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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drop her off?

26 replies

cactusoil · 28/05/2022 10:20

Ex partner lost his licence and has a driving ban. Before this he would pick up DD and drop her off whenever he had her.

AIBU to not do pick up and drop off? He lives with his mum 45 minutes drive away.
His mum does have a car and has been running him everywhere this week as he's had a week off work.

Last weekend we fell out as DD was due to stay at his for an extra night, he rang in the morning and said that he wants me to pick her up that day. I said the plan was I would collect her tomorrow. I'm in the middle of decorating our new house with little to no help and had planned to spend the day painting. He said he ran around after me and DD for years so it's basically my turn to do all the driving around etc as I've recently bought a car because we moved rurally.

Is it my job to drop her off? Or do I do drop off if his mum agrees to run her back? Im a little lost with how this works.

Or am I just being stubborn?

OP posts:
Quincythequince · 28/05/2022 10:22

How important is it to you, and your DD that she sees him.

Don’t cut off his nose to spite her face.

How long is the driving ban?

if you do help out, it needs to be done at a time that suits you - he has no say in this.

Quincythequince · 28/05/2022 10:23

And if you moved rurally and made it harder for him to see her, he could use that in his favour should it ever come down to it! We looked into this as far as DSD was concerned when she was a child.

BadWolf2022 · 28/05/2022 10:24

To be fair if you moved rurally the. You should help towards the driving. Obviously not all on his terms but you need to contribute.

Original poster
cactusoil · 28/05/2022 10:33

He would always pick up and drop her off when he wanted, sometimes he wouldn't pick her up as he was too tired. I don't mind helping but I'm not on standby to drop her off when I get the go ahead, it will have to be an agreed time.

OP posts:
Original poster
cactusoil · 28/05/2022 10:43

And I moved rurally to benefit my daughter and myself.

OP posts:
Vsirbdo · 28/05/2022 10:46

You’re under no obligation to pick her up a day early if it’s been arranged she will stay another night and I agree that it has to be arranged.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 28/05/2022 10:48

I believe, legally speaking, if you moved, you should be doing more of the driving as you're the one who chose to move your daughter away from her dad.

But that doesn't mean he gets to change arrangements at the last minute and mess you about.

balalake · 28/05/2022 10:51

You don't lose your licence for trivial things. Far too many people still have a licence who should not. If he cared that much he would not have committed the offence or offences.

YANBU.

Zingy123 · 28/05/2022 10:53

You moved so it's up to you to do the travelling. Don't cause issues where you don't have to.

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 28/05/2022 10:54

I agree with @balalake , he should consider the inconvenience part of the punishment for infringing the law. Not your problem and he should pay the price of his antisocial driving behaviour.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/05/2022 10:55

I think a compromise would work, especially if he and your daughters relationship is generally positive.

id say no to picking her up today as you have plans. Sadly as parents we don’t get to dump our kids are short notice he needs to know this.

however ongoing maybe an agreement such as you drop off and his mum returns would be a fair compromise. I’d suggest possibly asking for money towards fuel as 1.5 hrs driving is a lot.

BiscoffSundae · 28/05/2022 11:32

Tbh I think you should be splitting travel anyway with or without him losing his license, You should both be doing a journey each so you’ve been lucky he’s been doing all the travelling so far.

Cryingintherain99 · 28/05/2022 11:38

Does his mum get a say in this though?
It seems she has been overlooked in all this.
It's not her fault he can't drive at the moment.

aSofaNearYou · 28/05/2022 11:38

I think you should do the drop offs until his driving ban is lifted and then split them, but only at agreed times. Two separate issues really.

Allthecheeseplease · 28/05/2022 11:43

A lot of people will talk about legal, agreements etc. At the end of the day (as a divorced person with Children) what does your daughter want? If she wants to see her Dad, and he has no way of getting to her, and you don't faciliate then she won't see him. It's not about fault here. It's about her. He should be contributing towards or fulling paying for the fuel though (this is where agreements will come into it)

RedWingBoots · 28/05/2022 11:50

Cryingintherain99 · 28/05/2022 11:38

Does his mum get a say in this though?
It seems she has been overlooked in all this.
It's not her fault he can't drive at the moment.

His mum has a say and that say includes refusing to get involved because she is a third party to any arrangements between the parents.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 28/05/2022 11:55

You moved. You need to start splitting the driving or do all of it.

Not unreasonable to stick to the agreed day and time though. He cant just demand that you collect a day early unless there has been some sort of emergency.

Soakitup37 · 28/05/2022 11:57

C-parenting is rarely split 50/50 equally, I find that there are times I’ve done more, and times when he’s done more his 50% - I just roll with it,

However if it’s a consistent issue then there needs to be a compromise, I don’t mind having to change pick ups and drop offs last minute if something has come up, bigger changes should get more notice, but I’d be put out by the idea that I had to pick up and collect at a moments notice just because, and actually if that was the request I’d expect him to be the one to do the drop off as it’s at his request, similar to if I was asking the favour. I’d make the situation as easy as possible.

if we were going tit for tat over who did what during the marriage I’d never lift a finger again!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/05/2022 11:59

How far / easy was access before you moved and how far / easy is it now?

Youseethethingis1 · 28/05/2022 12:05

I don't know - is it your job to support your child or isn't it?
If he's been doing all the pick ups and drop offs when you are the one wh ok moved away, you've been getting a good deal up to now.
He's not just trying to be awkward, he's lost his license (idiotic when he clearly relies on her car so much IMO).
You can choose to protect your daughter from this or not.

Bunny2607 · 28/05/2022 12:26

I’ve been in this situation, my ex lost his licence for 9 months. I had to do more of the ferrying round but that was for selfish reasons as our child has autism and can be hard work so i wanted the break, and our child also wanted to see his dad. Sometimes he would get the train places or get a lift but i did more driving than when he had his licence. I haven’t felt guilty since he got it back in letting him do more driving, i had a c section recently and was unable to drive for 6/7 weeks so he did more running then. With us it was give and take but suppose it depends what sort of a relationship you have with your ex etc

MarmaladeLime · 28/05/2022 13:04

He should be sticking to the agreed times unless DD is really upset and wants to come back to yours early. You moved away so should be doing some of the driving. I think expecting him to do both journeys is unfair. Forget what's happened in the past and focus on now. What my DH found best is that the person who DSC were going to spend time to the pick up. That way there wasn't the feelings of being driven off to be left somewhere. That probably depends on the child though. Anyway. Think of your daughter and stop playing games.

LindaEllen · 28/05/2022 13:05

Tbh if you were the one who moved away, the onus is on you to do the driving anyway.

EmilyBolton · 28/05/2022 13:12

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 28/05/2022 10:54

I agree with @balalake , he should consider the inconvenience part of the punishment for infringing the law. Not your problem and he should pay the price of his antisocial driving behaviour.

Antisocial behaviour? If he’s lost his license it is because his driving is dangerous. 🤦‍♀️

mrsm43s · 28/05/2022 13:19

It sounds as though when he drove and you didn't, he did more than his fair share (half) of the journeys. Now you have a car, and he can't drive, it's only fair for you to return the favour.

He shouldn't be chopping and changing the timings, but for the time being can you really not do the driving? Reverting to him doing one journey and you the other once he has his license back (if you're happy for him to drive your DD around).

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