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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just go out for the afternoon.

16 replies

Endofmytether96 · 28/05/2022 10:32

Hi! I'll try to keep this short but basically I co parent dd aged 8 with ex dp. It's usually fairly amicable, we have set days but I'm very flexible and would never say no to having dd extra days.

Exdp doesn't work and is well off, I work full time.

This year though he's had 4 term time holidays and has just announced that he'll be in Mauritius after half term for a fortnight and expects me to have dd as usual. He was in Crete last week for too. I don't mind but the school run plus getting to work on time is a massive struggle plus getting her to the after school activities that he has booked her into is really stressful time and work wise.

He hasn't offered to have her any extra days when he's back but in fairness he probably would if I asked.

Anyway, because he knows I'm annoyed at him, he's now refusing to communicate properly.
He's just collected her to take her to an event and when I asked what time he was dropping her back he just sort of said "when it finishes" and drove off. Isn't answering texts asking for a specific time.
I very, very rarely have a weekend day to myself so would like to make the most of it.
AIBU to just go out for the day and risk not being here when they get back?
I'm worried about dd being upset/messed around but also fed up of being a doormat now.

Any help appreciated, thanks!

OP posts:
Twizbe · 28/05/2022 10:34

Go out and enjoy yourself.

If they get back and you're not there, you can point it out that he didn't give you a home time.

PussInBin20 · 28/05/2022 10:35

YANBU - just do it. If he isn’t willing to communicate the time then that will be his fault. I would go out if I was you.

mudgetastic · 28/05/2022 10:38

Text him your expected time back home

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 28/05/2022 10:39

Yes go out have fun ,,you cannot carry all the load all the time.You are perfectly reasonable to want some time for yourself. Your dd will be fine,your ex might have his nose pushed out of joint a bit but he should be thankful you are always around to pick up his slack. Go have fun,no apologies,no explanations do it for you just cos you want to and you can.You are entitled to a life too .

Justcashnosweets · 28/05/2022 10:40

YANBU. He hasn't bothered to give you a time he will bring her home. Fine. You could even message him and tell him you will be out all day and you don't know what time you'll be home. Go out and enjoy yourself.

MRex · 28/05/2022 10:41

Go out, just text him that you'll be back at 6.39 for him to drop off DD. That way no risk of turning up with you not there.

Vsirbdo · 28/05/2022 10:41

I would text him and say you’re going out and won’t be back until 6pm etc so that your DD won’t be upset by arriving back and you not being in while also showing him that you’re not going to just wait on him

MRex · 28/05/2022 10:42

6.30! 6.39 is a bit specific...

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 28/05/2022 10:42

Yes I would go out and just tell him you won't be back until x in the afternoon/ evening.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/05/2022 10:43

I agree just go out. He has your number. You asked about home times and he refused, so any issues resulting are his responsibility to sort.

if there are any issues you can suggest that in future you agree times and communicate better.

to me it sounds like he has all the flexibility and you have none. I wonder if a more structured arrangement would help, so he has set periods he is responsible for managing childcare for. at the very least you need to plan ahead school holiday care etc and try to get hi. To take responsibility for filling gaps as you do.

when he’s away does he sort any childcare - eg as his parents to help with pick up. Or does he literally inform you he’s away and leave you to pick up the slack.

Original poster
Endofmytether96 · 28/05/2022 10:43

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 28/05/2022 10:39

Yes go out have fun ,,you cannot carry all the load all the time.You are perfectly reasonable to want some time for yourself. Your dd will be fine,your ex might have his nose pushed out of joint a bit but he should be thankful you are always around to pick up his slack. Go have fun,no apologies,no explanations do it for you just cos you want to and you can.You are entitled to a life too .

Thank you, the last line says it all.
I've never wanted to be a parent who squabbled over who's turn it was to take the child and will never say no to having my own child, but we're now in a situation where he has several holidays a year and loads of weekend theatre trips/hotel stays/boozy nights out. Whilst my life feels like it's on hold.
I know there are line parents who are much worse off but I hold my hands up, I'm a bit jealous now 😆

OP posts:
Original poster
Endofmytether96 · 28/05/2022 10:46

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/05/2022 10:43

I agree just go out. He has your number. You asked about home times and he refused, so any issues resulting are his responsibility to sort.

if there are any issues you can suggest that in future you agree times and communicate better.

to me it sounds like he has all the flexibility and you have none. I wonder if a more structured arrangement would help, so he has set periods he is responsible for managing childcare for. at the very least you need to plan ahead school holiday care etc and try to get hi. To take responsibility for filling gaps as you do.

when he’s away does he sort any childcare - eg as his parents to help with pick up. Or does he literally inform you he’s away and leave you to pick up the slack.

He does have set periods, we have set days each week. When he goes on holiday though he books it then just "lets me know" and assumes I'll do his days.
Which would be fine if it was 2 or 3 a year even but it's getting a lot now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Endofmytether96 · 28/05/2022 10:47

MRex · 28/05/2022 10:42

6.30! 6.39 is a bit specific...

😆😆 I like the specific time better!

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/05/2022 10:51

Have you ever said no?
if you havent already, maybe you need to explicitly tell him that you are struggling with increased holiday and that he needs to check you can cover his dates before he books something. Then say no if he books something and just informs you again.
I know realistically you would have your daughter, because you’re a responsible parent, but it needs to be a lot harder for him.

balalake · 28/05/2022 10:52

Say a time, make sure you are not late.

Original poster
Endofmytether96 · 28/05/2022 11:15

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/05/2022 10:51

Have you ever said no?
if you havent already, maybe you need to explicitly tell him that you are struggling with increased holiday and that he needs to check you can cover his dates before he books something. Then say no if he books something and just informs you again.
I know realistically you would have your daughter, because you’re a responsible parent, but it needs to be a lot harder for him.

I have explained how difficult it is a few times yes and he'll say "but you know I'll have dd any time you only have to ask"
Which he kind of would, to be fair but he is definitely very good at saying "no that date doesn't suit me".

I do need to get better about saying "no" and meaning it... in every sphere of my life to be fair 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
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