Update on putting mum with dementia in a nursing home

[Gouldengirl9]

In February I posted about mum going in to a residential home.
2 weeks ago my brothers and I finally got her in a home. As she is a self funder it was up to us where she went.
Since February she has got worse. Couldn't even feed herself never mind shower.
We are happy that she is now safe.
When I saw her Thursday she was in the residential home clean well fed and rested.
She has forgotten my older brother and I now have my younger brothers middle name.
According to her she sleeps with the manager or the nurse, we can't go in the garden at the home as it has petrol pumps all over. She carries a doll and that's me.
What a horrible disease this is.
I feel as though I lost my mum 2 years ago.
The carers deserve so much more than they receive.

It’s desperately sad. Especially for family when they remember the “real” independent, active, loving person they know. It’s so cruel. I agree the carers are worth their weight in gold. It’s like their brains are long corridors and doors slowly get closed one after the other. I like to think that inside they are aware they are truly loved ❤️❤️

I remember your thread, you must feel so relieved that your poor Mum is safe and cared for.

It must be such a relief seeing your mum safe and well looked after, my DF is showing signs of dementia and we are waiting for assessments, he’s had some really bad days recently and it’s a lot to cope with.

You have my utmost sympathy. It is a horrible disease, so cruel and heartless.

Please take care of yourself - and can I say, if you find visiting hard, you don't need to go super often.

She is safe, and cared for by amazing staff who know what they are doing - remember we adult children aren't trained in dementia care, we don't know what to look for around skin integrity, we don't have skills around engaging our loved ones in 'meaningful activities', we just muddled through, I am right aren't I.

Have a non mumsnetty hug, you've done so well.

Dementia is such an awful awful disease.

Rattysparklebum please do post in elderly parents or the dementia board if you need to offload. Lots of us have BT and DT (hug for you too)

You must be relieved she's safe , but it is very sad.

I've been there it's heartbreaking.
My mum also had a doll 😥
I went through a terrible personal experience when my mum was in the home. I would go to visit and she would tell me I looked sad and I should go and tell my mum 😥😥
I hate dementia.
Take care of yourself.

I work in a care home. Please be assured that your mom will be cared for. The carers I know including myself recognise how difficult it is for family to come visit. You will not be judged. It is a privilege to care for people when they are so vulnerable. I've met several residents who take so much comfort from caring for a doll, you must be very precious to her. I also know from my own experience the feelings involved in placing a parent in the care of a home. It's tough. You will know deep down if it was the right thing to do for your mom and your family. Take care.

reetas that is a lovely post, thank you so much.

Reetas that is comforting, I'm full of guilt

I feel so sorry for the families that can't afford residential care.
It was a relief the first night. I slept so well knowing she was safe.
Fortunately this home makes lovely cakes which is all mum talks about.
Towards the time for her to go in, she couldn't use the phone or microwave.
Unless we were there she was only eating biscuits and drinking cold tea.
She was getting up at 3am and going for a walk.
Sad sad sad.

DF has been in a home for 4 years now. He’s 71. It’s brutal to visit a just-about-functioning body containing a different mind.

It’s not just that the memory has gone.

Stab of loss here. When Mum came back to the family home for a day, for a lark I picked up the white teddy bear we had as a kid and gave it to her. She held it and seemed comforted. So I thought, well, that would be nice for her back at the care home but I'd need to clean it so it's white not grimy after decades, might need a name tag. Never got round to it.

I can totally relate to this. I lost my mum to dementia a few years ago. She was in a home for around 5 years. Please don’t feel guilty , you have done the best thing for your mum and she is safe and being well looked after. It’s such a cruel disease. all you can do is find little things that either bring her brief comfort or little sparks of joy, maybe photos , music etc. I’m sending you lots of love and strength as I know exactly how you feel.x