To think this is favouritism?

[araw89]

In a nutshell: I think DH favours my stepson because a.) he is older than our children together and b.) he’s a boy (other children are girls). For the record, we have 50% custody of my stepson, so he is with us every other weekend plus half of every week.

Our daughters are 3 and 8 months. Since DD2 was born, I’ve been repeatedly suggesting that DH spends individual time with our DD1 as I believe it’s important for their relationship. His answer is always he’s too busy, or it doesn’t work with his commitments with stepson’s school pick up and drop off (he’s always insisted on doing the school runs, I’ve offered to do them many a time but he says it’s important that he always does them). Anyway, on days off where stepson isn’t with us, he always ensures he has errands to run, hobbies to pursue, etc., so I often take both girls out on my own just like the rest of the week. He may occasionally join us for a small outing.

When my stepson was young, we had so many fun days out together and trips to London on the regular as we are lucky to have a fast train to central on our doorstep. I remember thinking “wow, he’s going to be a really fun dad to our future children”.

well fast forward a few years and it’s like the effort and attention he’s put into his own son can’t possibly be replicated. For ages he has promised to take DD1 to London and she has asked him on many occasions as she has been once before a year ago. Anyway for ages, every month he’s said he simply doesn’t have the time or ability to take her.
then today he’s just told me tomorrow he’s going to take my stepson to London for a day trip together. Tonight they’re both having party food snuggled up watching the football final. Earlier DH took him to a football match and they hung out together afterwards whilst I spent the day with the girls.

I mean seriously? If I mention the subject of favouritism DH gets REALLY defensive and insists he loves his children the same and that it’s just difficult because of the commitments he has to his son. But I think he needs to let go of these a little bit otherwise he’s going to end up with 2 daughters who feel very left out and bewildered why their dad never spends time alone with them.

AIBU to see this as favouritism?

What does your DH do on the days when stepson is with stepson's mum? That is the time when DH should be with your DD.

Reading this made me feel really sad for your daughters. These dynamics are going to be so damaging for them. Your husband is a horrible person. Any reasonable person can see that his daughters are insignificant to him and your DD1 has already figured that out.

He works, mostly. He might have the odd day off where stepson isn’t with us but like I said before, he makes sure these days are for hobbies, catching up on life admin, etc…

How old is the stepson? I think it’s a lot easier to do fun things with older kids personally. Three and 8 months is still pretty young. There might also be pressure he feels to be a ‘better’ parent than stepson’s mother. And because stepson is not with you full-time, it feels special to him, whereas your daughters are there all the time.

None of those things relate to favouritism as motivation, though it may be in practice. I don’t think accusing him of favouritism is the best way to make things change, but things do need to change.

He's fucked this up badly, hasn't he your poor girls.

Either it's dad-guilt, or he's a misogynist who sees the girls as a) less interesting and b) largely your domain because, y'know, vaginas. Whichever it is (and I suspect a dollop of each) he needs to sort it the hell out before he really damages his younger two children. I would pin him down to a conversation he can't walk away from - tell him it's happening - and calmly plough through the defensive bluster, make him listen, and explain to him what he is doing and how offensive and cruel it is. If he really can't or won't address it, then I would consider LTB (sorry vipers), as it would be better for your daughters to be brought up seeing a lot less of him due to separate parents than just seeing fuck all of him because he doesn't give a shit about them.

I think it’s a lot easier to do fun things with older kids personally.

Well yeah, I think this too, but it's tough shit really isn't it when you have kids that aren't 'older'. Unless you consider this particular parent as being exempt from actually parenting and able to opt out of the whole thing until his daughters become more interesting in some unspecified time in the future, if at all.