how having a baby isn't what he expected. What do I do with that? I reminded him we both made the choice to have her and we can't exactly return her now she's here. He seems ok when she's being cute but he just doesn't cope well when she cries.

I feel like I have ruined his life by having her - it was always me who wanted another child really. Him having never had any of his own wasn't too bothered but we obviously discussed it and made the choice together.

I am run ragged, knackered and now worried that 'poor' dh (who still has his freedom 90% of the time) is unhappy with us and our family life. I told him this and reminded him I am doing the majority and it isn't easy for me either. He's an older dad and I know it's come as a shock to him but seriously? What am I meant to do to improve things for him?

OP posts:

Schwarz · 29/05/2022 17:05

It's been 6 weeks, it's a huge life changing thing for both of you - especially for him too with no other children and no other experience of this.

Is he helping out at all? How are you coping? He might just be struggling with the change, men can get post natal depression as well and he might be not doing so well. Maybe signpost him to some help / online resource if you're able to? Hope things improve for you both!

Original poster

mrstumble44 · 29/05/2022 17:09

He does help around the house when he's not at work and he does do things with the baby although he's still quite apprehensive and in the learning stage. I get that it's hard I really do. But it's hard for me too and it's difficult to sit and hear 'I'm unhappy' when I am dealing with it way more and have effectively lost my freedom for now. He still goes out to work, does a hobby one night a week and can shower/pop out/have a nap when he wants because he knows I am the default carer of dd.

I just really didn't know how to respond to him. I don't know what else I can do to make life easier for him. And who is making life easier for me?

OP posts:

SomePosters · 29/05/2022 17:14

If you want him to bond with his daughter I suggest you take up a hobby too and leave him to parent and work it out.

he’s never done this before and you’re stepping in and doing everything

its a make or break strategy as if it doesn’t work you’re going to want to leave him but also do you really want your daughter to grow up and model this ‘women are default carers’ bullshit?

MintJulia · 29/05/2022 17:20

He needs to understand that the first year is pretty gruelling but then things get better fast.
I don't believe he doesn't have any friends who have been through this, so they will have told him what it's like.
You need to agree that each of you has some down time while the other looks after LO. And he needs to accept that tired parents with a newborn do not generally have sex every day (if that's what he's grumbling about).

Time he grew up!

rosegoldivy · 29/05/2022 17:20

If I'm honest, the baby stage is a bit shit. I don't mean that in a bad way but now all my DC are a wee bit older - 2year old and 1 year old twins, it's so much more enjoyable and fun.

DH has really came into his role when they probably hit about 6months and started reacting and doing things.

DH openly admits he did not enjoy the newborn stage at all. (I don't hold that against him at all)

Hang in there! We all just muddle through those first few months not knowing our arses from our elbows

rosegoldivy · 29/05/2022 17:22

Also agree with PP as to take some time away for yourself and leave him to crack on with it for an hour or two! Maybe he doesn't fully appreciate how full on it can be having baby on your own and doing the 826296 things needed to keep the house running

Original poster

mrstumble44 · 29/05/2022 17:22

@SomePosters I don't but in our case it's just the way it is. He earns more than me and is out working all day. I am on maternity leave and therefore the default carer. I agree that when he's home he should take the lead more often.
He does the basics but it's never long before I need to step back in as he has somewhere to be or something to do.

It's just floored me to be honest. Everyone knows the first few months are brutal but I feel like my needs and happiness are pretty much overlooked by everyone. And he sits there complaining about how unhappy he is because it's a Sunday and he's had to listen to a few hours of crying.

OP posts:

SomePosters · 29/05/2022 17:54

I didnt ask a question!

if you want him to step up and parent you need to go out and leave him with responsibility for his child.

it’s an essential part of becoming a dad, bonding with child and appreciating partner.

Otherwise he will alway look to you to step in as the ‘real’ parent. He needs to figure it out when it’s not working not just call you through from the other room

youre looking for ways to make it easier for him… I’m saying chuck him in at the deep end and let him learn to swim. Not to be a dick but because I genuinely believe that men should be given the opportunity to figure out how to parent without their partner stepping in

Original poster

mrstumble44 · 29/05/2022 19:02

@SomePosters as stupid as it sounds I just want him to be happy. I know this stage is shit, I can't say I'm over the moon either right now. But I'm glad we have her. I just don't want him to feel like he's ruined his life.

Logically I know that as time goes on he will find his feet and start getting more from dd other than nappies, crying and sleepless nights. But right now everything feels overwhelming and I kind of feel like along with all the pressures of managing a newborn I am also trying to placate an unhappy dh :/

OP posts:

ChocolateHippo · 29/05/2022 19:13

He needs to take responsibility. He is a parent too. You don't need to fix things for him or make him happy.

I would just remind him that the first year is often the toughest and that things are difficult for you too. And that if you support each other and work together, your relationship will grow stronger and things will be better for both of you.

This is all sounding a bit one-sided. Is he equally concerned that you are finding things tough and might not be happy? Or do you not matter, only him?

YukoandHiro · 29/05/2022 19:18

Could you maybe remind him that in the first six months at least a major part of his job is being your support - emotionally you're going to be all over the place right now with the hormonal adjustment and with him telling you he's unhappy all the time he's absolutely not doing his job here. He needs to suck it up and help you out, let you get some rest etc.
If I were you I'd stop pandering to him. Is there anyone you can offload to who you both know well, who might be able to have a little word? (Preferably a pal of his that you trust who also has children? A brother or something?)

Tothepoint99 · 29/05/2022 19:18

Can we ask how old he is?

HillCrestingGoat · 29/05/2022 19:19

I think the bit that stands out is He seems ok when she's being cute but he just doesn't cope well when she cries

Tell him that is completely normal, it is human to react to a baby crying. It is meant to make you go holy hell I need to stop that noise and try all the things you can to see that your baby is settled and not crying.

You do need to leave him to it though, not be there to step in. Dh had Ds1 one on one and I didn't jump in and rescue him. I was simply unavailable which is what he wanted. He had to learn to settle Ds. I have no one to hand off to during the day. Your Dh will have to figure stuff out for himself too, just like you have. Unless the baby is breastfed then you don't need to be there all the time. Be unavailable, be out, be in the bath, be in bed sleeping.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 29/05/2022 19:21

Schwarz · 29/05/2022 17:05

It's been 6 weeks, it's a huge life changing thing for both of you - especially for him too with no other children and no other experience of this.

Oh fuck off. He is a lazy gobshite who is surprised his life changed with having a newborn. And his life has barely changed.

op, time to go out. Anywhere. For an extended period of time. Surely you need your hair doing by this point? Or youve people to catch up with. If he doesnt know what to do, he needs to learn.

Graphista · 29/05/2022 19:33

Ffs men do not get postnatal depression because they DO NOT GIVE BIRTH!

Op he needs to grow the fuck up!

It rather sounds as if the drive to have a baby came from you BUT he agreed he could have said no!

And now that she is here and you're BARELY recovered from the birth yet, hormones are still nuts etc he needs to support YOU not whinge like some overgrown teenager!

Yes yes yes

To be needs to learn to care for her and settle her himself.

Go for a coffee, a film or something with older dc and leave him to it. How he settles her may not be the same as what works for you settling her he needs to work out what she wants from him!

Moaning about his own baby crying! I give up so many men these days are so utterly Fucking useless entitled lazy twats!

Everydayimhuffling · 29/05/2022 20:35

Tell him a lot of people feel like that in the first 3 months because they are awful. But he needs to vent to someone, anyone else and get on with being useful. It is not your fault he feels like that, but also you are not in a position to help him through it.

Then go out/have a bath/go for a walk or whatever for a chunk of time each week. He needs time with the baby to bond with her. Think of it as you facilitating their relationship, if you feel selfish about it

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