I feel like I’m losing my mind.

[JanetPluchinsky]

I’m under a ridiculous amount of stress at work, staffing and pressure from HO. My general manager has just handed his notice in after six months so I know that I will be left to run the business again (for a paltry amount of extra pay). I’m considering just applying for the GM job so at least I’d get the full salary (about 15k more than I’m currently on) but I know they are looking for someone with more experience so the catch 22 is that I’ll be doing the role unofficially for assistant manager wages while they recruit a new Gm. We have no chefs so are running on agency which is ridiculous and I have to deal with irate customers every day. It’s all a nightmare. I genuinely love my job and it’s fairly unique in the industry for lots of reasons, I wouldn’t have the same kind of role in another business.

So there’s that. DH has gone away for the weekend taking 10yo DS to pick the eldest up from Uni. I’m off this weekend as the initial plan was to go with them but we couldn’t get a dog sitter.

I completely forgot to eat anything yesterday. I cleaned the house and then popped into work and then caught up with some friends, went to a different pub and I’m ashamed to say I don’t remember much after about my fifth glass of wine. I feel utterly broken and exhausted at the moment. Im worried about money, my health, my job, I think I’m spiralling into mania (Bipolar type 2, vastly improved over the last five years or so thanks to medication, I bounced in and out of hospital for a while back then). I’m pretty sure I made a complete tit of myself last night and I am in the horrors today. I was out with a cohort of gay couples and I know they would have made sure I got home ok, I’m assuming one of them poured me into a taxi, can’t get hold of anyone to find out so far though. I’m mortified.

I don’t know what to do for the best. I love my job, I don’t want to leave, but I think it’s making me a bit ill and crazy. Being around alcohol/alcoholics is obviously terrible for me but this is the first time in my life I’ve had anything approaching a career and I don’t want to lose it. I’m fantastic at my job and HO love me and I’m the poster child for all sorts of things for them. I will eventually be GM but I’m not ready yet. I’m nearly at the end of an apprenticeship so won’t leave before that, and I don’t want to leave at all.

I just need to talk about it really so any advice or calming words would be very appreciated right now.

They are taking advantage of you. Get out!

I was like this at a previous job. My replacement gets paid £25k more than i did and put in place strong boundaries so she doesn't deal with what I was.

Say no to the extra duties and don't take on the stress.

It’s not just as simple as get out though.

I’ve somehow fallen into a job that I am EXCELLENT at. But it’s hugely stressful. Long hours and low pay. However they are sending me on a jolly abroad next week, I genuinely love the place and my team and my regulars. They offer amazing training courses. If I went elsewhere I wouldn’t have the same opportunities at all, also I don’t drive (bipolar) so my options are a bit limited. The company itself is awesome but our particular site is a problem child. I feel like I need to stick it out to get the experience I need so I can lease/tenant my own pub. But then I also feel like I’m walking though a swamp where every day brings more stress and my stress response has always been to grab another glass of wine.

Congratulations on finding a career you love. It’s a brilliant thing to have.

A few thoughts

I have been a shocker workaholic, and if you don’t get a grip on that you will burn out and loose your career. So have a think about boundaries, not everything is yours to fix. You want your superiors to think of you as a future leader, not little miss fix it, so that should help you slim down the list of the extras you do.

Are you sure you aren’t ready for the GM role? I suspect if you were a bloke you’d go for it. Is it worth going to see whoever at HQ and saying you’d really like the role and XYZ is why you think you could do it - even if you don’t get it, you need to make sure you are on the track and applying is one way. get a mentor if you don’t have one.

up your self care. It’s really important (any CEO will tell you) and especially with bi-polar, and especially if you are juggling motherhood and work. You can’t just forget to eat, you can’t regularly drink too much, you need to exercise - go see you GP if you feel your MH is slipping.

Never mind about last night. It’s a distraction from the bigger picture. Do you think you have a problem with drink? If you do then go and get some help to nail that now. You’ve been a bit evasive about the fact you are managing a pub, presumably because you are scared that you might have to stop if you do have a problem - is that it?? I would just say go and get some support, it’s often possible to manage drinking without giving it up altogether.

can you really not learn to
drive? Lots of people with bipolar do, and it would give you options if you do need to move.

Driving is out, I used to have yearly assessments for my medical license but I fucked this year up and failed the alcohol blood test, they now have me down as a dependant drinker and I need to have a year if abstinence before I can have my license back. Stupid state of me couldn’t even curb it for two weeks before the test. I am what is euphemistically described as a ‘functioning alcoholic’.

thank you for the rest of your post, you definitely understand and you’re right that I would probably go for the role if I had the confidence of a straight white male 🤣 I’m going to write a business plan and go for it I think.

Great, well I do think you should go for it.

But - and please take this as helpfully meant - will you please go get some help with your drinking? You are drip feeding a bit and I think you are drinking more than you think and/or you are in denial. It’s great that you are functioning right now, but please get some help before you aren’t - you’ve achieved a lot, you don’t want to screw it up.

Once you get your license next year, can you switch to a cafe or restaurant chain so booze isn’t so central? Once you have 18 months as GM that should be enough and it should be transferable.

Work apart, in midlife booze will start to clobber you physically and will impact on family life, even if it isn’t now.