Can't reach acceptance for nhs giving up on relatives and letting them die

[Orangeglobes]

Weeks before the first covid lock downs in Europe my dad and my mother in law passed away within weeks of each other. This was over 2 years ago now but I can't get over the fact that in both cases they were just left to die.

The health workers caring for them did amazing jobs and I appreciate all the care they gave, there is nothing but praise for the work they did.

Something that I still can't accept is that my dad was passed over for potentially life extending treatment without explanation and my mother in law was taken off a ventilator potentially due to the lack of ventilators and covid.

So many people lost loved ones and didn't even have the chance to say goodbye and many others have been in similar situations so I don't understand how I'm even having trouble accepting it when I had a chance to say goodbye to one of them.

How do people accept the fact that life is down to fate and random circumstances and deal with the fact that at any point in time they could be left to die if their body doesn't meet certain medical criteria?

We both work in/with the NHS in frontline roles, so long experience has taught us that life and death are often pretty random. Have you asked about what happened to your father and mother in law?

My situation is a bit different. We lost my very much loved father in April 2020. He was in a nursing home we hated ( no choice), had late stage dementia and cancer. The last time I saw him was 1st March and he definitely knew me.

then covid came. We had lockdown and the virus swept through the home like a tornado. It was impossible to even get through on the phone. We did get a video call the night before he died. It was seven weeks since he’d had a visit.

in answer, sort of, to your question, I’ve tried to learn to be ok with NOT being ok about it. It’s heartbreaking but it’s done. We were fortunate to have a tiny but beautiful funeral. Dad loved life and family. We hold on to that.

I hope you can find peace.

It must be such a tough lesson, and really respect that it helps you support patients and families through the toughest times.
We had some details but once covid hit the details for the decision for my dad weren't raised. My mother in law had a postmortem but as I wasn't an immediate relative I didn't get the full details.
Thank you

Sorry to hear about your father and its good to hear that you had a chance to say goodbye. Really sad that you didn't have a chance to spend more time with him, that must have been tough. It's really hard during the last few weeks when sometimes you don't know what they can and can't understand. It's lovely that there was that last opportunity to say goodbye, I really appreciate having a similar opportunity when my dad was lucid.

Thanks, that's helpful advice about being OK with not being OK as that's a big part of the struggle sometimes

It sounds like you didn't get the chance to get full explanations from the clinicians who make these very difficult decisions. If you contact your local PALS team they might be able to help you get some answers.

I’m sorry for your losses. I would echo those who’ve suggested talking to PALS. I would say, from my own experience, that death isn’t necessarily the worst outcome. Quality of life is as important as quantity, and it may be that the clinicians in charge of your loved ones care felt that on balance prolonging treatment would have minimal benefit but increase their suffering. This is definitely a discussion that should have been had though, either with the patient if possible or with the next of kin.