To ask for a handhold? Intense pain and fucking CANCER

[lifesabitchandthenyadie]

Waiting to hear what is happening with my parent who has stage 4 cancer and was struggling in terrible pain, but now in hospital where thankfully they had reduced the pain but I am haunted. I am going out of my mind, not able to sleep a wink.

I'm in my 30's and have done all this once before in my 20's with other parent. It almost destroyed me and I made a suicide attempt several years after. Very thankful to have recovered my mental health fully but fuck me it was not easy.

I don't honestly know if I can manage again. I feel destroyed already. I don't know what to do.

Everything feels impossible and I don't know what to do or how to be or how to brace for the onslaught of utter shit.

I keep sipping wine, but that isn't the answer? I need to be a whole other person, someone competent and wise and strong and I'm just...not?

It all feels too much. Please help.

Sorry to hear this. You need support for yourself in real life. Whether from friends or professionals or both. Perhaps start with your GP if you can get hold of them or call Macmillan.

I am so so sorry, take good care of yourself. I'm glad they've got the pain under control in hospital 💐

What is wrong with me thought why am I so shit? How do other people manage this and why can't I manage it the same? Why am I falling apart, why do I need support?

My parents deserve and deserved good competent people to have their back. Not a fuck up like me who isn't able to keep control of their emotions.

I feel completely retraumatised and this is not fucking about me! Why am I like this? It makes me want to hate myself, but that's counter productive so trying not to.

It sounds like you are in shock, no wonder. You need to be kind to yourself. Wine is not the answer. Real life support is probably what you need. Macmillan sounds like a good plan.

Of course you are falling apart. Who wouldn't? Seeing a parent in this horrendous position is absolutely gut wrenchingly awful, I've been there.

Don't put pressure on yourself to be 'competent'. Just try to get through each day. If your parent is being looked after then all you have to do is be there for them. Do you have support? Partner/friends/other family?

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I am utterly wracked with guilt.

My parent requested something a couple of months ago, which I was having made bespoke. I could have bought a non-bespoke item off the shelf, and I didn't do this.

I didn't do this because it felt like if I rushed to do it I was admitting something - like we were rushing it because they were not going to be around?

But now because of the bespoke version they didn't get to have it at all and I am not coping.

That was me prioritising my feelings and hope and optimism in what was happening with the doctors whereas due to my past experience I SHOULD HAVE KNOW BETTER.

You sound in a serious crisis. Could you ring the Samaritans maybe? I feel trapped like this every year when I'm approaching the anniversary of my husband's death, and what you're going through is much worse. You sound so afraid and it's not surprising.

I am really afraid.

But I don't think I need the Samaritans. They are really wonderful at being a listening ear, but they can't make me a better version of myself to handle this better.

I feel embarrassed at the thought of voicing this to anyone apart from a little bit to my partner. I just feel massively like I've let both parents down now in such a huge way. My partner doesn't really understand and is much more forgiving of me than I deserve.

I just want the cancer and death to stop. What if my partner gets sick now also?

I'm so so sorry x

You do not need to be strong. You need to feel what you need to feel. That is being strong. If you need to cry, cry.

Once those feelings flow you will ironically feel stronger.

Cry is my advice. I wish I could hug you. I don't know you but I feel for you.

Well... my husband took his own life and I've been blamed for his death by family members. It's absolutely true that I wasn't the best wife in the world, often quite shit tbh, but I wasn't the worst either. I'm lucky that he was my husband so I can imagine him giving me a hug and telling me he liked me the way I was. I wonder if your parents would tell you that you are their child, they love and are proud of you and you're also a human being - we're not robots and nobody wants a robot in their family. My mother is now very unwell and I have crashed into depression about it - that is completely normal, I'm not being selfish and useless, although the depression wants me to believe I am. I'm now on antidepressants and things are significantly better - I'd really recommend contacting your GP, give them a chance to come up with ideas?

Your partner is right.

It’s bastard cancer that’s the villain here, not you. You are one of the unseen casualties.

Put the wine down and just cry.

You are emotional and feel like crumbling because you love them, this is a GOOD thing. And you know what, they love you too and would rather the love from you than what you think they deserve or want. It’s tough times OP, don’t judge yourself so harshly, few of us would do things exactly how we want to but at the end of the day that you love each other is what matters.

You'd have to be made of stone not to react. Sending you tons of sympathy. Don't be too hard on yourself. 💐

I'm so sorry you're going through this Op; it can't be easy for you.

I think the main thing is how your parent is perceiving your care/actions. If you are visiting regularly and supporting them, they may well be completely unaware of how you're feeling and thankfull for everything you're doing for them.

As for the item they wanted, that you had made bespoke, perhaps you could explain that you should've just gone out and bought one, but I don't suppose, given the position they're in, they really mind at all and you are being too hard on yourself.

Visiting them as much as you can, love and care is probably what they need most of all from you.