To feel guilty and embarrassed that I've taken 2 months off work due to anxiety?

[letsjustnot]

I've only been working at my current job for 10 months. I'm terrified of being fired I wake up throughout the night constantly worrying about the time I have had off work. I worry about my manager's opinion, senior management, HR... Everytime my phone rings I worry it's work telling me I'm fired. My Mum is my emergency contact for work and if I am ever with her without my phone on me and her phone rings I worry it's my work contacting her as they can't get hold of me (I know this is ridiculous).

I don't feel ready to go back. I feel like, if anything, my mental health has gotten worse (which I think is due to the medication). I have moments where I feel ok, when I try and do nice things for myself like go for a walk or go and get a pedicure and then I feel racked with guilt and I start doubting myself and wondering if I'm just making this all up. I feel like I have imposter syndrome but about having anxiety and depression. Then other days I can't even bring myself to get out of bed and I think back to the weeks leading up to me getting signed off and I know I'm not fit for work at the moment.

I want to hand in my notice, partly because I feel like I want to jump before I'm pushed and partly because I feel like I'll never stop worrying about work and my manager and colleagues until I do, and then I can have a break whilst job hunting.

I always had trouble at work. now realise I had underlying anxiety - and this affected my skills at work and ability to learn or remember stuff.

This was years ago. I'm
retired now.
But this book helped me - it might not sut you but the reviews on amazon are encouraging perhaps you could try it.
www.amazon.co.uk/Dare-Anxiety-Stop-Panic-Attacks/dp/0956596258

What have you done to manage the anxiety whilst off? It’s understandable that if nothing has changed then your feelings towards work won’t have changed.

I've started sertraline, having regular appointments with a mental health nurse and am on the waiting list for counselling.

Is this only since you went off or did it start the anxiety?

sickness will be defined in your contract so what does that say?
For example if I had 3 months off within the first 12 months I’d be dismissed at the end of the 3month sickness period, it changes after a year for my company and then becomes a rolling period
can your work make reasonable adjustments that would allow you to phase back in?

Of course you feel like this. We live in a culture dominated by demanding employers that still dismisses mental health problems as a sign of moral weakness.

I'm not surprised it's making you feel anxious being off. That not your fault. You just live in a fucking shit culture.

But.. it is important to identify whether you work is your main anxiety trigger. If it is, then this is unlikely to change and you might be better off looking for something else.

I hope you feel better soon. Anxiety is the pits. Also if you've not been taking the sertraline long this can often cause anxiety symptoms to increase at first.

Is being off completely actually helping you as it appears to be the source of your anxiety.

Were you signed off because of work related anxiety or it it more generalised?
Might you be better with a phased return of some kind?

What did you do prior to this job and how did you cope then?

I had to do the same and I was mortified. I couldn't stop crying at work. I mean I literally couldn't stop crying. As soon as I walked in I'd start and it was like a tap that I couldn't turn off. I kept getting sent home and then I started crying all the time at home too so I went on the sick (my lovely GP said it was acute anxiety caused by work) and got some medication and some very useful online cbt. I cried for about a month. Occ health were great and so was my boss. I was the least likely person to go under, I appeared very confident, but I was constantly and irrationally worried about getting something wrong and making a mistake. I was very embarrassed though so I know how you feel. I was off nearly 3 months, I had a sick note for longer but I went back early and I'm fine now. Don't go back yet until they have sorted out meds that make you feel better, and you get some other help. You'll get through it, honestly.

You might feel better working. I have bipolar and full time work gives me a lot of routine, regardless of how bad my symptoms are.

I had a short break while changing jobs this earlier this year and became incredibly depressed and anxious. The crisis team (phone appointment) said the advice to take time off work for mental illness is outdated and does more harm than good.

First of all ignore any of the reply that are suggesting you would be better off going back to work. This is a ridiculous thing to say if you are in such an anxious state and cannot cope...Especially if your job is actually a factor in your depression.

I work in mental health which can be extremely stressful and a few months ago I was assaulted by and pretty much had a complete breakdown after that. I simply could not function at work. Full stop.

My body and mind were just exhausted (even reading an email became next to impossible and I was having panic attacks in the loo and coming on from my office with a variety of physical symptoms that would vanish on the days I was not working) and what I needed was a break and to get proper support (in my case counselling for trauma). I also realised working with mental health was no longer for me and I handed out my resignation.

The thing is you can always find another job but you only have one body and one mind...your health always has to come first, not what benefit your employer or pleasing those who think you must be in a job at all cost...

It takes time for medication to work and it takes time for counselling and so on to make an impact. You also need to be honest with yourself and find out whether your current job is really the right one for you or whether being in that role is a major cause of your current health concerns. If it is you should consider finding something more suited.

If your anxiety/stress are caused by wider issues make sure you give medication and counselling time to work. if that means more time off work to stabilise your condition then so be it.

I think I've always suffered from anxiety, and it's quite generalised. In the past I've had anxiety about my health, driving, social anxiety. Even as a child I would worry about things. I think I've coped ok with a moderate level of anxiety my entire life, but there have been a couple of times where it has tipped me over the edge - once at university, and then again now.

At university I just pushed through it and didn't go to the GP. I would be up most nights feeling anxious about my heart, and would be afraid to go to sleep thinking I would pass away in my sleep. I'd have to wait until I was exhausted enough to fall asleep instantly as lying in bed trying to fall asleep I'd just be hyperaware of every sensation in my chest thinking I was having an arrhythmia or racing heart. I'd still get out of bed the next morning and push myself at university and it didn't affect my grades.

With this situation at work I was crying constantly. I work from home and I'd have to pull myself together and wipe away tears before joining Teams meetings as I'd be in tears beforehand. I'd wake up every morning wishing I was dead. I'd spend literally an hour writing an email to clients as I had brain fog and didn't trust what I was writing, and would worry about every email I sent that I had said something wrong or would upset the client. My last few days before going to my GP I barely did any work. I would sit there at my desk and just could not focus. It would take me hours to do something that previously would have taken me half an hour. I'd have messages coming in from colleagues and even my manager and I just couldn't bring myself to read them or look at them. I was in a complete daze/fog.

Before this job I worked in research. I had a low level of anxiety that didn't really affect me much. The worst it would get was worrying I had made a mistake, but it was manageable. I remember I would wake up each morning looking forward to the day, I can't even remember what that feels like.

I'd find another job.

You haven't been there very long you're not going to feel comfortable there.

Not to raise your anxiety though people make their own assumptions and treat you accordingly as your relatively new it's hard to settle back in.

Is it a horrible place to work or is your anxiety alone the problem?

Doesn't sound like this job is a good fit.
Situation you're in is not sustainable.

FWIW, I have a friend who was on/off work due to anxiety & stress for many months, several times, over 4+ years. 95% because of marital breakdown/low resilience from abusive childhood, but 5% due to simultaneous overwork. She seemed to perceive no job insecurity due to having a public sector job. I marvelled at her, because I would have been a wreck (worried sick about my job security) with all that time off.

I would see your GP to see if your sertraline needs to come up, and I’d start CBt urgently - there are free online courses and books while you wait, and the mental health team will be able to direct you. Or could your mum help pay for a private counsellor?
You do need some active help to reframe your thinking or things are not going to improve.

work wise can you start with 2 days a week? fT sounds too much but equally having nothing to do isn’t likely to be helping.

@letsjustnot I have very similar symptoms to you (also a GAD and OCD diagnosis). I was much worse on SSRIs and SNRIs, but speak to your doctor about that. I found therapy more useful.

With work, I also have a lot of days like you described. I work from home currently too.

Here's how I get around it. I take longer doing tasks, so make up the time at evenings and weekends, if necessary. Keeping my camera off in teams meetings if necessary. Having coffee to help me focus.

It is more effort, but I get really good feedback on my work.